My Heaven And My Hell

Covering The Pain12/17/2004

Nikki's POV

I'm on the phone in Jenny's office. I still need to keep the machine that is. Motley Crue moving forward. I'm also casually snooping on Jenny's mess of a deck. I smile at one of signs on the wall "If a cluttered deck is a sign of a cluttered mind. What is a clean deck a sign of?" I end my call and continue to carefully sift through her chaos. I see a familiar name Allen Kovac. She had reached out to him to help find management, so she could go back to what she loves, writing. It seems he took her as a client because it was something new to do. He's the friend I'd call to help and he didn't say a thing. I feel left out of the loop. I laugh as I continue. Once you study her deck you can see her order in her chaos. Her schedule is neat and reasonable everything planned around her and children's life. Looks like her usual I'm busy till I fall asleep schedule.

"Overwhelmed my ass." I mutter to myself "What's she really hiding?"

I'm going downstairs to get more coffee. I hear Jenny cry out it sounds like she's in pain. Rushing into the room I see her curled into a ball. Her eyes are wide and staring. I sit and gather her into my arms. I've seen this look before her nightmares are back.

"Jenny I'm here. Come back Little Love. That's not where you're at. You're safe." I Whisper holding her tightly and rocking her gently. She begins to cry quietly. I tip her head so I can see her eyes. "You didn't have to deal with this alone you could have called me. You could have called your family Jenny." I say softly as I wipe her tears away.

"I didn't want to burden anyone and some people think. I should be over it." She chokes out. I don't ask who I have good idea who. Her oldest brother. 0 It just makes me dislike him even more.

"You were doing well at least when we were together. Did something happen?" I ask as I stroke her back. She pulls herself together and slips out of my embrace. Leading the way she goes to her office.

"I was going through my fan mail about four months ago. I mean people send creepy shit sometimes." she says pulling out a vanilla envelope out of her deck. I take it from her. "oh god don't open it. I don't know how they got it Nikki, but it's a post morten photo of my husband taken at the funeral home." She whimpers and starts to cry again. I drop the thing on her desk and hug her close.

"What the fuck! Jenny I'm so sorry." I look down at it there's no return address. Who could be so cruel.

"I lost it. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't sleep. It had taken weeks before I wasn't seeing his death on repeat in head after he died and I was right there again." She whispers. "I just started taking the valium again so I could sleep. I thought I could handle it."

"Famous last words before we fall." I answer.

"I need to go back again don't I?" She asks.

"Do you mean rehab? I don't know do you?" I answer with a question.

"Yes," she answers simply and pulls away. "I need to make arrangements.

She sits at her desk and picks up her phone. The first call she makes is to Allen. I listen quietly to her as she speaks to him. She finally hangs up and laughs softly.

"He's already made reservations for me." She sighs. "He said he knew I'd come around. He was so casual about it you would think I was going to some 4 star hotel."

"Sounds like Kovac." I chuckle.

I go downstairs to the kitchen and leave her to speak with her parents alone. She comes down the stairs she's in an old pair of levis and t shirt.

"Nikki I need to go somewhere would you take me?" She asks sweetly. "I feel to sick to drive." She adds

"Sure where to?" I answer and smile.

"You'll see when we get there." She smirks.

That's how I find myself at a Stable visiting a dark bay horse and mini donkey.

"How did you end up with these two?" I ask. She giggles as she strokes the horse's neck.

"I went to a livestock sale last year with a friend. I saw them as I was helping her pick out a new Buck. She raises milk goats. They were really rough looking underfed and had some open sores. I felt bad for them so I brought them home." She smiles.

An older gentlemen comes around the corner and grins at Jenny. He looks at the little donkey.

"Are you ever gonna gild that little attitude on hooves." He huffs.

"Awe he's not that bad and I like my men a little cocky." She grins mischievously at him.

"If he was standard I wouldn't allow it." He says and rolls his eyes.

"I know Mr. Grady and I appreciate your patience with him." She winks.

If on cue the little beast sucks in a couple good breaths and brays loudly.

Shush Cas that's why I have to pay extra for your board." Jenny groans.

"And he tries to romance all the mares no matter their size." He rolls his eyes again and strolls away.

I can't stop laughing.

"A conversation that's been had before?" I ask.

"Yep, thanks for bringing me" she answers and smiles at me.

"Its good to see you smile Little girl." I say and sigh. Its feels really good to have her smile at me once again.