Finding Jemima

When you cant speak sing

JEMIMA

I entered the studio quietly and closed the door behind me, the click of the door closing making all the boys turn and look at me, their happy faces quickly changed to concern when they saw it was me standing there with eyes that had obviously been crying. Their change in facial expressions making the sense of guilt wash back over me like a wave hitting the shore line.

Matty rose to his feet first "Jem? You ok? We're done here we can go home now, we were just letting you get some sleep."

I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came, I let out a groan of frustration clenching my fists in my hair, stomping my foot on the ground and closing my eyes tightly before opening them again to see Matty had come closer to me.

"It's ok Jem, come on let's go home." He walked past me placing his hand on the handle, before he could open it I hurriedly reached my hand out and gripped his free one. Matty snapped his head in my direction.  I shuffled on my feet and gazed down at the floor still holding onto Matty's hand. I looked up at him and shook my head, wiping away the tears forming in my eyes before they fell.  I let out large sigh and surveyed the room.  All eyes were on me in anticipation. I guided Matty back into the room and sat him on a stool. "Jem?" he asked confused, I looked around the room once more before clocking Matty's guitar, I walked over and picked it up, looking over at Matty for approval.

"Ummm...yeah...yeah...go ahead" he said a mixture of confusion, excitement and shock.

I took the guitar and pulled a stool to sit dead opposite Matty. I cleared my throat and shook my hands out to try and stop them shaking. I fumbled over some cords and let out another breathe to steady myself, then I began to sing a cover of a Katelyn Tarver song 'love me again' that had been rolling around in my head every time I looked at Matty recently. I looked up at Matty every now and then as I sang the lyrics directly into his gaze. As I sung the last lyrics my head fell and I placed my head in my hands and sobbed.  Matty crouched down taking the guitar from my lap and lowering my hands from my face and raising it to meet his tear filled eyes.

"My little Jem, I will always love you no matter what"

I flung myself into his arms, obviously taken aback by my sudden action he paused momentarily unsure of what he should do before reciprocating the embrace.  We both sobbed weeks of pent up emotion.  We broke away from the embrace bringing our selfs back to our feet.

"Bloody hell Em, Peter and Tammy weren't kidding when they said you could make grown men cry when you sing." Ed said half jokingly wiping a tear from his cheek.  I looked around the room to see all the boys eyes were red and tear filled.  I let out a half giggle and shrugged.  I walked back out of the room and packed up my things.  I put on my jacket, put on my backpack, clutched my therapy binder to my chest and walked over to the boys who were shuffling out of the studio, I handed Matty his hoodie back, he automatically held out his hand for me to hold, I instinctively stepped back curling my hand away before scrunching my face up and sighing before slowly taking Matty's hand as we walked out together. The drive home was pleasant and the boys chatted excitedly about their studio session, it made me smile to see them all happy.

"We need to here more music from Em though." Ed excitedly exclaimed

"I have a feeling that might have been just the tip of the iceberg eh sis" Matty grinned with pride. I shrugged, still holding my binder close to my chest thinking about the words it contained inside as the boys continued their banter.

"Didn't Tammy say you write your own stuff as well?" Milo asked, I nodded but with an expression that said not that well.

"Must run in the family" max contributed from the drivers seat

"Oh she so gets it from me" Matty smugly gloated. Which made me giggle. It wasn't long before we were back at the house.  The boys all jumped out of the car excitedly wrestling with each other into the house. I hung back looking at them.  I slowly followed the manic boys towards the house and inside.

"I'm ordering pizza to celebrate Em's first performance" Ed called out. They all sat around the kitchen counter waiting for food to arrive. I hesitantly lingered in the doorway listening to them.

"She still hasn't said anything, do we push it?" Milo asked cautiously

"I wish I had the answer boys....but maybe we should just follow her lead on this. We need to make her feel safe enough to let us back in, we can only do that together as a family with honesty, patience and a whole lot of unconditional love." Max wisely assured them, clocking me in the doorway. "That ok with you Em?" He tried to include me in the conversation. I nodded, max reached out his hand not moving from his stool, and I took it cautiously. He pulled me gently towards the counter so I was standing next to him then ushered me into his lap placing his arms around my waist to keep me steady "This ok?" He whispered in my ear. I nodded squeezing my hands in his and laying my head onto his shoulder. "It's good to have you back Em, I missed you" he whispered again. 

The door bell went and the boys got excited rushing to bring the food in apart from max who still sat with me on his lap, I found it strange that for once he was being the calm and sensible one, but I liked it. The boys all grabbed slices of pizza and started to shovel it into their mouths. A sat awkwardly, my stomach rumbled loudly at the smell of pizza, but food was the one thing I could control and I just couldn't bring myself to let go of it.

"Em you can let go you know?" Max quietly said, I looked at him with a puzzled look.  "Of the control, I've got you, you're not going to fall on my watch ok." He smiled a small smile taking another slice and biting it as he squeezed his hands on my boney hips. I looked down at Max's large hand on my body, realising I hadn't moved it away the whole time I had been sitting here, I felt safe in his arms again. I took hold of his other hand that was holding a half eaten slice of pizza and took a large bite, grinning at Max's amused face. "That's my girl" he ushered "you got this."
"We've got this." I whispered looking at all the boys who were all now smiling ear from ear watching me take bites out of Max's pizza.