Stolen Pages

Page 63// Sleep

"So you kissed her? After you had convinced yourself it's never going to work?"

"W--Well it's a little more complicated than just that--" I whispered.

"You're a jerk." She sighed and shook her head.

"I wasn't sure if ever be able to do that again--and it wasn't just me--she--she wanted it just as much as I did--"

"I fucking hate the fact that some part of me was involved in this!" She was mad at me. Or herself--it wasn't quite clear.

"Wend--"

"I don't want to hear it. You deserve better than that. And more importantly, P deserves better than to be holding on to that childish part of herself!" She said, wiping a stray tear.

"Are you crying?"

"I thought you were better than this! I thought P was better than this!"

"I don't understand--"

"Of course you don't, you're selfish and--and you don't even care--"

"Wend--stop crying, it's going to be okay, P and I sorted it out--"

"You don't understand!" Something was wrong--this wasn't about P or me.

I took a step closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. I wanted to be there for her.

"No, no, I can't do this--" She pushed me away?

"Wend, talk to me."

"I fucking hate you Clarke, I do, I really do." She wiped her cheeks again and took a step away from me.

"Are you leaving, Wend?"

She stormed off.

I didn't know what was wrong and it bothered me. Not knowing what Wendy needed from me, bothered me. Not being there for her, bothered me.

I sank into my chair and picked up the journal. Going after Wendy wasn't going to make anything better. If she had to be alone, I'd only make this worse by going after her. We'd been over this before.

I haven't slept. Not a wink in three whole days. Not even a little nap. It really puts things into perspective. I'll admit, I have gotten a little sluggish over the past few hours but sluggishness does not, in any way indicate incompetence.

At least I haven't gotten to that point yet.

I guess I do have at least a partial explanation for choosing to put myself through this ordeal.

The first night was kind of an accident. I was with a friend--who shall remain unnamed because my brain is not quite capable of proving a decent fake name right now--made me realize that sleep was sorta pointless? It just made sense. I just listened to my friend rant all night.

So here we are now.

Up at an odd hour, scribbling meaningless words into a meaningless cause.

Feeling my heart beat. Almost regretting my decision to not sleep.

I know this won't last much longer but I think not being able to sustain myself on this unhealthy sleep diet was one of the reasons it was so fucking special.

It was perfect.

While simultaneously being destructive.

How purely fascinating!?