Finding Jemima

The long drive home

JEMIMA

We got to Matty's car, and he placed my stuff in the boot.  We had not said another word to each other and you could cut the tension with a knife. He got in the drivers seat and I climbed into the front passenger seat placing my backpack by my feet. He glanced over at me before starting up the engine and gave a little giggle.

"This isn't England you know, its summer here, aren't you hot in that?" Gesturing towards the oversized Nivana fleece lined hoodie I was still wearing from the plane.

I shook my head, lying, I was boiling but the hoodie was Felix's and the smell of him was comforting so I didn't want to take it off, besides I only had a small sleeveless crop top on underneath and taking it off would be accompanied by a barrage of questions that I wasn't ready to answer yet.

"It's all going to be ok now. I've got you" Matty gently ushered at me. It was a phrase familiar to me, it's one he used to say to me when he held me at night under the bedcovers while our parents yelled at each other downstairs. I smiled at the reassuring phrase, Matty seems pleased with himself smiling back and placing a hand on my knee. The sweet moment between us was abruptly ended when I pulled my leg away from his hand pulling my legs up to my chest tucking them in as tight as I could wrapping my arms around them placing my head to my knees and rocking myself gently to try a sooth myself "Don't cry, don't cry, it's just Matty" I repeated over and over in my head as I could feel my eyes tearing up and the panic rising in me, it was an unpleasant but familiar feeling for me. I peeked up from my knees to see Matty staring at me worriedly. I ran my hands through my loose hair, trying to shake of the nerves, quickly wiped away the tears that were forming and settled into a comfy position my knees still tucked up tight and placed my seatbelt on, then glanced back at Matty who was still staring at me clearly confused and unsure of what he should say or do. I gave him a quick forced smile then gazed out of the window.

Matty started the engine and pulled away. The awkward silence continued in the car as we drove away from the airport. Matty tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and chewed on his lips as if he was trying desperately to think of something or anything to say. He went with the small talk option.
"You sleep on the plane over?"
I shook my head, he tapped his fingers again.
"Did ya eat?"
I shook my head again
"Hungry?"
I shook my head once more
"Hmm...we can get something later. The boys can't wait to meet you"
I didn't reply, instead I pulled the hood of my hoodie over my head and sat smelling the cuffs. My phone chimed in my pocket and I pulled it out to look at it.
"Steve?" Matty enquired, presuming he was checking I had landed and been picked up ok.  It wasn't, so I looked over and quietly whispered "no" then returned to looking at the phone screen.  It was in fact Felix texting to check I had arrived ok accompanied with a goofy picture, which made me smile.  I could see Matty trying to see what I was looking at so I hurriedly replied with a 'yep in the car' to which he instantly replied with a simple 'be bad ass x'.  This was our phrase we said to each other, we rarely said the whole mushy "I love you" thing, instead we simply said "be bad ass" and we both knew what it meant.  I locked the phone and put it back in my pocket before Matty could see what was on the screen. Last time I saw Matty I was six years old, I doubt the fact I might have a boyfriend now had even entered his thoughts.

We drove for a while longer in silence, then Matty simple asked "music?" Placing his hand on the stereo.  I loved music, so happily nodded yes shifting in my seat to face the stereo.  Matty seemed happy with my response and switched on the radio. I hummed along to familiar tunes, resisting the urge to sing along, my brother was a professional after all, and I didn't want to embarrass myself, even though back home I used to sing with my friends whenever we got the chance, we even had a couple of paid gigs, but still not professional rock star level, but I hadn't sung or played in months despite my friends constant badgering to do so, it's something I simply no longer did. Felix was in a band and I wondered if he would become famous like my brother, Matty was smiling at me as I hummed along.

"You like music then?" He asked surprised almost a relieved tone in his voice.
"Yep" I replied not making eye contact with him, my voice still as quiet as a small mouse.
"Cool, mum always said you didn't like music anymore." he replied, I didn't acknowledge his question so he continued "nirvana huh...good taste" he pointed to my hoodie.
"It's not mine, but yeah nirvana are good" I don't know why I had mentioned it wasn't my hoodie, it wasn't relevant to the question.  But music seemed common ground so we continued with the topic for the remainder of the journey, I don't think either of us wanted to return to the awkward silence.
"Green day?" Matty questioned
"Love um" I chirped still avoiding eye contact with my brother by staring out the window, keeping my voice quiet and deadpan.  This continued with him offering up band names, and me replying with single or sometimes a two word answer, but still not looking at my brother, it wasn't much but it was better than sitting in silence.

It was strange listening to Matty speak he had completely lost his London accent and gained a strong Aussie one, mine was clearly a common south london accent, it made us seem even less like siblings. The conversation eventually dried up, maybe Matty ran out of bands to name, but now there was a comforting silence, I had relaxed a bit and lowered my legs back to the footwell of the car.  The drive was a long one and I had no clue where we were actually going. Matty continually glanced over smiling at me.  I took that to mean he was genuinely pleased to see me, I hoped that that wouldn't wear off quickly once he got to know me again.  I know I had a lot of issues and quirks and I didn't know what he knew and what he didn't.  The last three years I had become a bit of a nightmare and I was fully aware of this but there was so much going on I needed the escapism of the party scene back home.  Although I have to say since Felix and I had got closer I had calmed down somewhat, although Felix was very much an enabler, maybe my wild side was just more focused. I didn't know how I was going to cope in this strange place I was now supposed to call home with people I didn't know.  As I sat glancing out the window and thoughts of Felix, England, my friends, my mum all came flooding back I felt the calmness leave me and I was once again a bundle of nerves, I sat fiddling with the bands and bracelets on my wrists, until Matty Merrily announced "We're home".