TMR/TBS Imagines

Newt // Self Harm *REQUEST*

* I want to thank every single person who sent me 'Stay safe' messages before the hurricane hit and to those who said they were glad I was okay. That makes me so unbelievably happy to hear that you all care about me and I love you all for it!

This imagine was requested by Lily_Rose_sky
I am so incredibly sorry that it took over a week for me to post this but things have been crazy for me but I'm trying to get back in the swing of things. I hope it's good enough to make up for how long it took to get to you! *

WARNING: if you can't tell by the title, this imagine has to do with self harm so if that's triggering in any way, DON'T READ! I'm always here to talk if you ever feel down or just need someone to talk to because I know a lot about this topic.

Newt and I were the same in many ways- we shared a job, a room in the homestead, and unfortunately, the same way of thinking. Newt didn't mean to plant these dangerous thoughts in my head, but when he jumped, it was like I was seeing things through a new perspective.

Lying beside him as he lay unconscious on that cot for two weeks gave me two long weeks of only my thoughts keeping my company. He wasn't there to stop them, and nobody else in the glade was willing to talk to the grieving girlfriend, so I was let alone.

It started off slowly, like what if we never got out of the maze or what if like beyond the maze was worse, but then the thoughts darkened. I wondered now if what I was doing was worth it, was it worth it to fight for a way out of here. I mean, I wasn't contributing at all- I was a simple gardener.

The thoughts took over my brain until I eventually gave in to them, and gave up. No more eating, no more sleeping, no more playing with the boys. I felt empty, like somebody took out the soul from my body and left me a hollow shell of fake smiles and tired eyes.

I needed relief. The emptiness that I was feeling made me feel inhuman, and I wanted to feel human again. Living wasn't an option anymore, so happiness wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind, but pain was a clear sign of being alive.

It started one night after Newt broke up a fight between two boys. Now I know I was being selfish, but the dark thoughts clouded my brain.

You did nothing to help them

All you did was stand there watching

Newt took care of it easily and he has a limp

You're pathetic for not doing anything

Nobody questioned me when I grabbed the knife from the kitchen because they never thought it could be used for harm. Nobody wondered why I suddenly disappear sometimes during the day and come back with red eyes. Nobody cares that my brain is trying to kill me, and I'm letting it.

Tonight was no different. I said my good nights to Newt and the boys before walking up to my room, only to sit there for a few minutes before sneaking out and into the woods. I knew none of them would follow me, but I was scared for one of them to find out.

They wouldn't understand. They would blame me for wasting valuable resources when I needed to patch my arm up. They would scorn me for being so selfish in a place where everything was done solely off the reliability of others. They would hate me for wishing to be dead.

Hiding behind a tall tree, I curled my legs into my chest and stared my wrist. One was blank, a clear patch of (Y/S/C) skin. But the other was covered in white and red lines- the white ones from scabs that scarred over, and the red ones from fresh lines I've made in the past week. Most of them were horizontal down to the center of my forearm, but some were cut diagonally when I felt a change of pace was needed.