My Thoughts

The Bed

Im still here. Waiting. It'll go off soon, the painful anticipation can stop. Finally as the Clock rings and i stop it. I sit and stare at it as its the only thing filling the silence other than the painful thoughts that fill my head. I hate it. The constant screaming of the clock briefly helps until it stops. Then the thoughts flood back in and i become numb again. Im numb because of years of experiencing this horror day after day. Ive learnt to respect my alarm clock. Enjoy the calmness while it lasts before the dread crawls back to my brain again. I look around. The same dump on another day. I try to push my head from my pillow but i cant. This bed hurts but its the best place ive ever been. The only thing in 'my' room that brings me comfort and happiness. Other than Them. But i cant see them. Not anymore, they were gone once i moved. They were created to help me cope with it. They worked. I was happy when i was around them. When i wasnt i would shrivel into a tiny ball of sadness and regret of what happened, of what i did.

I do it. After trying day after day i get up im sitting up staring into my wall and its shadows hoping the clock could go off again. Like they would show up any time now. I feel the warm sun on the back of my head from the window behind me. I dont move. Its the furthest i've gotten in days, Weeks even. And suddenly i realise something. the idea the kids gave me at school with the rope seems to be a good one.