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Different Lives

2015. My life had a reset--I would be starting fresh in UP Los Banos. No friends, no prejudice. New knowledge. New faces. And a brand new environment for me. And I was determined to "find myself", or what the hippies are calling it right now.

And I was living my college days, trying to be happy every single day. It wasn't necessarily the case. There were good days, some even greater than most. And bad days. When I couldn't focus on my classes. When my past still haunts me that I will never be good enough as an Iskolar ng Bayan. That eventually, all this hardwork for a failing grade.

It was a new life. I was struggling to keep up. I tried to keep up with the pace of others who were loads ahead of me. And a part of me enjoyed that chase because I was getting better.

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2016. There's nothing much to say this year, except that I was finally adjusted to the college life. I had a couple friends that I trust to my core. I was happy. My subjects felt challenging. And I was contented on my life at that time.

I think.

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2017. It was the week of February Fair. I remember the year when I finally had the courage to say that I was sad. That semester was the roughest of all. It was when I finally realized that I was becoming lonely. That I wasn't enjoying my college life to the fullest.

I wasn't able to enjoy one of the most fun events at college on that year. Just because I depend on my friends' availability--who were mostly introverts or have their own cliques already. And I was left alone.

One person joined me, even though that person wasn't physically there. I walked the stalls at the Freedom Park, earphones in my ear, as I talk with her. I laugh. I didn't mind the stares that I got from people, thinking that I was crazy for talking to someone in a noisy environment.

At least, loneliness felt a little lighter in my heart.

But I would've enjoyed the physical company. I would've enjoyed the bands and stayed up late to finish the performances. I would've screamed my lungs off trying to sing along. And being tired and sluggish the next day was worth the fun.

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2018. It was the worst year. Period. Fuck my ex who I never felt loved. Fuck my friends who weren't there for me at my worst times. Fuck everyone who tried to change me for who I am. Because this was the year where everything felt unclear yet I'm trying to understand myself.

At the end of the year, I felt like I knew myself better.

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2019. I graduated. I got a job. And suddenly, I lived a different life. Long gone were the times where I needed a fresh start because I loved my improvement. Long gone were the times when I felt lonely all the time because I found solitude on being alone and admitting to myself that I needed company. It was the times when I became comfortable with myself.

And I looked back to my previous selves and how they got through their shit. And I am the outcome of their attempts on solving their own problems. 

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I still can't write. But I'm trying to win back my creativity. I feel like my life right now is sucking all the arts and crafts that I held on for the past seven years.