Finding Jemima

Just as many questions

MATTY

I couldn't believe after all this time I was getting my little Jem back. I was a mixture of excitement and anxiety. It had been so long, Did she remember me I wondered. She was so young when I left I doubt she fully understood what was happening. Why did I leave it so long? I remembered her little face smiling at me and chasing me round the garden in the rain, she always loved the rain. I remember holding her so tight at night when she would cry her self to sleep listening to mum and dad scream at each other and the furniture being thrown around. It really had been a long time, I should have reached out sooner. I haven't actually even spoken to her yet, Steve never let me speak to her on the phone. I told Steve to give her my number in case I couldn't find her at the airport, I wonder if the dick actually gave it to her? he refused point blank to give me hers. Oh well the airline had mine, I reassured myself, she was old enough to travel alone, but I had made extra arrangements with the help of our management, telling the airline she was the relative of a member of midnight blue seemed to help.

I had this sudden realisation that my little Jem was fifteen now, wow. I'm the guardian of a teenager....I AM a teenager...no no I got this, I told myself. Mum had reached out just before she died and said she wanted me take on Jemima, I was confused as to why but there was a desperation in her voice that I somehow recognised from my early childhood still, so of course I said yes.  We had spoken a couple of times over the phone and I was planning on taking a trip to go see her before...I didn't make it, she died a week before I was due to fly out. I decided not to to go the funeral, I thought it was for the best, I didn't want to add to an already tense situation, besides Steve had pretty much told me not to show my face.

Mum had told me not to tell Steve or Jem about our arrangement for me to take on Jem, I was hesitant but had agreed, I wasn't going to argue with a dying person.  We had put everything in place so when she died I could just go ahead and bring Jemima here as quickly as possible. It hadn't been long since mum had died, everything was happening so fast I hadn't had time to stop and think about what was happening. She had told me that Jem was having a hard time, but she was light on the details, but I got the impression I was going to have my hands full.  That was a hard concept for me to grasp as the image of my little Jem I had in my head was this cute little bundle of energy that used to follow me everywhere.  I wondered what she was like now, and what mum had meant by 'hard time'.  I felt like I was being thrown in at the deep end, but it was my little Jem, I had to be here for her now, we were the only family we had now.  Dad never resurfaced after leaving, and as for Steve I never regarded him as family, did Jem? Was I yanking her from her step dad that she had known and loved for the last eleven years, was she going to resent me for doing this, did she even want to come live with me, I wondered if anyone had actually been bothered to ask her, or whether she would want to stay on after she turned eighteen, I hoped I would have longer than just a few years with her.

The boys have been great getting me through the last couple of weeks, even though my mum and I weren't exactly close, she was still my mum, and I felt guilty for not being there.  Of course I had run the whole Jem coming to live with us thing past them, but they didn't hesitate to say yes.  We were close, best buds, but in reality we had become more like family over the years...they were my brothers. Will Jem like them? I hoped so, they were good lads, but could be loud and rowdy at times, as could I.  They had helped me get Jem's room ready, it was a small room, more of a little office really. We had spent this week preparing for Jem's arrival, it was at this point that I realised I didn't know anything about her now. what did she like now? Several times this week I stood scratching my head trying to make a choice about what to get. Standing in the grocery store while the boys asked what food she likes so we can make her feel welcome and at home, I didn't know. Painting her room, what was her favourite colour now? I didn't know.  Last time I saw her she liked teddies and pink unicorns, collectively we decided against decorating the room with pink unicorns.

  Some of the boys mum's came over to help and were asking about girl stuff, did we need to get supplies for this that and the other, I hadn't got a bloody clue, and squirmed uncomfortably.  They told me I was going to have to get over my uncomfortableness and to defiantly stop calling it "girl stuff".  They took me to the store and showed me the basics of everything and we decided to air on the side of caution and stocked up the bathroom cupboards with a range of girl supplies. I was going to have to get used to this, Jem was my responsibility now and I had to be prepared for everything that was coming my way.  The mum's had got us a few books on raising a teenage girl I had flicked through them briefly and I had caught the boys reading them a few times, which made me smile, they were truly committed to doing this and I loved them for it. I had enrolled her in the local school, the mums had told me getting her into a steady routine might help the transition.  I was unsure but enrolled her anyway.  I wasn't sure long term what we would do, we had just done a tour and we were taking some time out to write new music and to settle Jem in.  I was grateful for this, but I couldn't help but think about when we would be back on the road or full time work, would Jem come with us? Would she want to? I guess she could do online schooling, or we could get a tutor to come on tour with us maybe? or she could stay behind with one of the boys mum's, I didn't like the idea of leaving her behind after I'd just got her back though, I decided to just wait and see it wasn't an urgent decision that needed to be made.

I kept looking at the clock and checking my phone, pacing round the house doing nothing in particular, it wasn't helping the time pass any quicker but I just couldn't sit still, much to boys annoyance.  I had been up since the early hours of this morning and hadn't slept at all last night. I just wanted her safe in my arms again, just like when we were kids.  The thought of what the first thing I was going to say to her popped into my head again, I still hadn't decided what was going to be appropriate.  I guess I just had to wait and see what felt right in the moment.  We agreed that it was best I went to pick her up on my own as to not overwhelm her with so many new faces. The words of my mother resonated in my mind again she had had "a hard time" what did she mean? I had pressed her for more details, but to no avail. She had given me small snippets more like instructions; to make sure she ate, to keep a close eye on her, to keep an eye on who she was hanging round with, not to put a lock on her door, this one stood out as a weird request. She had also told me that Jem wasn't sociable with strangers, which I also found odd as I remembered her talking to anybody and everybody when we were young, it was like she had verbal diarrhoea or something, I smiled and giggled to myself at the memory. She's fifteen, I mean fifteen year old girls are moody right? Maybe mum just meant she was a teenager now and was preparing me for it. But the one thing she said that stuck prominently in my mind was to watch for her 'coping strategies', when she said it I was like "what do you mean? What strategies? Coping with what?" It was like she was talking in a code that she presumed I understood, I didn't, maybe she was just rambling as she was pumped full of drugs towards the end? I think Steve must have come into the room or something as she quickly said goodbye and hung up on me.

I was snapped out of my internal dialogue by one of the boys chirping at me
"Matty, hadn't you'd better be making a move mate"
I looked at my phone
"Oh shit, I'm gonna be late" I rattled off as I grabbed my car keys and rushed out the door.