My Heaven And My Hell

Life Is Pain 10/1/2000

Who dares to love forever
Oh, when love must die?
But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
-Queen

Jenny's POV
I wake with my head resting on Nikki's chest. I lay still and listen to the beating of his heart and the sound of his breathing. The baby begins to fuss I crawl out of bed and hurry to her crib. I pick her up to sooth her. I place her back in her crib long enough to change her. Then I take her back to bed to nurse her. Nikki rolls against me cudddling me from behind.
"Jenny can I ask you something personal?" He kisses my shoulder softly.
"Yeah" I murmur.
"Baby what happened to your husband?" I stiffen against him and the baby whimpers scensing my disstress. "If you don't want to talk about it" I cut him off.
"No it's ok." I sit up and switch Mary to my other breast. "You should know the reasons for my bad moments, especially if you're gonna hang around." He sat up with me and put his arm around me.
"He had been acting erratic for months."I begin slowly. "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kinda thing it was rough." I close my eyes remembering. "The day he died started sweet. Lizzy had woke up crying interrupting a little morning Loving." I laugh sadly. "We spent the morning cuddled up with our baby." I pause and cuddle Mary. "By the afternoon he had become angry and confused. He made no sense. I had him for moment. I asked him what's wrong and he answered I don't know. Then he began ranting again." Nikki pulled me closer cuddling both me and Mary. "If I had know his guns were out I would have tried to keep him out of the bedroom. I followed him to our room."
"Where were your kids?"
"In their rooms where I sent them." I feel the tears threatening to fall. "Once he picked up his 44mag I placed myself at the door. I have never been afraid that he would hurt us, but he wasn't himself. I tried to talk him down. He wouldn't even let me touch him. Nikki I looked down for just a moment to gather myself. I looked up and told him I love you. The gun went off then." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I can't talk anymore." He gently pushes my hair behind my ears.
"It's ok you share only what you can and only when you can. That's some rough shit to deal with." We sit quietly for awhile and cuddle.
I sigh and kiss him tenderly hoping to take the sting out of my next words.
"You need to get out my bed. My kids will be up soon I'm don't want them to see us this way." I pull away and look for my clothes. Once we're decent he gives me a kiss and gently touches Mary's cheek.
"Hey Jenny I get it, you're momma first."
We make it to the kitchen just in time for my children to come wandering in rubbing their eyes and looking for food.
"Oh, you are here again." Charlie states matter a factly.
"Yes I guess I am." Nikki arches an eyebrow.
"I guess it's ok you don't seem to be a jerk." He sighs dramatically.
"Good to know." Nikki smirks.
"Momma I want cereal" Lizzy announces. "And I want to watch cartoons."
"I suppose you can eat your breakfast in the livingroom."
"Me too Momma." Charlie grins. I laugh to myself realizing he had put her up to it. I start to pull bowls and cups out of the cupboard one handed.
"I'll hold her Jenny." I smile as I let him take her.
"Thanks"
"No problem she's a sweetheart." I help them get their cereal and watch them settle down for Saturday morning cartoons. I start the coffee and turn to see Nikki cooing and making silly faces.
"Would you like anything for breakfast?" I smile at him and Mary.
"You don't have to."
"I'm gonna make it anyway I don't mind making extra."
After eating breakfast we sit across from each other making small talk and drinking coffee. Well only one cup for me the price of breastfeeding. I watch as he plays with my baby and I sigh. I can't see this going anywhere he's married. Oh but I want it to. He pushes his chair and comes around the table. Placing my baby in my arms he kisses me softly. From the livingroom I hear giggles. Nikki pulls away and Chuckles.
"I have to go." He kisses me again. I have to meet the band." I had a feeling I was gonna be hearing that a lot. As I walk him to the door and watch him leave. I thought of a saying I'd heard. In Life you have to be willing to take the sweet with the sour.