Time for honesty

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JEMIMA

I lay on the bed snuggled up to Matty.  We hadn't said much more to each other, but just having him close made me feel safer, like he used to make me feel when we were younger. I couldn't believe it was only my second day here and Matty had found out already, I thought I would have a little more time to prepare myself.  I was still in Felix's Nirvana hoodie and I was unbelievably hot.

"Your boiling Jem, why don't you put something cooler on. You don't have to hide anything anymore ok." Matty kindly told me.

I nodded in agreement, I wasn't comfortable about parading myself around for all to see when I had fresh bruises but the australian heat had finally got to me. Matty had told me that he and the boys were family now so I decided to try and throw myself into this, I needed to at least try and trust them, trust was something I didn't do easily.  I got up and pulled out a loose fitting T-shirt which my friend Peter had given me and some shorts. I walked off to the bathroom to change, I took off my choker necklace and pulled my hair up into a pony tale as well, no longer needing to hide behind them. When I came back Matty was still sat on the bed tapping his thumbs together, he looked up and patted the space next to him to join him so I did.  We heard a chorus of people leave and the front door close and all had gone quiet downstairs, I presumed they had called it quits on the welcome barbecue after Sandra had explained what was happening. I sat looking anywhere but at Matty, who I could see out of the corner of my eye was looking at the marks that were now exposed around my neck.

"You wanna talk about it my little Jem?" he eventually asked

"I'm not sure I can Matty, I'm not sure where I'd start." my voice had gone back to its extremely quiet unsure tone.

"The beginning"

"You really want to know all this? you can't un-hear it, most people would run a mile, I don't want that to happen with you, I've already lost you once."

"What did I say, nothing you can do or say is going to separate us again Jem not ever"

"Ok, but I don't know, there's so much to tell you, not just about this."

"What else is there Jem, I want to know it all, I want to help, I can't help if I don't know everything."

"I've done stuff I'm not proud of Matty, Tammy says It's like an escapism from Steve, from mum, from everything.  I don't know though, I think I'm just too broken, I'm damaged and sometimes I think I can't be fixed anymore." I waited for a response from Matty but he just squeezed my hand. I felt a wave of honesty hit me as well as a feeling of safety, Matty didn't look the same as when we were younger and I didn't know much about him but when I looked into his eyes it was my Matty looking back at me the same Matty that used to make me feel safe when we were young kids. "Matty, do you think some people are just born bad, like rotten from the inside? Steve says I am, that I'm just unlovable and that..."

"No Jem, I know that's not true, it can't be because I love you.  This isn't your fault Jem, it's Steve's."

"You love me?" I asked shocked at his casual words

"Of course Jem, always have, never stopped and never will.  And mum she loved you"

"I'm not too sure about that" Matty squeezed my hand again. Mum and I had not been close in a long time, she would often drunkenly tell me how much she hated and was disgusted by me.

"Jem did this all start before or after I left England?"

"Before" I ushered as the tears started to roll down my face again. I quickly wiped them away, I didn't like crying in front of people.

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