My Heaven And My Hell

Nikki's Secret

8/22/1999

We're playing at the All Sports Stadium in Oklahoma City. I'm feeling really good if you know what I mean. I'm on stage playing. I get close to the crowd and to the sea of faces. Looking down I think I see someone familiar. No way I'm thinking. I look again it is Jenny. Her eyes are wide and bright as she watches me on stage. I smirk at her and she blushes. She's with someone. He holds her possessively. I hope he's not a nut job like her first husband. I also wonder if I can get her alone. Watching out for her in crowd becomes a habit through the night. I watch her slowly get drunk. I think I even saw her take a hit off a joint. Not quite the little girl I remember nor is she the frightened Sad woman from a couple years ago. Life has a way of fucking with you and changing you. By the time I'm off the stage she's plastered. She close to the stage. Her guy friend has gone off to do something. I don't really give a fuck.

"Jenny!" I call her name. She wanders over. I signal the security to let her through. She gives me a drunken smile and hugs me. I hold her close as we walk to my bus. I'm afraid she might fall. I'm drunk and little stoned. She's wasted. I can smell the pot and alcohol on her.

"Who's the guy?" I ask.

"What guy?" She answers her words slurred. "Oh you mean John. He's a fuck. Hm not really good either."

I laugh. She cuddles close.

"Does he know that?" I smirk.

"Yes, but I doubt he knows he's not good at it. Cause he wouldn't be so damn cocky." She shrugs and giggles.

I snicker. She's sarcastic even bombed.

Before I pick her up and pack her onto my bus I check and see if Sam is about I don't want a fight with our drummer.

Laying her on my bunk I have a moment of guilt taking her drunk. She runs her fingertips down my chest and I forget my thoughts. Our lips meet and I feel sparks. She moves under me as I kiss and touch. Her hands stroke and caress. I kiss and suck her neck. She moans and opens her legs for me. I get my leather pants down I reach for a condom and struggle with it. I get impatient. Jenny is under me moaning and rubbing against me. I say fuck it. Pushing up her skirt I brush her lacey panties aside and take the plunge. Oh god she feels so good. She's still so tight. I thrust and she matches my moves. We're both so toasted our movements are sloppy and clumsy but it doesn't matter were getting there anyway. I'm trying to hold out for her I'm already so close. Her whole body tenses and I know she's cumming her pussy tightening around my cock. She shakes under me as I thrust deep and find my release. Collapsing on top her I bury my face against her neck. I don't want to admit it but I've kinda missed her.

She's passed out when I leave her to go find something to snort. I figured I'd get a fix before I take Jenny back to my hotel room. When I get back she's gone. I see some kid standing behind the barrier. He tells me some guy took her off my bus. I'm beyond pissed. How did he get passed security? I rush to the now almost empty parking lot to see a trashed out pick up speed off.

5/16/2005

My thoughts drift to the present. I sit in bed. Donna sleeps soundly beside me. I can't sleep.

When I saw Jenny on the beach with a baby. I was thinking she might be mine the timing was right. She was certain she knew who the father was. It was also clear to me Jenny didn't remember our time on the bus. So I didn't bring it up. I was enjoying our time we were having now together. I grew to love Mary it didn't matter whether she was mine or not. I figured I didn't need a test to make her my daughter. Neither Jenny or I thought he would cause problems or be able to he was obviously mentally ill. I can't believe an organization is using him as their poster boy. Jenny has money though and that always brings out the leaches.

I hate not telling Jenny I'm having Mary tested to see if she's mine. I'm afraid if she finds out I took advantage of her when she was wasted she will loose trust in me. It's not like me to be fearful. I don't want to loose her love. Our relationship seems so tenuous sometimes. I know my marriage is on the rocks. I'm sad over it. Sorry I hurt Donna. Sorry I hurt Jenny. The children always in the middle. I sigh.

I need Jenny to have faith in me that the cheater I've been is not the man I want to be. I'll know before the court date. If I am I will tell Jenny then.

Donna for the first time is on Jenny's side. She admitted she admires Jenny's ability to handle the horde. I think she knows the twins are mine. She's having selective hearing and she's decided she is on a need to know basis. Right now she just doesn't want to know.