it's finally 2017. i didn't drink on new years because i was sick. and today i woke up and felt my stomach twist into a knot. i shot up from the bed and bolted to the bathroom. i spent about 15 minutes throwing up before gus came to check up on me. i followed him back to the bedroom and the realization hit me.
"gus." i said nervously.
"yes baby." he said.
"i think i'm pregnant." i said looking at the floor.
"i think you are too." he said nonchalantly.
"huh?" i was so confused.
"baby you've been throwing up every morning. do you want me to run to CVS and get you a test?" he said, now looking at me.
"yes please. i just want to be sure." i said timidly.
he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me before taking my car to CVS. i sat on the bed, my anxiety taking over my thoughts. what if i was pregnant? would gus want me to get rid of it? did i want to have a kid right now? could i support a kid right now? my mind was running wild and i couldn't keep up with all of my thoughts.
"baby." gus yelled. i jumped from the bed and started pacing.
"calm down." gus said but i could tell he was nervous too.
he handed me the box of tests and i timidly walked to the bathroom. after i peed on them gus and i set a timer and left them in the bathroom. after about 10 minutes of anticipation we went in the bathroom. all 3 tests were positive. i dropped to the floor and started to cry. i didn't know if i should be happy or if i should be sad. gus bent down and rubbed my back as i wept.
"baby it's going to be okay." he whispered.
"gus i don't think i'm ready." i cried.
"i know you are. this baby and you will be my everything okay? i'll take a break from touring and music." he said.
"i love you so much." i said hugging him.
there's no place in this world that was better than being in gus' arms. it was like anywhere i was, i was at home in his arms. like my anxiety floated away along with everything i worried about.
"baby i'm gonna make you a doctors appointment to see how far along you are." he said helping me off the floor and to the bed.
after i was tucked in he grabbed his phone and dialed the number to a doctor. he was on the phone for about 15 minutes before he hung up and smiled at me.
"tomorrow at 2:30 we're going to see the baby doctor." he said kissing my forehead.
he seemed so happy so why wasn't i? was it because i was scared i couldn't give this kid everything? was it because i didn't want this kid? or was it because i'm scared to be a mom? whatever it was i knew me and gus weren't feeling the same about the kid. being 19, 20 in 2 days, and pregnant wasn't ideal.
"baby what's wrong?" gus asked.
"i'm scared." i said honestly.
"scared for what?" he said.
"just forget about it." i said laying down.
"baby." gus said lying down with me, pulling me into him.
he didn't say anything after that. i didn't either. i was being consumed by my thoughts and the silence. my head felt as if it were spinning. all i wanted to do was sleep so the thoughts would stop. so, i closed my eyes until i felt my body being pulled on top of gus'.
"i'm scared too." he whispered.
"i'm not ready to take this responsibility but i'm forcing myself to be okay with it because i love you. i'm lil peep. i don't think anyone thought we would even last this long. i had sex for fun. but you've changed my mindset. you've changed my priorities. i'm so terrified that this kid will be like me. i'm scared i won't be able to be a good dad for this kid but i'm going to try." he said. he spoke so softly as if he spoke to loud i'd shatter. his words calmed my mind a little but the doubt was still prominent.
"just let me take you out to eat or something tonight to get your mind off of things." he said.
so he did that. he took me out for the night. it wasn't partying or going clubbing or any of that, it was dinner. just us two, kind've three, and i'm not going to lie, it helped so much. gus made sure that i didn't have time for my mind to drift back into thought. the date ended kind of late but gus took me to the country and we sat atop a hill, looking at the stars."
"wait right here, i'll be back in the morning." gus sang.
"i know that i'm not that important to you but to me, girl, you're so much more than gorgeous. so much more than perfect." he sang but quieter.
"right now i know that i'm not really worth it. if you give me time i can work on it. give me some time while i work on it." i sang.
"losin your patience and girl i don't blame ya. the earths in rotation. you're waitin for me." he sang back.
i looked at him as the moon shone on his face. he looked perfect. he looked the kind of perfect you'd hear about in fairytales. his tattoos complimented his features. he looked at me and all i saw was pure perfection. i reached my hand out and placed it on his cheek. i couldn't think of anyone better than him. he's loved me through everything. i've loved him through hell.
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almost 2k fucking reads!??!?? that's insane to me. thank you so friggin much. anyways, so what's up kiddos. updates are going to be a little slow bc my anxiety is beating my ass and so is school. i'm trying to keep up with everything but it's getting big boy tough. also feedback is always so good and fresh so go ahead leave sum of dat shit. anyway, peace out buddies :*
