Finding Jemima

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JEMIMA

It had been over a month since we left the hospital, it felt like being back at square one with the boys, and I knew they felt the same way. As much as I wanted to curl up in their laps and have them tell me everything was going to be ok, especially Matty, I just couldn't. I was jumpy all the time and spent the majority of time on my own, eating anything other than a few mouthfuls was really hard, my slim frame was now even slimmer and I looked ill, I hardly slept and never in the floral room or my bed or any bed, I would catch cat naps here and there in random places, sometimes just on the floor in the corner of the living room. When I couldn't sleep or nightmares came at night I would distract myself with school work, then I would go into the kitchen and prepare breakfast for the boys leaving it on the counter with my pile of completed work ready for one of them to check. The majotity of the time I was gone back to a nook somewhere before they emerged for the day, on the occasions I was still in the kitchen, I would leave quietly after a few minutes not saying anything. In fact I had not spoken to the boys since we left the hospital, not one word.

It's not like I didn't want to talk to them, Every time I opened my mouth to speak nothing came out and I retreated, Matty had insisted I attend trauma councling on the recommendation from the hospital. Not just for the incident with Felix's band mates but for everything, dad, mum, Steve, Matty, my issues with food, my whole Sorry past was being dragged up to the surface. After the first session they decided I needed to go several times a week, did they think I was that screwed up? The doctor had also given Matty instructions and reading material to help with my eating as they were still concerned as I was loosing weight not gaining it like I was suppose to be doing. they prescribed me with sleeping pills to help me sleep, but I refused to take them. At first I was pissed about going to therapy, but now I quite liked it, in a weird sort of way. Matty drove me and waited in the waiting room for me. I liked the drive it was quiet apart from the usual music playing and I found it peaceful, it was also when I felt closest to Matty again, just the two of us , I hoped Matty knew this but he probably didn't.

Therapy was hard, especially as I wasn't speaking, but the therapist Cathy talked and I listened, she taught me mindfulness exercises and she would make me sit and write what was in my head. She would encourage me to show Matty what I had written, but I never did, I did keep them all though and put them into a binder, maybe one day. The topic of music popped up one session and she suggested that musicians found it easier to put their feeling into song form. This idea kind of stuck with me, and it played on my mind every time I would look at the boys. She was not allowed to discuss what had been said or written in the sessions with Matty without my permission, which I didn't give, I could tell this annoyed him immensely as he was desperate to know as he asked after every session. The whole incident the with Felix had hit him hard, he tried his best to hide it and act strong in front of me, but I could tell how much it had affected him, which made me feel even more guilty about the whole thing. I had heard him crying quite a few times when he thought I was asleep.

Another week passed and I was feeling vaguely positive today, and I didn't know why. As I walked towards the kitchen to clear up the breakfast things I could hear a familiar scene playing out, the boys were whisper arguing, I had got used to this, they would stop as soon as I entered the room, so I knew it was either about me or something they didn't want me to know. Today I decided to hang back and listen. I couldn't tell who was who from this distance with their hushed voices but could just about make out the conversation.

"Management are on our backs Matty"

"You don't think I know that"

"Why don't we just go for a few hours"

"I'm not leaving her on her own, no way"

"We don't want to leave her either Matty, your not the only one worried about her you know, we care about her too!"