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Prayer

If you pray against homosexuality, don't worry--I do it too. Every night.

Every night, whenever I'm in my sleeping clothes--a simple sando plus boxer shorts--I lay in my bed and try to hum a silent song. I would turn off the lamp beside my head and place my phone there. A final check on my phone whether to see a chat from one of my friends, or you know, my crush. Then I close my eyes and connect.

And I always start with a question.

Why am I not straight?

I try so hard everyday to fit in. And every single day, I have to hide that I'm secretly crushing on one of my friends who looks cute on our uniform. I have to top the exams and be a consistent academic achiever. I have to be athletic. I need to be active in our organizations. I have to do a lot of things to compensate for me being not what they want me to be.

And they have these looks. How I should be straight because of my good looks. Any girl would kill to be with me. Except that, I like the same thing they do--boys.

No one knows. I never confirmed it. But they judge, with their two wide eyes, that I'm not.

Because I don't act manly. I don't say the words pare or dude with my friends. I don't play DoTA or LoL. I don't hangout much with my male friends outside of school, or even with my female friends for that matter. And I certainly don't get along with their sexist jokes, or the way the huddle on one corner and watch a pornographic video.

I just can't. But I try, everyday, to be with them. To be one of them.

I carry on the weight of being more, because once they knew who I really am, I hope all my achievements will outweigh the fact that I am, indeed, gay.

But still, I pray for God to make me a real man.

Maybe, this was just a hormonal thing for teenagers. No, I'm not having feelings with one of my male friends. It's just sexual pressure that I need to release.

The feeling of being judged cripples me to do my everyday work. Everytime I hear the word bakla, even if not directed to me, changes my mood from 10 to 0. Because I know for a fact that word means differently in the Philippines.

It means that I should be funny. I'm not witty, nor my jokes aren't labeled as funny neither. I'm contented with being the one who laughs the loudest or the hardest, even for the corniest jokes.

It means that I should wear girl clothes now. I'm not exactly fond of fashion. I don't see myself wearing heels or skirts. I like myself looking sharp with pants and polo and a good pair of shoes. And most certainly, I'm not wearing any make-up.

It means that I have to be good at what's looking good and not. I'm not those parloristas! I'll never be one. I'll become better. I'll be better than them.

And the fact that I'm being labeled one doesn't sit well in my throat. I know I'm different. I know I'm not one of them.

But at the end of the day, I weep for the days that I've on the mask and the nights I have to suffer for my very identity to be hidden. It screams every night, wanting to go out to the world and be free.

And I realize, after crying for God knows how long, that I'm pathetic on crying about me, when in fact, there are others who doesn't think of their sexuality for them to live.

Maybe they grew up thinking that it's the norm--that males are made for females and vice versa. That a single thought of them getting attracted to the same sex was wrong and completely irrelevant. Because they need to eat. They need to live. And being gay will just make things harder.

The society thinks that being gay is a sin. That we should live a life committed to God and follow His orders--do not be gay.

And I pray even harder... Lord, I will follow You. Help me make myself attracted to women. Make me a real man.

He didn't answer. No one, in fact, answered. No signs. No actions. I waited and waited for something to happen.

None.

Does Lord want me to be gay? I thought He does not accept us homosexuals in Heaven?

I want to fulfill their expectations. My parents want me to be married and have a normal family. My friends want me to have a girlfriend. And what do I want?

To be straight.

Because I want to live a normal and silent life. And being gay in this unforgiving society is already suicide in disguise.