i've been with gus since the day i found him half alive in his bed. we still haven't talked much but i've been there for him. hanging around the house like the old days. he was becoming so sad. i wanted to help but it just seemed as if i made things worse. i kept my distance from him but stayed close.
the holes in his walls multiplied. his skin became paler because he never left. his emotions became bleak and barren. like they were never there. his heart shriveled up and disintegrated. it was like i didn't even know the man that sat in front of me. it was like i wasn't carrying our son.
he ignored me like i wasn't important. but i stuck around. i couldn't tell you why i stuck around but i did. i kept trying to tell myself it was for my baby and that's when i knew i was selfish. this wasn't for anyone but me. it wasn't for him or this baby it was because i can't stay away. it was because i loved him too much to lose him. now i'm hurting myself watching him get worse.
"fuck." i said as i cut my finger. i guess i was too deep in thought.
"hey dani- shit why is there blood everywhere?" smoke said.
"i cut my finger." i sighed.
"i'll get you a bandaid." he said walking off. i cleaned as much of the blood up as possible. i heard someone coming down the stairs and i thought it was smoke until gus sat down at the table.
"hey." i said.
"what happened?" he asked monotonously. his eyes were staring at the droplets of blood on the floor.
"i was trying to make food and cut myself." i stated, wiping the blood from the floor.
"here's your bandaid. also i'm ordering chinese because you ruined the food with your blood." he laughed.
"okay. i want orange chicken and lo mein." i said, as i was having trouble with the bandaid.
"need help?" gus asked.
"i think i almost got it." why the fuck are bandaids so hard to put on your finger?
"here let me help." he said. he grabbed my hand softly and wrapped the bandaid around my finger.
"i just broke up with bella earlier." he said. my hand was still in his.
"i'm sorry." i said, avoiding eye contact.
"you know i still love you right?" he asked.
"gus don't do this right now." i mumbled.
"i'm sorry." he said, dropping my hand.
"don't apologize." i said.
he was facing towards the floor and i couldn't see his face because his hood was up. i slipped my hand under his hood and on his cheek. he averted his eyes towards mine and i could tell how exhausted he was. the bags under his eyes were bad and his skin was practically white. his eyes were dull and pale. his eyebrows furrowed when he looked at me, like he was confused.
"dani i miss you." he said. he grabbed my hand and pressed his face against it. his eyes fluttered close. i just watched him intently while tears slipped from my eyes. it hurt to see him this broken.
"i don't want to be me anymore. i don't want to fuck up good things anymore dani. i don't want to fuck up us." he said.
"gus i don't know what to tell you." i mumbled.
i retracted my hand from his grasp and turned my back to him. he reached out and grabbed my shoulder. he turned me around and just hugged me. i cried a bit but just let him hug me. our bodies seemed to mold together and i gave in. my arms wrapped around his waist and my face buried into his chest.
"i'm sorry i suck." he said.
"yea you kinda do." i laughed.
"thank you." he whispered.
"for what?"
"sticking around."
he removed himself from my grasp and we kinda just looked at each other. i didn't know what to say to him. did i dare tell him how i feel? did i dare ask him how he feels? he didn't make any effort to say anything to me so i just left it like that. left the thick silence to overtake the room.
the silence was unbearable, so, i left back to gus' room. he followed and lied next to me on his back. he lied and just stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. after he finished staring he turned and lied facing me. he moved my hair awake from my face and left a kiss on my forehead.
"what i'm tryna say is, let's take it by the day. i'm the one you want, not the one you tryna save." gus said.
"gus please." i mumbled. he grabbed me up and pulled my body into his.
"baby elijah." he whispered, putting his hand on my belly.
"you've gotten so big." he said. his hand still on
my stomach as he talked to our baby.
"daddy loves you eli." his hand stayed on my belly for another 15 minutes until he was uncomfortable.
