November 15th
Tragedy has struck the internet as rapper Lil Peep has been found dead on his tour bus. The police won't release any details but sources say that his death was caused from an accidental overdose. More on this story at 5 , back to you Saundra.
i lost it. my entire body hurt. i couldn't move. i had to get up but my body wouldn't let me. i needed to call liza. i needed to get up but i couldn't. i felt hot tears streaming down my face. i ached everywhere. my phone started ringing and i gained some strength to pick it up.
"dani did you hear what happened?!" austin's voice came through the phone.
"yes." i barely got out.
"i'm on my way home right now. justin is looking for plane tickets to liza."
i hung up instead of replying. i lied on the floor and wept. i had a feeling about this yesterday, i wish someone would've listened to me. god i hated myself. this is my fault. i could've saved him if i was on that tour. if i was there i could've stopped him. my life was falling apart. my phone was being blown up.
"dani?!" austin yelled which caused eli to wake up and start screaming.
"eli baby shhh." austin said picking him up.
"dani you need to get up." austin said. he sound far away and i knew i was having a panic attack. the front door opened and justin ran into the room.
"dani please get up." justin was crying.
"please." he said picking me up.
he sat us on his bed and we both cried in each other's arms. i couldn't do this without gus. i grabbed my phone and clicked on gus' name and it went straight to voicemail. i did it again. voicemail again
"god this has to be some sick joke. i can't do this." i sobbed calling him again.
"dani please." justin said taking the phone out my hand.
"i'm going to pack you some clothes. we have a flight in a couple hours." justin said.
"i need my baby." i cried.
austin gave eli to me and i just looked him in his eyes and saw nothing but gus. i held him close to me and he ended up going back to sleep. my heart was breaking in a million pieces know how he would know his dad. he wouldn't know the man that mad him. he wouldn't know a father.
an hour passed and tears were still falling down my face. the whole drive to the airport i stayed silent and just cried. i called liza when we got to the airport and told her we were coming to her. she was a wreck on the phone. her voice sounded so frail and just broken.
the flight was painfully long. i never once have felt constant pain like this. my entire existence right now felt so meaningless. if it wasn't for eli i don't know what i'd do without gus. i'd be stuck in a constant loop of straight depression. and i know what i've said but i truly was in love with him. no one will ever amount to the love i had for him.
once we got to liza's i gave her the longest hug and we both cried hard. i saw everyone, jazz, bexey, dylan, jerick, ben, adam, chris and oskar. no one except oskar would look at me. the only person who said something to me was oskar. he hugged me and thanked me for coming.
i was broken and now the people i was closest to hated me. they think it's my fault. i don't disagree with them. i should've been there for gus. i didn't think we'd end up in this position.
"okay everyone thank you for coming. everyone here meant a lot to my son and i'm glad you're all here. we all need to come together in a time like this." liza said. she was looking at the group of people staring daggers into me.
i didn't understand it. they all were supposed to be family. i guess i put it on myself. i left gus alone when he needed me the most but what other choice did i have. he cheated on me. he left me for someone else and she's not even here right now.
"where's arzaylea?" i whispered to liza.
"she won't answer anyone calls or texts. she decided not to come i guess." liza said.
we all sat around not saying very much. it was an awful day. the whole room just felt like so much sadness. you could just walk in the room and feel your heart break.
liza wouldn't put eli down. she held onto him the entire night. we tried getting her to sleep for a little but she wanted to stay up with eli. we didn't argue much. we were all too exhausted to argue with her. we knew she was hurting and if this is what made her feel better i wasn't going to take it from her.
this was going to be a hard process for her and i could never imagine what she's going through. a mother should never have to bury her child. a mother should never have to witness her child dying. i just wish the grieving process won't be too rough on her because she's such a kind soul.
