Drive-Thru

STOP!

I don't want to be pitied. But I'm writing this, anyway. Call we a wimp for whining like this or whatever. You can say, "Oh that's okay! You can always try for a new one." No. That won't do any help. Not a single bit. Ni katiting na positive thought, hindi ko maipapasok sa kokote ko.

In the first place, who are you to say that it's okay? Am I being rude? But that's what I think right now and I'm sorry. I'm angry, confused, sad... all the negative emotions. It feels like they created a whole new me. Na parang, alam ko naman na hindi ako ganito e. Alam ko, masaya ako kanina. Anong nangyari?

I was really okay in the morning even though we had an exam that I was not even prepared. Nasagutan ko naman. Tapos nagtanghalo at nagklase ulit na medyo na-enjoy ko kasi ang ingay ko. Then next class, nalaman kong nakapasa ako sa isang exam na akala kong babagsak ako. Safe. Tapos gabi na, nagreview kami ng friends ko.

I was okay. Really, really okay. Just when you thought things were going smooth and then suddenly, the road changed. Nalito ka na. Nagkabako-bako. At hindi mo alam kung anong nangyari.

Naniniwala ako sa karma. Naniniwala ako na kung may mabuting nangyari sa 'yo ngayon, in the near future magkakaroon ng masamang pangyayari sa 'yo na equivalent ng kabutihang nangyari sa 'yo. Parang Newton's Third Law. For every action, there is always an equal but opposite reaction. Tama ba ko? Kaya gusto ko sa umaga, bugnutin ako para sure ako sa susunod na mga oras, may igaganda naman kahit konti.

These past few days, I kept on telling myself that It's okay. Malalagpasan mo rin 'to. Kaya mo 'yan! Focus! Makakaraos ka rin! Pero universe, napasobra ka naman ata sa pagpapahirap sa 'kin. To the point na gusto ko nang sumuko. Gusto ko nang itigil ang lahat.

Maybe my reasons were just petty compared to others. Pero in my defense, iba kasi ang emotional impact sa 'kin. Kung para sa 'yo, hindi masakit ang rejection, well para sa 'kin sobrang sakit na parang tinusok ka ng libo-libong karayom sa puso. Hindi ka makagalaw. Hindi mo alam ang gagawin kung sisigaw ka ba sa tulong o maiiyak ka na lang sa sakit. Gusto mong sabihin sa iba 'yung nararamdaman mo, pero natatakot ka na baka isipin nila, "Ang duwag naman nito. Parang 'yun lang." I'M SO FED UP WITH THOSE WORDS!

Stop telling me what hurt and what doesn't hurt!

Wag mong diktahan ang nararamdaman ng tao. Kung masakit sa kaniya, masakit talaga. At ngayon, masakit talaga. Masakit.

Isasarili ko lang ang mga problema ko. Pero gusto ko lang ilabas na pagod na 'ko. Ayoko na. Kailangan ko pa bang magtiis? Ilang rejection pa ba ang tatanggapin ko? Hanggang kailan ko susuotin ang mukha kong nagmumukhang matapang? Maraming tanong na isipan ko pero ni isa, walang masagot.

I wish for everything to stop. I just want to be alone in my own little world, and just not caring about everything. Wala akong puproblemahin. I can be myself in that space. I don't have to pretend someone I'm not. I don't have to give in to pressure. I don't need to live to expectations. I can be me. I am free.

Wala 'tong ending. Because ngayon, ganito ako mag-isip. Bukas, iba naman. Bukas, ganito ulit. It's a never-ending cycle.

Pero napapansin ko rin, napapadalas 'yung ganitong pag-iisip ko. It scares me a lot more that darkness.

Maybe afterall, I'm weak, just like what they say. Just like what their stares meant. Just like their expressions to my different actions.

And I need to accept that fact fast. I need to catch up to reality.

--

I'm afraid to post this one, but I wanted to share this now because I feel kinda okay. No, I wrote this last November. December na ngayon, at syempre lumipas na 'yung nararamdaman ko.

I learned one thing that month: trick your brain. Utak mo 'yan. Utusan mo. Pilitin mo. Focus on a single thought when you feel lost. Kapag nalulungkot ka, pilitin mong mag-isip ng mga bagay na magpapasaya sa 'yo. Hindi guarantee na sasaya ka talaga at mawawala ang nararamdaman mong lungkot. But, it will help you cling on.

Kapag hindi mo na kaya, cheer yourself up. No one will do it for you.

Always, always, look for a brighter future and make it yours. The road will not be smooth. Punong-puno 'to ng mga challenges, rejections... enough to make you stop. I'm not at that point yet where I know what I want for my future, but I wanted to step forward.

And, chose always the best. Hindi ibang tao ang magsasabi kung ano ang best para sa 'yo. Ikaw ang magdidikta no'n. The best includes you being happy and satisfied. It must suit you.

I sound like preaching today. Oh well.