Addiction: a word that should never exist. It destroys lives, relationships and friendships. I was addicted to cocaine for two years. I started using when I was 16. It started out as experimentation but before long, it took over my life. It destroyed who I was as a friend and daughter. I lost friends because of who I was while I was using. It ruined my relationship with my parents. I become a monster, someone who hated everyone and everything. I would pick fights so I would have an excuse to get high. I didn't realize or I didn't want to know what the drug was doing to me.
Why can't addicts stay sober? I've heard this a lot over the years since I got clean. For me, staying clean is a daily struggle. I've recognized my triggers which might lead me back to using. One of them is stress. When I get really stressed out, I start jonesing. I've learned to do whatever I can to try to take my mind off going out and looking for a dealer. When I can't, I make a 12-step call.
People say that the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. It took a lot for me to admit that cocaine was ruining my life. When you're an addict, nothing else matters. Not your friends or your family. You push people away. Drugs are like the friends who give you everything and then take it away. I lost so much because I tried drugs and I got hooked. All my so-called 'friends' ditched me after rehab and I learned what loneliness was. My friends that didn't ditch me couldn't trust me because I lied to them too many times. I had to rebuild trust with everyone and it took a year for my parents to let me go to the bathroom by myself.
Drugs ruin lives and trust. If I had to say something, my advice would be to not get yourself involved in a situation where you might be tempted to try or take drugs. I know it sounds lame but say no. Walk away. They're not worth loosing everything over.
It had been 13 years since Jayde got clean and now as she posted this on her Tumblr, she began having cravings. Why now, she thought as she got up for another cup of coffee. Everyone was working and not paying attention to her. She tried to push the cravings down, at least for the rest of the day. Come on, Jayde. You only have an hour left. You can do this. Breathe in, breathe out. She got another cup of coffee then went back to her desk.
The next hour went by slowly but she tried to make it through. The squad had told her to tell them if she was craving, but she decided not to tell them. They've worried about her too many times. Finally it was time to go to Barba's. This made her smile. You did it, Jayde!
She smiled at Carmen who was on her way out. Rafael could tell something was wrong the second she walked in. Concern showed on his face. "What's wrong, cariño?"
A sigh. "I don't want you to worry about me, Rafi. I posted my new blog entry about my drug use and then I started having cravings. I don't know why".
He looked at her and he put his hand on her face. "Cariño, I'm glad you told me. Does anyone else know?"
She shook her head. "I only had an hour left and I was able to talk myself out of it".
"You've been clean for 13 years?" A nod. "I don't know much about drug addiction, especially your addiction but I promise you that you never have to worry about bothering me. I love you and I don't want you to feel like you have to go through anything by yourself".
She nodded again as tears started going down her face. He kissed her and wiped her tears away with his fingers. This made her smile. "How about I treat you? What are you in the mood for?"
She walked out with him. "How about some Mexican?"
Together they got Mexican take out and brought it over to her place. The kids were happy to see Rafael again, especially Steven who ran up to him again. That night as they were eating, Rafael told her that she should tell Olivia. "Cariño, it'll be better if you do. That way, if anything happens, she'll know how to take care of it. She'll be proud of you like I am". Jayde nodded knowing he was right.
The next day, she arrived at the precinct and everyone was busy working. Olivia saw her and greeted her as she walked in. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Olivia nodded and they went to her office. "I just wanted to tell you that yesterday while I was here, I started having cravings. I can usually tell when I'm about to have one but yesterday it came out of nowhere".
Olivia nodded. "I'm very happy you told me. I greatly appreciate it. I know you're open and honest about your addiction and that's something else I appreciate. Do you know what your triggers are?"
"Usually stress but I don't think I was feeling that. We got the kids from the airport and then came home".
"'We.'"
"Me and Barba. We're dating and Steven loves him and he started checking on me after I got assaulted then after my divorce".
Olivia smiled. "We figured you guys would get together eventually. Again, I'm very happy that you told me and if you need even a 10-minute break, let us know".
"I will, thank you".
I told Liv about our relationship today. She didn't seem surprised. I also told her about what happened. She told me that she was happy that I told her. You were right, she was proud of me for telling her. Anyway, I'll see you later? – Jayde
For once, you admitted I was right. What do I win? Yeah, I should be done around 7. I love you so much and I am so proud of you. – Rafael
Haha. An insult inside a compliment. How about you get to pick? Winners choice because I love you so much. I'll see you around 7. – Jayde
