Finding Jemima

Just best friends

JEMIMA

I woke up still on Matty's lap on the sofa. The sound of a chorus of snoring coming from around the room. I surveyed my surroundings to see all my favourite boys scattered fast asleep, I checked the clock and it was one in the afternoon. I guess my sleepless nights had taken its toll on the whole house, or maybe it was just the amount of beer they had drunk the night before, either way looking at them all peaceful made me smile. I felt Matty stir underneath me.

"Jem, you ok?" He said huskily.

"Shhhhh" I held my finger to my lips and gestured towards the sleeping boys. I stood up slowly offering my hand out to Matty's, which he took and we tip toed out of the room.  We made our way to the garden and sat down on the grass.

"How ya doing kiddo?" He said as he stroked my hair. I shrugged looking up at the clouds rolling by. "Jem, talk to me. Tell me how your feeling?"

"I dunno...I just feel....numb I guess"

"Numb?"

"Yeah I feel numb most of the time to be honest, like I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel or act anymore. I guess I feel like there's a part of me missing, he's always going to be missing though isn't he?"

"The baby?" Matty asked and I nodded sadly looking anywhere but at Matty.

"I don't really know how to feel about that or how to deal with it. Sometimes I think if I start thinking about it all I might start crying and never stop, so I try not to think about it too much." Matty sat looking at me like he was trying to think of something to say. "It's ok, you don't have to say anything.....it's enough that your here"

"I'm always gonna be here Jem."

"Why do you still call me Jem?"

"I've always called you it. Why did you change it to Em?"

"He called me Jem, or he would say that I wasn't your little Jem anymore that I belonged to him, that I was his little Jem, I just couldn't stand anyone else calling me it, so I just dropped the 'j' and became Em" I hung my head and played with my fingers, I knew this was going to hurt him, it was probably one of the last things left of our childhood together.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I can stop"

"It's ok, I'm kinda getting used to again if I'm honest.  But only you can call me it ok. That's just for you and me, no one else can have it, not anymore." I glanced over at my brother who had a small smile on his face.  It was true I was starting to get used to Matty calling me it, every now and then it would catch me off guard and it would make my skin crawl, but over the last few weeks this had gotten better, maybe it was the way Matty said it, his tone, his tenderness when he said it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there"

"Your here now that's what matters from now on"

"Your so strong you know that right!"

"I don't feel strong"

"Well you are, and your gonna get stronger everyday.  You my little Jem are a survivor, and you are gonna do great things with your life. Your gonna prove him wrong, your gonna grab life by the fucking balls and run as far as you can with it."

"No WE are Matty, we are, together" I nudged his shoulder playfully. "So this band of yours, when do I get to see you play then, I mean properly"

"We've decided to delay the music thing for a while"

"Because of me" I sighed.

"No, sort of. We just want to get you settled, get you what was the phrase peter used 'match fit'"