Finding Jemima

So many questions

JEMIMA POV

I sat on the plane as we waited for it take off, I was a bundle of mixed emotions.  I was off to live with my older brother and the harshness of the reality had begun to set in. My brother and I used to be close, really close he was four years older than me and I used to idolise him. Our father had left when I was four and he was eight, there had been years of problems before he actually finally left, and I guess that the years of listening to them argue at night had some how bonded us as close as two siblings could be, Matty always took care of me from a young age, when our mum was locked away in her room crying he would be the one to take care of me, which was often.

To be honest I'm not sure I remember much about my dad, I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a crowd, but I remember the yelling and screaming vividly, his booming voice was not one I was likely to ever forget, even though I was young at the time. When things got bad Matty used to bring me into his room at night and we would hide under the covers together.  I remember he used to hold on to me so tight and cover my ears to lessen the sound and sing to me to keep me calm.  As I sat and remembered those times I smiled at the memory of how close we had been, how protective if not over protective of me he had become over the years, he was like a little mini dad to me even though he was only a kid himself.  He was the one that would prepare me food when mum and dad were too busy arguing to remember to feed us, he was the one who used to give me a bath, tuck me in at night reading me a bedtime story, he would get me dressed and ready for nursery making my sandwich for me and he did it all without being asked to. I remembered how much I loved and idolised him back then, he used to call me his 'little Jem'.  I smiled again at the memory, but then I was snapped back to my current reality, the brother I knew back then, was he even the same person I was going to meet the other end of my flight? Had he changed? Had we changed? Was our relationship now beyond fixable? So many questions rolled through my thoughts, as they had been doing since I found out he had custody of me now until I turned eighteen. 

  The past year had been tough, really tough.  I mean life had been tough for a while but this time it was different, mum had gotton sick a few years back, but over the last year I had watched her health deteriorate quickly.  My mother and I were no longer close at all but at the end of the day she was still my mother and watching her slowly fade before my eyes was hard.  Another set of emotions suddenly over took me and the happy memory of my brother quickly evaporated from my thoughts.  I felt the grief, anger and sadness rising up in me.  It must have been obvious on my face as the stewardess was suddenly knelt beside me offering me water and asking if I was ok.  I had briefly chatted with her when I boarded as my brother must have made arrangements or paid extra for them to keep an eye on me during the long haul flight, I was handed over to this chirpy woman at the plane door, at my age I didn't think it was a compulsory thing or even an optional requirement so Matty must have insisted, maybe he was scared I was going to leg it before actually arriving, nevertheless I was slightly pissed at being treated like a little kid, I was fifteen nearly sixteen for Christ sake. But she had seemed pleasant enough and had shown me to my seat then we talked briefly about how I was going to live with my brother and how I hadn't actually seen him in the flesh for eight years.  Had it really been eight years I thought to myself as I was telling her, in reality it was nearly nine.

  I told her I was just a bit nervous and she smiled reassuringly before getting up and carry on with what she was doing.  I went back to my thoughts but I couldn't shake how angry I felt. Was I angry at the situation? Was I still angry with my brother? I felt so alone and confused in that moment, I hadn't even noticed we were now in the air.  I flicked through the in flight entertainment, but my mind was too distracted to settle on anything. Geez this is going to be a loooong ass flight I thought to myself, resigning to the fact that I was not going to be able to focus on anything long enough to enjoy it I switched off the TV set and sprawled myself across the empty seats beside me. I was thankful that the flight was not busy and I could at least spread out a little.  A whole day on a bloody plane I whined to myself internally, what the fuck was I supposed to do for a whole day of flying!  We had to stop off briefly half way, but then it would be straight back on the plane for the second half of the journey.  I'd never flown before, the furthest I had been away from London was Brighton beach and on the Eurostar on a French trip with school! I got my self a little bit more comfortable and decided to try the radio stations but as I put my head phones on and switched the entertainment system back on a familiar song was blaring out.   My brothers song, rather my brothers bands song, I grunted and switched it off again, I was going to have to deal with him soon enough I didn't need to hear him right now.