Drive-Thru

Clingy

People call me different names, but attention seeker isn't one of them.

Really. I'm reviewing for an exam, and all I could think of is to actually talk  to someone, preferably with sense and open for exchanging stories and secrets. I'm out of focus. Distracted. My past professor's voice rings in my head: "You have no sense of urgency!"

I hate it when I'm at this state. I don't crave for attention. I don't demand for someone's attention. In my point of view, it seems... desperate.

I'm falling behind my usual self, and yet I lack action. I get my subjects all right, but it just isn't enough. Here comes the load of projects, and I feel like I don't contribute well to it. Just a freeloader.

Just, what.

And yet, here I am, writing. Because no one cared enough to ask how I was doing. I feel like no one really listens. Or I can't just accept this and tell it to others. Or I turn them down when they ask.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

As much as I'd like to break down, it feels like I already did at a point before. Now too shattered, my mindset now is just get it over with. Who cares?

Now, I'm thinking of a single thought: Small, slow steps.

At least I'm doing something. No need to pressure myself.

But I hate myself when I'm at this state. I'm not slow, for goodness' sake. I always move fast. I hate being left behind. And I'm losing myself somewhere at the back in this process.

Take a break. Have a Kitkat.

I hate being clingy. It makes me believe that I am more annoying than usual. It makes me believe that I'm bothering someone for a petty reason. And I don't like to be a bother. 

Why. Am. I. Like. This.

I am indeed a big contradiction.