My Heaven And My Hell

No Ones Innocent

I sit in my living room thinking of you
And the feelings I fear are coming true
And everything about you is wrong I know it
But I still taste you on my tongue
And I, still breathe you in my lungs
And I, wish I could stop breaking down
Wish I could love you out loud -Meatloaf

  Nikki's POV

The clock on the night stand says 10pm I sneak quietly through the bedroom to the bathroom. She is asleep or pretending to be. I tug off my clothes and step into the shower. I turn the water on as hot as I can take it. My mind is full of confusion. what do i want, i don't know. I do know she makes me feel good. She doesn't play games. Not once since I saw her again at the beach has she asked me for anything. I know she is struggling financially and emotionally with three kids to raise. I smile to myself Dinner with her and her kids was enjoyable. They are rambunctious, opinionated, and sarcastic just like their mother. But like her they are gentle, loving, and unselfish. I think I just about fell out of my chair when her son Charlie whispered in my ear that his Momma loves me. It made me feel so soft inside. Do I feel tbe same though I don't know I care for her. She's like my shelter from the storms. Our goodbye kiss was so sweet. I finish my shower. I grab a towel and dry off. Entering the bedroom I stop in the door way. I'm not sure what to do. She hasn't let me sleep with her for a long while now. Cheating with the drummer was a fuck up. She's been so cold to me. She says she wants to stay together. I'm not seeing it. I've been trying to make it up to her, then we found out she was pregnant and I've tried even harder. But then I saw Jenny. I was feeling lonely and she's warm and affectionate. When she laid her head on my shoulder at the beach, it made me feel so good. If Donna would just welcome me back I'd know what to do. We get to pick up my kids tomorrow maybe we could go to the beach or park. They are the most important people in my life it makes me smile to to think about them. I slip on a pair nightpants and walk to her side of the bed I reach to touch her cheek.
"Don't you dare touch me." She rolls away.
"Why?" I get a sick feeling that she knows about Jenny. Jenny doesn't need our shit she has enough to deal with.
"Why don't you go find your drummer." I know I don't have the right to be angry, but I am I choke it down not willing to take the bate. Not gonna play the villain to her suffering heroine tonight. Maybe if she wasn't being such a cold bitch I wouldn't need to find it somewhere else. I stock off to the den and to the couch I've been sleeping on. I grab a bottle Jack on the way hoping it will make it easier to sleep.

Jenny's POV

The kids are asleep and I have finally crawled into bed. I feel so alone even after so many years of sleeping by myself I'm still not use to it. Curling up I try to sleep, but it's not happening. I roll to my back my eyes are wide open. Could it be guilt? Maybe a little. I've never been in this situation before. My conscience says send him packing back to his wife. Well there's also the little voice that says what she don't know won't hurt her. And of course there's the part that just wants him to stay and be mine. I like the way he is with my kids. There are so many jerks out there. I just gave up on dating. There are other things like his drinking. I think he might be using. You don't live with a drug addict for seven years and not be able to see the signs. He hasn't show up here stoned. I'd have to tell him to get lost. I'm not committed, yet. I struggled with my husband for years with the drugs and infidelity. He was my husband, the father of my children. I never once broke my vovs. I loved him. I think I must wear a sign. (Hey, you look like a mistake. Come on over here baby.) Rolling to my tummy I groan. I wish he was here. I sigh this isn't getting me any sleep.