Drive-Thru

so this is why

We don't talk anymore.

I've told myself this a lot of times for months. I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear your voice. Even the mere mention of you makes me cringe. If I could just erase you from my memory, I wouldn't take a second chance.

Just, leave. I don't want us to be friends anymore.

I promised myself to cut off all ties to all the people that have done me wrong over the years. You were one of those who made it to the list. One of the top, if I'm going to be really honest. You have caused me too much stress that I didn't think twice from cutting you off my life. Were there regrets? Absolutely not. I want to move on with my life. I don't want my past to pull me down again.

And yet here you are, trying to go back in my life again.

I don't know what I did wrong to you, because from my point of view, I was the one who was hurt. Maybe we're sharing a different trauma, a completely opposite perception of one another. But you brought me stress way before you ever thought.

We were once close.

They all thought that we were a couple because we're shoulder to shoulder everytime we walk through the hallway. I was with you for most of my classes. They always approach me for your whereabouts. Those times were good, I must say.

And then, I don't know what happened, but we grew apart.

A huge part of me convinced myself that this was part of growing up. We needed to be with other people so we could explore our boundaries. But I stayed at my comfort zone because I was scared. You made me feel safe and happy. You left and found another person to be with.

It made me jealous. So jealous that I kept on asking myself if I had any incompetencies when I was your closest friend. Was it because I live in a dormitory with a curfew, and you needed someone you can pull out during midnight? Was it because I was unavailable during nights whenever you need help for your exercises?

I still don't know the answer but I never sought them out. I let them be questions without answers forever. I don't want to know, as well, because I was so sure that you never saw me that way. You still saw me as your friend. I had my lapses of doubt.

There were moments during that year where I would just look at the ceiling in my dormitory room, hoping for something to happen. You were included in my few friends list. I never had any friends whom I could call more than acquaintances over the course of my life. You were included, before. But now, my mind was etched with painful memories of you.

I remember crying in the corner of my room. Helpless. Suicidal. Nothing to cling on. You were never there.

I remember eating alone during all of my breaks. I wanted to ask you but you were probably with your new best friend. I longed for companionship. You were never there.

I remember looking at empty spaces for a long time, wishing for someone to talk to. But I never got the courage to chat you, since what I got was that you only approach me whenever you needed me. That was a slap-in-the-face realization. I realized that we were friends for your benefit, not mine.

You were never there for the times I needed someone to support me. You were never there when I received my heartbreaks. You were never there to help me whenever I feel down.

I wish you were. But you were too focused on your own life. Your own space. You probably forgot that I existed. That I needed help. That I wanted someone to be with and talk about everything.

It sucks talking about this. But I have no choice but to release this unsaid feelings or else they will creep me again and again. I don't want to be bound by my past anymore.

I want to move on from the sadness that you caused me.

You were one of the main reasons why I hated 2018. Not because of my breakup. Not because of my failures as an organizer. Not because of all failures. Not because of my traumatic experience. You caused me stress more than everything, and it piled up until I finally gave up.

And I persevered. I made myself better. For all of the times that no one helped me, I did it for myself. No one's gonna pull me up. I never expected help anymore.

My mother raised me to be independent. She would be so proud to know that I recovered from all the sadness and anger dwelling inside me alone.

And that's what 2018 did to me. I should never expect help, because people will end up failing you anyway. It will come eventually, but while you're waiting, do something. Pull yourself up. And I did.

I'm resilient. These will never bring me down to the pits.

I saw that you were happy in your new life without me. I told myself, Great! I don't need to feel bitter about the progress of other people. You grew without me, and I'm so proud of you for becoming an independent person.

But I've accustomed to the fact that you weren't there for my growth as well. The pain that you caused me made me wary but also stronger. I learned that relationships end eventually. I've had enough overthinking of why we grew apart. I'm just done.

Basically, I don't care anymore.

I've invested so much in this friendship and got these. And this is why it hurt so much.

Let go of me, please.