Finding Jemima

An Uncomfortable start

MATTY

She hadn't been here long and already I feel like I should have pushed mum for more information about Jem. Perhaps I was just being paranoid, she has just lost her mum and been yanked to the other side of the world, maybe it's just that, I tried to tell my self, but something just felt off. She was quiet, jumpy, in fact she flinched every time I touched her, she was beyond just a little bit shy, there was almost a look fear permanently plastered on her face like she was scared of something or of us! I ruffled my red hair to try and shake this off, I knew deep down that we were now strangers, we had to start from the beginning and rebuild our relationship. I just wanted to grab her and squeeze her tight like I used to. There was a sadness in her eyes now, and I couldn't really see my little Jem in them anymore, maybe I will over time. The reality that we weren't going to just pick up where we left off was hitting me hard. The realisation of just how little I knew about this frightened looked girl in front of me becoming a very real reality all of a sudden.

Max had suggested a tour, which was a good idea, better than all sitting around staring at the poor girl.  So I jumped up and held out my hand to Jem, realising she probably didn't want to hold it I went to move it away when I felt a small almost boney hand take hold of it and pull themselves up.  I turned my head looking over my shoulder and smiled at my sister, this could be a small breakthrough, it was a step in the right direction at the very least. I led her gently around the house while the boys pointed out the rooms, I stayed quiet and let them talk keeping hold of Jem's hand in a light grip, which to my surprise she let me, only occasionally tugging at her hoodie sleeves to pull them down lower to her hands.  I could feel she was boiling hot but I didn't want to bring up the hoodie again, it clearly belonged to someone she wanted to keep close.  At least when I came here I had our grandparents but Jem knew no one, not even me, not really, I was feeling very guilty looking at her trying to imagine how she must be feeling right now. We reached the room we had prepared for her and I led her in.  It was small but we could all still just about snuggly fit inside.

"This is your room" I finally piped up. I watched as she scanned the room, a small smile crept on her face. We had gone for a flowery type of decor.  Jem let out a small laugh.
"It's very floral" she giggled quietly
"Ummm...yeah. We didn't really know what you liked, so milo's mum said to go with flowers" I said uncomfortably.
"Ah I see.  It's...it's..very what's the word.. girly!" Jem said quietly still giggling.
"Your not a girly girl anymore are you?" I said also now giggling.
"What do you think" Jem said sarcastically pulling at her nirvana hoodie.
"I guess not" I replied simply "you can change it if you want".
"It's fine, it's better than what I had in England" Jem said softly still scanning the room with her eyes. The boys looked at each other then at me with questioning eyes, I had always told them how nice our house back in England was and been describing Jem's old room to them only this week when we were decorating, I gave my shoulders a little shrug. i hadn't been back to the house since I left, I guess I wouldn't know what it was like inside now. I once went back there when we on tour and stood outside on the opposite side of the road, hoping to catch a glimpse of my sister after my mum had turned up with out her when she came to see me, she never bought her with her when we met up, there was always an excuse, maybe Jem didn't want to see me, I stood pacing up and down for five hours until Tom came and found me to fetch me back as we were leaving to go to Manchester for a show. I almost walked across the road with Tom and knocked on the door when I saw Steve coming home, I'm sure he recognised me, he glared briefly across in our direction before calling my sisters name loudly and smirking at us shutting the door. Tom and I decided I'd probably end up in an argument with the idiot and that's not how I wanted to reunite with my sister so left without seeing her.

We all went down stairs, Jem seemed a little more relaxed now although she was still keeping her distance from us all, barely speaking above a whisper, scanning her environment now and then when she thought no one was looking.  I took her stuff up to her room and placed it on the bed.  I stood for a while just looking at the small amount she had bought with her, still confused by the word she had used earlier "allowed" I knew her luggage allowance was much more than
what I was looking at and when I booked the ticket I paid for extra allowance thinking a teenage girl would have loads of stuff for a permanent move. I ruffled my hair as I stood there looking at it perplexed, a habit I did when I was thinking or nervous.  I heard footsteps and turned towards the door to see Ed walking in.

"All right mate? Whatcha you doing?" Ed inquisitively asked.
"Is it just me or does this seem like a pitiful amount of luggage for a teenage girl whose just moved half way across the world?" I said letting Ed in on my thoughts.
Ed looked down at the bed at the very small scruffy child's sized my little pony suitcase that looked second hand and the small battered holdall that sat beside it.
"What? that's all she bought with her?" He exclaimed loudly. "I thought she had more stuff in the car!"
"Shhhh keep your voice down mate. Yeah that's it. Oh and her backpack. It's not a lot is it? I asked her about it and she said that's all she was allowed. That's an odd word to use right? I'm not like being paranoid or overly big brotherly?" I continued to voice what had been my internal monologue to Ed.
"Mate my mum brings that just for a weekend." He paused a moment before continuing clearly trying to gage the situation "she's very quiet isn't she? And what's with the winter gear?" He questioned referencing the giant hoodie She'd still yet to take off.
"Should I be concerned Ed?" I worriedly asked him really hoping that he would return with Nah she's fine mate. Before he could answer me Jem walked into the room.
"Is it alright if I get changed Mathew?" She quietly and nervously asked.
"Sure, we'll be down stairs. And you don't have to ask Jem, it's your room, just kick us out!" I told her going to put my hands on her shoulders, but she stepped back away from me defensively her back hitting the wall behind her harshly as she retreated, making her wince, the look of of utter fear once again returning to her face. I withdrew the gesture quickly, I looked at Ed who had also noticed her reaction, I smiled at her before leaving with Ed in hot pursuit.

Ed and I went down stairs to the others, I sat thinking, and wondered again about my mums words. Guilt rushed over me again at the thought of just how much I didn't know about the girl upstairs. I should know, I'm her big brother and there is clearly something she and my mum had been keeping from me. I can't blame them the distance between us was not one sided by all means but still I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to this 'hard time' stuff, and that maybe I wasn't the right person to deal with it, I was only nineteen nearly twenty, I suddenly really wanted my mum a feeling I hadn't felt in years.