Drive-Thru

Imposter

So... watch the video above.

So I guess let's talk about how I felt those things.

2015. January that month, there were rumors that the UPCAT results will be out soon. I actually didn't care that time. I had the thinking that if our Valedictorian passed, there might  be a chance that I will too. A very slim chance. If he didn't, well... there's no way we'll pass. He's the smartest among our batch. How could we pass the hardest entrance exam if he didn't stand a chance?

The day came. I was sick that night, even though we have examinations the next day. I chose to sleep and rest. When I woke up that night, I received texts from my classmate. Congrats! I know you can do it!

Past-Ced thought, what? Did our examination results come out early? Why is he congratulating me?

Then I opened my Facebook. There were messages of... congratulations. Of me passing the UPCAT. That someone from our batch did. Me.

I opened the website of the results immediately. I mentally cursed because of the shitty Internet. But it persevered. And when it landed on the letter G, I searched for my surname.

Two matches. One's my name and my course--Computer Science.

I shouted to my mother, saying that I passed the UPCAT. She screamed. She looked at the results herself.

Inside, I felt... proud. That of course, I passed the most prestigious and sought out university in the Philippines. I passed one of the hardest exams in my whole life (segue, they were right though-- when you enter UP, it is the easiest exam you'll face).

But at the same time, sad. Because to be honest, I didn't dream on entering this university. All I wanted was to go to college and live my life to the fullest. I was scared before on not thinking about my future, on what course I'll take, on what university. When I passed that exam, I had a glimpse of future.

I took the exam to experience it.

And what's sadder is that our Valedictorian and Salutatorian did want to go. I don't know now. But I could see in their faces the bitterness, for the lack of a better term. What I felt that time is pride and sadness. Pride, that I passed an exam they didn't. But that was just a small portion of what I felt.

Sadness, because I know I didn't deserve this spot. That I wasn't intelligent enough like them to be in that university. I didn't deserve to be dubbed as someone smart or what. That's just not me. The Top 2 of our batch are very good in all aspects. And me... I don't know. What I focused on  is writing. And I wanted to be one.

But even that one proved to be wrong.

It's just that, this sense of insecurity stills drags me behind. That I know I'm not as good as others when I write. I'm not even that good. I don't use that much of figures of speech, and my writing doesn't have that certain beauty. Like that of poetry.

And even if I won one contest, it keeps on haunting me that I didn't deserve of that place. That there are others in that contest well-deserving of that spot. 

There are a lot of times I felt this way. But these two are the biggest, meanest...

I guess that's one fatal flow of mine. I'll always be insecure of myself and what I've done. Because one thing that sucks being me is that I don't excel on anything. I'm just... persevering on everything that I do. That I just don't give minimal effort to a certain task. That I don't find the Okay lang 'yan attitude good. I want, in everything I do, I'll be proud of it.

Right now, I'm focusing on improving myself. Continue feeding myself with knowledge and learn. But even so, I'm in an environment where they all found what they're good at. And I'm just one open on what they could give.

Maybe insecurity does have a positive effect. It drives people to be better.

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Oh yeah, before I forget, I am writing everyday. I just write letters (eck, I know), papers (more eck) and other materials for my organization and academics. I do update from time to time Where They Met (I'm whipping up something but still unfinished!) and commit (which is just a thing I update when I just feel being on character). I plan on writing Kalyeng Walang Hangganan soon (I already have a draft!) and something... new. Again. Hahahaha. Thanks for reading!