Why Can't It Be?

Chapter 54 - The Change

Grief is an awful feeling. Sorrow accompanied with regrets and longing. Camilla thought it's impossible for her to move past that stage in her life when waking up is the hardest.

She grieved so much for Jan but still felt like it wasn't enough. Nothing was.

"Una sa lahat gusto kong mag sorry. Sorry dahil ang tagal tagal bago ko nakuhang makapagpasalamat..." she paused.

"...dahil niligtas mo ako, dahil...binigay mo ang buhay mo para sa akin." her words came out almost like a whisper. The words pained her. As if it was drilling multiple holes in her chest.

"I couldn't say it Jan...I couldn't say a simple thank you." Camilla sobbed in her seat.

"I know what happened. How you saved me. I remember you telling me to wake up. You are the reason I'm alive now. You protected me. You kept your promise that it will always be me before anyone else but I...I...I could not find the strength to be grateful for this life because of the same reason that kills me to accept...it had cost you yours." she said in between sniffles and hitched breaths.

"Everyday, I still wake up and regret. What if you didn't do what you did. What if you stayed alive?" her eyes hazy with tears. "What if I died with you?" her voice breaks.

"Whatever I do, I can't find it in me to be thankful. Boo, hindi ko kayang magpasalamat dahil hindi ko kayang tanggapin na wala ka na." Camilla shakes her head as she cried even more.

Real was so close to grabbing Camilla towards his chest to hold her. He fought so hard not to even give her a glance when it was all he ever wanted to do right at that moment.

He just stayed there in silence pretending he wasn't hearing any of her cries.

Camilla cried for minutes without saying anything. Savoring the silence until she hears her heart break again.

She looked outside. The sun is up. It's rays brightens the places that were in the dark before. She sighed feeling it's symbolism.

"I miss you. I love you. I do, Boo." Camilla said "I'm sorry if I've been ungrateful." she sighed.

Besides Real talking to the ground crew over the radio, nobody else said a word again until they landed.

Katulad ng kanina ay inalalay ni Real si Camilla pababa sa eroplano.

"Thanks." she smiled a bit. Nauna siyang naglakad kay Real palabas ng hangar.

Camilla showed no definite expression. She was in between happy and sad. She wasn't frowning but she wasn't smiling that much either.

Real jogged as he followed Camilla outside "Gusto mo bang pumasyal pagkatapos natin dito? You know I can tour you around--" he said to break the silence.

Naglalakad na sila pabalik ng sasakyan. He just had to say something because her silence is slowly scaring him.

"Gusto ko munang mag pahinga Real." Camilla said giving him a glance.

"But you haven't eaten your breakfast yet. I know a place na may masarap na beef tapa." he said bribing Camilla with her comfort food.

Camilla scrunched her nose and slowly shook her head. "I'm not really hungry. Gusto ko lang muna talagang matulog." nagpatuloy siya sa kanyang paglalakad "Where are we staying pala?" she asked.