~Her words were my poison. I used them to consume myself.
Disturbingly honest. Painfully strained. Carefully penned down. Dangerously addictive.~
A journal that landed in the right hands and told a whole story with words, no lips could speak.
Two...
Today was somehow composed of different particles than yesterday was.
Today would never be yesterday. It smelled different. It tasted different. Every single strand of reality today was different from yesterday and every day that came before that.
The person I was today was going to be different from the person I was tomorrow--maybe the difference would be fractional but it would still exist.
It's existence meant that today mattered. That everything today had been--had been for something.
Something.
Not necessarily something good or bad. But something.
Something significant. Maybe in the slightest but significant nonetheless.
Today meant something.
Today meant more than just a little something.
Although the impact it may have had on me may have been tiny, it didn't make it mean any less that yesterday or tomorrow.
"Draxy?" I heard a whisper.
I hummed in response.
"What happened to the guilt?" She said wrapping her arms around me.
"I--I guess it's still there."
"But?" She offered.
"But I couldn't help myself." I said.
"Come here." She squeezed my body gently. "You know what? If it feels like it's what you have to do, don't feel guilty about it--"
"But it's hers, Pegasus."
"We talked about this."
"Tell me not to do it." I said.
"Drax." She sighed.
"Please? If you tell me not to--it'll mean something?" I tried to smile.
"Fine. Don't write in it anymore Draxy! It's not yours!" She tore the page I had just written on and walked away from there, leaving me there with the journal and the detached page.
I don't really know how I expected P to handle this, but this was probably not it?
Dear reader,
Do you ever feel like the world is somehow collapsing around you?
Sort of like it's crashing and burning and you're at the center of it. I know, it's pretty unlikely that if and when the world collapses, I'll be at the center of it. But I am at the center of my personal little universe.
Call me self-centred if you'd like but I think that's true for everyone?
You're the center of your universe. That's just how it is. And personally I don't think it makes you self-centred. That's just how we all are?
And today I feel like the entirety of my world is collapsing around me.
There's nothing I can do to save it and I just sort of have to be okay with it? Or somehow hold myself together while the world I've built around me shatters into a million tiny pieces.
The helplessness that I feel right now is what makes me want to rip myself into half.
The utter helplessness of this entire situation.
But since all I can do is try to focus on the positives, I guess I'm glad I still have you.
Today you're my only positive. And somehow you're enough. For now, you're enough to keep me from feeling like ripping myself into half.
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