I am not lonely [Mystrade]

CHAPTER 147 : Live, love, dare and stand up

"Little darling,

I  wish I could start this letter with something else in my stomach than  fear but I'm afraid that it's not the case. I'm not scared of you, I'm  scared for you. Scared of how I'm going to raise you up, scared of what  your future life is going to be like, scared since the first day I ever  took you home, scared since the first day I dared dreaming of you. I'm  scared but I'm trying to do my best not to let that drive me.

I want to be your hero despite being my uncourageous usual self. I'd like the grown up you to turn back on your childhood and admire how good of a father I was. I know that it's selfish but isn't it what every father want ?

I  have no plan to achieve that and to be honest I don't know what I'm  doing most of the time I'm around you but if it can reassure you, I  rarely had any idea of what was going on and I'm quietly reaching the  respectable age of 50 without any major injuries or incident - if you don't take into account one or two war I might have been a little too quick to urge the Queen to declare ... -.

When  growing up, I had quite a clear image of who I wanted to be as a father  but 45 years on my own made that fade away. Is that a problem ? I don't  think so. That's the first lesson I want to teach you. Making plans can  be useful but not following them are sometime the best choice you can  make. Have fun, take different routes from the one the others takes.  Maybe you will take longer to do your things, maybe you'll find a  shortcut but whatever it is, it will make you grow up and give you an  invaluable experience in life.

Don't try to escape yourself,  don't try to hide who you are. Be proud, be yourself with your qualities  and defaults. Listen to what people tell you, look for a way to become a  better person but never let the advices people gave you become life  rules without thinking them through. Never be ashamed about where you come from, it's your strength and somewhere to come back to whenever you feel bad.

You'll  maybe want to put your family in the shadow when growing up and I  certainly can't blame you for that. You have the right to grow up to be  yourself and not the daughter of someone or the sister of someone else  but before doing so, always ask yourself why you are doing it. It's  right that we can sometime be a little unwanted but be sure that if you  black us out it's a decision you make and not something someone else  would have forced down your throat.

You have the right to be mad  at me, you probably will and just for that I want you to know that even  when I look cross it's just a mask I have to put on. I'm virtually unable  to be mad at anyone I love but your Papa told me I sometime should give  you frontiers not to cross and here I am. Maybe one day I'll genuinely  won't understand something you would like me to get and that will make  you angry. All I can say to defend myself is that I don't know  everything, that I'm sometime prejudice and that I swear I'll try to  educate myself if only you give me a little time.

Be yourself. Be yourself. Be yourself. Always.

Read  the Bible, the Koran and the Torah, take whatever you want from these  but never put yourself into them fully. Study Marx and Tatcher,  make your choices but please remember women aren't always setting the  best example for other women. Don't worry about my opinion because who  am I to judge you.

Be kind with your brother. Go outside, help  each other. Make friends and extend your family. Maybe one day they'll  go away but for the moment treasure them. Have fun, experience new  things, be stupid if it's needed but never forget to wear a helmet.  Dress up, behave foolishly, life's too short to be cautious about what  people are going to think about you.

Listen to music, go to  exhibitions, rock a show and don't forget those muddy festivals. Whatever  is good for your mood is good for your heart. Do sports, cheer up for  your favourite team. Be loud, laugh frantically, never apology for it.