My Heaven And My Hell

The Past Never Stays Buried part two 5/4/05

I arrived at my sister's house yesterday. She moaned about me taking time out of my busy life to come care for her. I just preceded to baby her anyway. She's not being a very good patient. Her husband is home after work, so 1 took a drive. Now I stand at my husband's grave. Kneeling down I clean away the grass encroaching on his headstone. I notice a piece of the chimes that hangs on a hook over his grave has fallen off. I pull a small pair of scissors and string out of my purse. I fix it and hang it back up. I wonder if his family knows he wasn't really crazy about chimes when they hung them. I on the other hand love them. Pulling out my cleaning supplies I begin to carefully clean his stone and to talk.

"Well hello Mr McCrey I know its not your birthday, but since I'm visiting my sister I thought I'd come early." I always ask my kids if they want to visit their dad's grave on his birthday. They used to want to, as they've grown the less they want to come. I'll ask again this year, but I won't make them. Nikki is going to be in town around the 13th. They prefer hanging out with a living father figure instead of visiting a grave. I don't know why I still feel obligated to do this. I could pay someone else. I sigh. He was a miserable bastard most of the time. My psychologist says I'm doing so much better. I've let go of my anniversary. She likes to remind me that I'm still letting him subjugate me. She thinks I might as well be kneeling at his feet when I'm at his grave to clean his stone. May 31th is the anniversary of his death and I fear it. I have to admit it to myself even though he has been dead for seven years I'm still afraid of his anger. When I finish I look up the sun is setting. I pack up, to leave.

Nikki's POV

I think things are going good no major emergencies. The kids helped clean up after take out tonight. Everyone has settled down for the evening. I look out the window letting my thoughts wander It so strange Sleeping in Jenny's room without her.

"Daddy Nikki?" Lizzy tugs on my shirt.

"What's you need sweety?" I answer.

"I want to watch a movie." She smiles.

"Which one?" I ask as I head to the living room.

"No not one of those." She says shaking her head.

"Then where?" I question.

"In mama's room in her trunk. It's her wedding movie. She lets me watch it." She says grinning.

"Ok lead the way." She just about bounces all the way up the stairs. Once she's in her mother's room She swings open the closet door. She stands back and waits. Apparently she can't open the trunk herself the latches are to stiff. I pop it open and she reaches for the DVD she wants. Turning the tv and player on she gently places the DVD in and presses play.

"I have to watch it in here it makes Charlie sad." She explains as she climbs onto the bed.
I sit and watch I'm curious I've never see a picture of Jenny's deceased husband before. Jenny doesn't keep any pictures of him out. She doesn't use his name anymore, neither do her kids. They all go by the name Grey in public she didn't change their birth certificate. Somehow she got the schools to go along with it. Safety reasons I guess. I don't understand it the kids paternal grandparents have visited here so it's not them she's worried about. I watch with Lizzy as the camera finds her father dark hair, green eyes, and over six foot. Jenny looks at him adoringly. Looking away from the tv I peek into the trunk. There are little keepsakes from her childhood a toy apple, a jar of shells and pretty stones, a stuffed plush puppy. I open a small photo album and find photos of her as a child. She was so tiny. I also find several diaries going all the way back to age 14. The ones during her marriage are tied together with a black ribbon. I pick up the one labeled 87 - 88 and hold it. I contemplate opening it I decide against it and I go to put it back. It wouldn't be right. Out of the diary falls a photo it's Jenny holding a baby. It's very tiny and premature. It's also postmortem. I just want to cry for her. Why did she lie? I can't be angry I'm just confused. I open the diary it falls open where the picture had been tuck in inside.

April 24 1988

It's been 4 days since I lost my baby son. I still don't know who pushed me or why. I just remember the pain. I didn't know I had a broken arm till after. I was to concentrated on the pain in my belly. They let me hold him for awhile, then they took him away. My Mama helped me pack up his baby things Now all I have is a photo and a box of ashes. I hadn't named him yet. I didn't want him to be just baby, so I named him Angelicus.

I put everything back the way I found it. I sit on the bed quietly. Lizzy leans against me and sighs as the video ends. Mama's so pretty in her dress. She slides off the bed and retrieves the disc. I help her put it away. Closing everything up I head back downstairs. I don't know how to feel.