the three of us {chim}

Piece 81

'Dear James,

I've decided to take some time away. Away from everyone and everything currently in my life. I can feel myself becoming someone I thought I'd never be.  I don't even laugh the same anymore.  I don't smile the same anymore.  I'm so tired of everything but I can't resort to what I have in the past, so I have to do this. I can't stay living my 'glorious' life without thinking of you. Thinking of how everything would be if it had all just worked out.

Think of how different everything would be. It would be me, you, Mam, maybe other little ones running around. There would be a dog, two cats, and maybe even a hamster or something. We would live in a normal house, in a normal neighborhood, with normal neighbors. You and Mam would have normal jobs while I went to my normal school.

But, of course, nothing on this Earth ever works for me. I got put through hell in the foster system. I have a brother who hated my guts. My foster mother probably never wants to see me again. I have depression. I get picked on at school. I have a Dad who I'm trying so hard to reconnect with, but then got told that I cannot trust him. Things never work out and that's just my luck. It hurts to be broken.  But, it hurts even more to be broken by those who I love.  And what hurts most is knowing that I love the people who made my life toxic.  I was born to be thrown around, picked on, and hated. I was born to be a complicated person.

And that's just it - complicated. My life is one complicated infusion of emotions that go back and forth like a swing. I don't expect you to keep up and try to understand my emotions. I don't expect you to always have time for me.  I don't expect you to make drastic changes in your life for me. I don't expect you to tell me that you love me. And I hope you don't expect those things of me either.

What I do expect is a figure. Not a father, but a figure. A figure that can sometimes be there for me. A figure that I can trust and have faith in. A figure that can make promises and promise not to break them. A person who will let me escape to a place with them where there is no care in the world. I expect a friend, a figure, and a bond - an unbreakable one that is.

Read between the lines.

Love,

Camille Blue'

—

It's the first time I've ever comically talked about everything.  About my past, my present, my made-up future that I've imagined in my head a thousand times without anyone knowing.  It's the world that I wish I had lived in.  It's the world where everything is perfect.

But, as everyone knows, nothing is perfect.  There is no utopia where it's spring all year, butterflies fly around all day, and everyone eats candy for breakfast.  There is no such world, although I wish there was.  Instead, we have the world we live in that can be so cruel.  People can give away children to people who use them as objects.  They can use them as the toys rather than giving them the toys.  Others can treat others like garbage and get away with it.  They can torture their peers and never suffer the consequences.  Depression can take everything out of a person and emotionally drain them.

I have realized that not everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes things just suck.  Even though I try so hard, nothing I do ever seems to be enough.  I can't even be myself and make it enough.  All this trying I've done has just added more challenges to my life.  What I have realized from this is that my hardest challenge in life was grieving someone who is still alive.  I spent years grieving over the fact that me and my biological parents relationship was dead.  I would never meet them, never hear their voice, never see their face, never feel their arms wrapped around me.