Drive-Thru

Practicality vs Dreams

I was binging Jane the Virgin (yes, it is good) and one episode struck me the most--about Jane being in a crossroads on her career path.

A little spoiler about Jane Gloriana Villanueva: she was taking an Education course for college, but her lifelong dream was to be a writer. His father, Rogelio, takes her to be an intern at his telenovela. However, her teaching job, which was a requirement for her to take in order to graduate, offered her a temporary teaching position. Added the fact that she was: 1) pregnant; 2) has a waitress-ing part-time job, and 3) stuck in a love triangle with two hot men.

And she makes a bold choice: to take both the teaching job and the internship. But things started to fall right afterward.

And it was Alba, her grandmother, who said these words that struck me the most: "Dreams don't pay bills."

See, I loved Jane's character in this because I relate to her (except for being pregnant and in a love triangle). I still believe, up to this date, that I should be a writer. I just don't know what kind of writer should I be. 

Last year, when I got my research output published in a local conference, I seriously believed that I could be a researcher. It was both things that I enjoyed that time merged into one: writing a research paper (it was surprisingly enjoyable) and developing a project. Even though it was very stressful, I was proud of my output. I felt like I had a valuable contribution to the body of knowledge.

And then I had a full-time job--teaching. And developing software projects. I just didn't have the time to write anymore.

I once believed that if I really loved something, I will make time for it. The naivety. I failed to recognize that there are other factors in decision-making. And sometimes, even if you really wanted to, there isn't any other choice.

I am struggling. That's the fact that I can't ignore anymore. I feel like the pressure on paying bills, improving my career, and following my dreams takes too much of my mind. At this young age (yes, I'm young), I feel like I'm losing time when in fact I don't.

The concept of taking time on things was losing in my mind. A year ago, I would've believed that we have our own timeline on accomplishing things. Now, the fact that I wanted to do a lot of things yet not doing any of it paralyzes me.

It haunts me, really. I have these sticky notes on my cubicle at my work where I listed the things I want to do on research, and yet I haven't done any progress on it. I still haven't closed the tab on taking online courses to expand my knowledge, yet I haven't committed to one. I still have the graduate courses that I wanted to explore, yet I'm frozen on deciding what to take.

And I still come back thinking whether I am on the right track.

Don't get me wrong. I love teaching. I love developing applications. And I love writing ever since I was fourteen. But in one way or another, I end up losing one thing over the other. Because I couldn't take it all even if I wanted to. My body is the limitation of my sky-high dreams.

 Sometimes I lay in my bed, thinking when I'll go home to my lifelong passion. I still want to finish Mathilda Bruhilda. I wanted to write more short stories. And then at the back of my head, I think, "Are you really good at that, or is it just something that makes you happy?"

I'd go with the latter. 

It frustrates me when things don't go my way. Yet, what can I do?

And here we go again, on another set of bills...