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Random 3AM Thoughts

So instead of messaging my friends my random 3AM thoughts, why not share it here?

I believe, until now, that I'm an honest person. My parents didn't teach me how to lie, but I picked that up myself. But I observed my actions and reflected. When was the last time I lied?

I can't remember. Was pretending a form of lie? I'm good at that. Pretending I'm someone I'm not. Pretending that everything's okay even though it's not. Pretending...

It's okay. It's okay to build a new you in order to cover yourself that you don't want others to see. It's okay to hide. It's okay to pretend.

Because in the end, we're going to be judged, anyway. Despite our efforts to be accepted in this society, we still end up being judged.

I sometimes see people with a pingpong racket, only that the colors were red and blue. If he/she thinks you're good according to his/her taste, the blue side goes up. Otherwise, the red.

I always feel that when I walk in front of them, the red side always pops up.

That's why I need a new me that will be accepted by my fellow humans. Because even though I don't show it, I don't like seeing that red side  often. I would lose my sanity. I would be crippling in depression again. I would be forever thinking, "What's wrong with me?"

But this is not me that I'm building. It's the socially-accepted me.

And that sucks. Because those two persons are in a single vessel, yet different.

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I wrote a short story about this, and if they permit me to post it, I'll share it. :)

And yeah, I'll be honest with you here since it's 3AM. I know I'm not that good in speaking English so please bear with me.

Happy (or not) reading!