My Heaven And My Hell

Guilty feelings 3/3/2001

Jenny's POV

Nikki has been out of rehab for several weeks now. I haven't seen him in the flesh since his daughter was born just phone calls. I'm five months and really starting to show, so my pregnancy is no longer a secret. My children are happy about the baby and have told their friends. That means Nikki's children know. I feel so guilty am I wrong to love him. I miss him so much. I groan this is not getting any writing done. I try to concentrate its not happening. I sigh and I find myself wondering into the music room. I sit behind my harp and begin to play. It soothes me. I close my eyes and feel the music ease the tension in my body and mind. Finishing the song I slowly open my eyes.

Nikki stands leaning against the doorframe.
"That was beautiful Jenny." He says. He quickly moves farward and goes to his knees beside me. Reaching out I fall into his arms.
"I've missed you so much." I whisper. At that moment the baby desides to kick making us both laugh.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get away any sooner." He gently rubs my belly.
"You can't be in two places at once Nikki." I sigh and look away. "Maybe we shouldn't see each..."
"No I won't give you up." He says cutting me off. He smirks and changes the subject. "Who's the little blonde you were hanging with down town. They say you've gone lesbian."
"That would be my best friend Miranda I've known her since we were eight." I giggle. "And they would only be half right I'm bisexual."
"Really?" He arches an eyebrow.
"Did I forget to tell you?"
"Yes."
"Don't worry Mr. Sixx I'm not going to run off with some hot chick."
"Good to know." He Says softly and pulls me close for a kiss. I should be sending him packing back to his wife, but I just can't.

Mary chooses that moment to wake from her nap. Nikki follows me into my room then joins me on the bed while I nurse her. He holds her little hand and smiles.
"What happened to her sperm donor?" He gets serious.
"He's been committed. I don't know for how long?" I answer.
"It scares me that he might come back when I'm not here." He touches my cheek.
"Don't worry. I have a family friend named Noah English coming to visit. He's a very big guy." I smile. "I've known him since I was a little girl. He going to live in the guest house out back. I couldn't ask for a better body guard."
"When will he be here? Nikki asks.
"Next week." I answer. "Miranda will be here for a couple more weeks before she goes home. My mother and sister will be here in the beginning of June to be here for the birth. I'm not gonna be alone."
"I don't know about this Miranda chick." He grins.
"Ha Miranda is a happily married woman." I giggle then yawn.
"Are you getting enough rest?" He gives me a worried look.
"Yes Nikki. I'm resting, eating right, taking my vitamins, and exercising. This not my first rodeo." I smile.

Now that Mary is done nursing she desides Nikki is more interesting and quietly studies his face.
"What's you looking at little girl?" He talks softly to her. She reaches up and pats his cheek...

Miranda clears her throut announcing her presence. She goes from being starstruck to being pissed in 60 seconds.
"Hi Miranda this is..." She interrupts my introduction.
"So you're here playing house with my girl." She states in a cold voice. "Maybe have sex then disappear. Leave her crying again."
"Miranda please don't it's not like that." I say Trying to avoid an argument.
"He's just a user and a prick." She continues. I place my hand on Nikki's arm trying to calm him. Pulling away he gets off the bed. He Picks up Mary before he heads out of the room focusing on her to keep his cool. I hear the doors to the music room open and close.

After talking to my friend I seek out Nikki in the music room. He and Mary sit at the piano picking out a major tune of discord. I sit and lean against him.
"I'm sorry." I take his hand in mine. "She shouldn't have said those things."
"Is she right Jenny?" He sighs "Do I just cause you pain?"
"No Nikki." I kiss him softly. "Seeing you at my door is one of the sweets in my life."
"What about when I walk out your door?" He whispers.
"I've learned in life with the sweet comes the sour." He pulls me close and I rest my head on his shoulder. I think of his wife his new daughter and the guilt almost overwhelms me. I love him. How am I supposed to let him go. Maybe just one more day just one more night, then I might find the strength to say goodbye.