Matt Espinosa Imagines

Imagine #24- Speaking Is An Anxiety

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.

Today in class, I had to give a speak in the auditorium. It was for a project and we had to do it for a class in front of the whole school. My school was not that big but I was very nervous about giving the speech. I had written it on a very important topic and I knew that I should believe in myself. Everything would be okay (Y/N), just loosen up a bit. 

"(Y/N), you are up next. Come up to the podium." My teacher said to me through the microphone. 

I walked up nervously with my paper and placed it down on the podium. I smoothed it out since it crinkled and that annoyed me. I bent down the microphone to my height and looked out at the crowd, I had trouble speaking in class let alone in front of the whole school. I scanned the room and my crush was sitting towards the front since he was in the class. He had given a great speech about our need to stay try to ourselves and do what we love. 

I started to speak and took a deep breath "Hi..hi, uhhh, my name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I p-personally have a problem with speaking in public but I have a very important matter I would like to bring up. Umm, about three-three years ago my father left our family because of troubles that had b-been going on..." my heart started to beat faster and I felt my anxiety rising. I pushed it to the back on my mind and focuses on delivering the speech. 

"But, soon after that things got worse. My OCD increased and made me more anxious about little imperfections. M-m-my friends would yell at me for always fixing a crooked pencil or a messy counter with one tiny stain. A lot of them started to fade away as I got more stressed. After that, I s-started to get-g-g-g-gget really b-b-bb-bb-ig..." I tried to go on but my head was screaming out in fear and I was having an anxiety attack again. I felt very surrounded, cold yet warm at the same time, I felt like I was suffocating, and it was painful. Some really rude girls started to laugh and a lot of the kids seemed to join. 

I noticed my crush wasn't laughing and looked sorry for me but I did not want his pity. Some of the teachers were almost giggling too.

I ran away from the podium after saying "I cannot do this if you are all going to make fun of me." My teacher tried to grab me but I ran down the hall into the bathroom. I took a few minutes to cool down and went back in to face the awful again. I hated that people made fun of me and treated me differently because I had some issues. 

I slowly walked back and heard his voice through the microphone. He already went, why was he up there? 

I peered through the door and he was at the podium with my paper. He was reading it perfectly and displaying all the emotion I put into it. 

"Anxiety attacks and OCD  scare me so much. I cannot control when they come or not  but I am learning they should not stop me from doing regular things. I am all just like you, except a little bit more mad. I have had messed up things happen but that will not effect how my future goes down. For all of those who have whispered because I sit alone most of the time, to those who make fun of me because I have my guard down, shame on you for thinking it was okay. Clearly none of you have had some of my experiences and realized how strong I am from all of it. You know nothing about me and how well I function. Stop being society's robots and start treating the different people like yourself. We could all use some moral support, especially me. Feeling like a physcopath and feeling alone makes this a lot harder to battle. I accepted who I was but can I say that I feel welcomed by all of you?" He finished off perfectly and people clapped. 

Some stood up and by then end it was almost a full standing ovation. He bowed and before exiting said " (Y/N) , is the one who is a true genius. She was brave enough to get up here with her fear of speaking in public and telling everyone some hard stuff of her personal life. Clap for that amazing girl not me." He pointed at me and ran over to me. 

He pulled me up onto the small stage and people applauded once again. We both went back to our seats. As the rest of the people gave their stereotypical change the world, do better and not drugs, I could not think about how he did that for me. Why would he do that? It was just any other speech about someone's problems. I felt really happy he would do such a thing for me. 

The assembly ended and most of us went to lunch. I walked over to my loner table and sat down in my seat which had the perfect view of everyone's table, even his. He was very popular. He was sweet, comical. smart, and a good guy. I could not blame people for liking him. I saw him get into line and I unpacked my lunch from home. I did not like their foods and I hated waiting in lines anyway. 

I took a bite out of my sandwich and opened up a bag of grapes. I sat looking down at my phone and just did some homework. I looked up and he was out of the line. He was walking with his group of friends with a Styrofoam tray in hand. My eyes moved back down to the Calculus homework in front of me. I spent a good five minutes working and then heard a rustle.

I thought someone without a seat was sitting with me but my crush was staring at me from right across the table. "Hi (Y/N)." He calmly said to me. "Oh hey, umm I never thanked you for reading my speech but  i-i-it meant a l-lot to me." I replied think I did not even show him any gratitude. 

"How long have you been sitting here?" I asked him. 

"About 8 minutes, I did not want to disturb your peace. You looked a lot more relaxed when you are concentrating alone. I liked how serene you looked." He answered back. 

"Sorry, for having you sit here quiet for so long, you can go sit with your friends, I do not mind." I informed him. 

"No, I want to hear more about your speech. Before it I knew you had OCD and anxiety attacks and anxiety but I wanted to hear the more in depth parts of it. What makes you extra OCD, do certain people make you more anxious, you know..." He started to trail off.

"Well thank you for caring, it means a lot somebody considers my problems. I have a thing with objects being perfectly straight, if things are not in a clarified order I do get upset very fast, and I wash my hands a lot because I really do not like the thought of germs. It makes me cringe. And there is that group of girls who were rough on me even before everything started. They just add stress because they are insensitive about what might be happening on the inside." I replied back to him. My stuttering was not as bad and I felt more comfortable with him right now. 

"Which girls (Y/N)?" I liked when he said my name, he voice made it sound perfect. 

"Those ones." I pointed at a smaller group across the cafeteria. 

"They can be brats, sorry they bother you so much because I know it is not right to do that to a sweet and pretty girl like you." 

I started to blush and the bell rang. He said goodbye and I went to my next class. The rest of the day was normal and I walked over to my bus. He was on the same one as me but he sat in the back with his friend Carter. I just put in my music and blocked out everything else.

I got off the stop and walked into my house. I went upstairs to my room and the dog was lying on my bed, I cuddled with her for awhile and then started to do more work. I did not have much left but talking to him caused a little more than usual. Not that I minded, I would take ten times more homework to talk to him again at lunch.

2 hours later, my mom still had not come home yet and I heard the doorbell. I ran down the stairs and looked outside. 

He was standing at my door...