November 7th.
it's been a week since i've seen gus. it's been hard. eli is getting sick again and my brothers are always gone for work. liza stopped by a couple times before she went back home.
i was at the mall with eli when i spotted two girls staring in my direction. i thought they were going to come up to and talk shit but they ran over with smiles. one of them was crying and they were holding hands.
"oh my god dani we love you so much!" the crying one said.
"hi." i said with a smile.
"i'm aliyah and this is nalia. we love you so much!"
"aw thank you guys." i said.
"is this eli?!" aliyah asked.
"yes. this is my baby." i said smiling at him in his stroller.
"god he's so adorable. he's gus' baby right?" she asked, now averting her eyes from eli to me.
"um yea he is." i said awkwardly.
"he looks like him." she said.
"where's gus right now?" nalia asked.
"i'm not to sure. we're not exactly together anymore." i said.
"what happened!?" nalia asked.
"i don't want to talk about it. it's very personal." i said.
"it had something to do with that arzaylea girl doesn't it? she's all over his instagram." aliyah asked.
"uh yea." i mumbled.
"i'm so sorry dani." aliyah said hugging me.
"oh my god is that lil peep?!" i heard someone yell.
"i'm sorry girls i have to go. dm me on instagram and i'll follow you guys!" i said. i tried to escape but my name was being yelled. he had already seen me.
"danielle!" he was getting closer so i just stopped.
"dani." he said approaching me out of breath.
"gus." i mumbled.
"i miss you." he said putting his hand on my face. i let it sit for a moment before removing it from my face.
"it's not happening gus. you can forget us." i said, holding my stance.
"i love you." he whispered.
i took a moment then to take in his disheveled appearance. it always seemed as if he couldn't hold himself together when i wasn't there. his baggy clothes, chipped nails and dark circles indicated he stopped caring. his hood was up but i could still tell he hadn't been showering regularly. he was paler and i knew he was back on the drugs again. he looked sickly. like he was a zombie.
"can i hold my son?" he said. his hands were shaking.
"gus what are you on?" i said pulling the stroller away from him. i grabbed his hand and flipped it around to see white powder residue under his pinky nail.
"don't touch eli." i said. i took him out of his stroller and held him to my chest.
"dani please." he said. his voice cracked and i felt a sharp pain shoot through my chest.
"gus leave us alone." i said. my voice was shaking but i didn't give in.
"i'm going on tour soon." gus said.
"good. stay away from us." i said.
i sat eli back in his stroller, buckled him in and walked away. gus didn't follow me he just stayed in the same place i left him. i took one last glance at him and tried to forget his name. tried to forget the way his hands felt on my body. tried to forget the words he whispered in my ear. tried to forget the way he made me laugh. i tried to forget him but it was no use. trying to forget only made me want to remember him more.
he has fully taken control of every part of my brain. i hate him but i love him so much. it's hard to love someone that has completely ruined your life. it's hard to let them go. it's hard to start over with someone new and that's why i've stayed. but i can't anymore. it's over for good. no matter how much i love gus it will never work.
the whole time i was thinking i was walking me and eli to the car. once i settled eli in i just started to cry. all the thoughts of gus and i being completely done made my heart shatter. being in love with someone who doesn't have your best interest in heart fucking sucks. i just wish for once he would show me i'm enough. enough for him not to cheat on me.
"dani." someone yelled at me from outside of the car. before i knew it my entire car was surrounded by paparazzi and eli was crying.
"shh baby it's okay." i said turning towards him.
people shouted my name and i just ignored them and started my car. i tried to pull around everyone but i couldn't make my way out of the parking spot. my name was being screamed at me. i honked a couple times to let them know i wanted to get out but it was no use.
"dani what's the status of you and lil peep's relationship?" someone yelled. i cracked my window.
"get the fuck out of my way!" i yelled.
"dani tell us about peep's drug addiction!"
"dani who's peep's new girlfriend?"
"dani is the baby lil peep's?"
"who's the baby's father?"
"dani!"
i maneuvered my way out of the parking lot but eli wouldn't stop screaming. i pulled into the nearest mcdonald's and got in the back seat with with him. i hushed him and fixed him a bottle. 20 minutes passed and he was fast asleep. my baby boy is all i have.
