~Her words were my poison. I used them to consume myself.
Disturbingly honest. Painfully strained. Carefully penned down. Dangerously addictive.~
A journal that landed in the right hands and told a whole story with words, no lips could speak.
Two...
I don't know if anyone asks if I'm okay anymore? Maybe they already know the answer. Whatever, it doesn't matter, right? Just one of those things. I mean, it is one of those, not so great, days.
That's about it. I wish I didn't have this nasty habit of over-sharing. Maybe that would make everything less stressful.
I knew why I liked reading her so much. It meant I didn't have to go through the awkward bits of getting to know her. But now it was different. Now she was real. She knew that I knew her, at least in the ways that counted. I wondered if I'd ever get to ask her if she was okay. Maybe I'd asked her already. Maybe I did know her.
I hoped she was okay.
"Drax?" I saw P walking towards me.
"Petunia."
"She's going to be okay," she said, taking my hand in hers.
"Uh huh, did Lock tell you?" I asked.
"Yes, and I know you didn't want me to know but he was worried and I had the right to know--"
"P, I don't want to talk about it."
"Well, I do! How are you?" Her voice softened.
"I'm," I hesitated, "I'm not sure I'm unhappy about it for the right reasons."
She nodded in understanding and I continued, "they weren't there for me. And I want Lacey to have that, yeah, but I'll never be a part of it."
"Drax--"
"No, let me finish, please. P...I love Lacey more than I love anyone else in the world. All I want, is for her to be happy. But I can't help but feel selfish when it comes to our parents. And that's fucked up, I know. I'm jealous of my baby sister and--and maybe her being away for a while is better?"
"You're right, it's fucked up." Her soft voice turned sharp. A knife, slicing right through me.
"P--" I had to try to explain it. If P continued looking at me like that, I was afraid I'd lose her.
"No. You didn't get along with your parents, Draxy, no biggie. Mine kicked me out, shit happens. But you're not allowed to be jealous of Lace for having a halfway decent childhood."
"P, I don't want this! I'm happy for her! I'm worried about her but I'm happy that maybe she'll have different memories than me--"
"But you still feel the need to hate her a little for getting the love you deserved?" She looked at me pointedly.
"No! Of course not!" I said.
"You know what, Drax, I'm going to go. This is one of those Wendy will fix it, type of things." There were things P would never get. I couldn't blame her for it, this was pretty bad. I appreciated her honesty, even if it meant disgust.
But I couldn't control this. And if I could, I would. I'd do anything to make sure Lace was happy and safe.
And I still was jealous.
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