My Heaven And My Hell

Alone 7/30/05

It happened slowly at first but Jenny has completely shut me out again. At first it was I don't feel well. When I tried to stay the night it was I'm to busy. I have a deadline to meet. She started asking when my next tour would begin. She was still being gentle then. I guess I wasn't getting the hint fast enough because eventually she became ice cold. I feel like she's ripped out my heart. Maybe she got tired of waiting for me and finally gave up. I guess I can't blame her. It doesn't make it hurt less. I've tried to talk to her. Apparently if it isn't about the kids she has nothing to say to me. When I call I get Charlie. He apologizes and asks if I want to speak with Mary and Elisa. When I was still at home if I showed up she would hide in her office. She was busy. I'm depressed and angry. I really thought the girl loved me. At least She still lets me see the kids when I want.

Donna on other hand has been over the moon happy. She has been at her sweetest since Jenny has kicked me aside. I ruined my marriage for Jenny. I sigh. I guess I can't lay that all at her door. I'd already fucked up before her. I laugh sarcastically. I guess Donna is willing to give me another chance. I don't know if I want it. I've seen her nastier side.

I'm confused we were separated before when I went back to my wife. She was sad and distant kinda cold. This time just seems worse and more final.

Fuck this I don't have time to mope. I got a show to play. I finish up my makeup for tonight and try to forget.

Jenny's POV

I miss him. It was painful to push him away. It wasn't just what she's holding over my head. I'm not that shallow. I'm just tired of her shit. Tired of waiting for a man that is holding so tightly to another. If he had left her it wouldn't have mattered to me, let her splatter the mud. I just didn't what to suffer for something that wasn't going to last.

There are still so much I need to get rid of. I gave the clothes he left over here to him the the last time he visited. There is still his dining chair and his chair in the living room. I just locked up his room. I'm not ready yet.

The tears still fall often at night when I'm alone. I can't help it. He still calls and asks for me sometimes but if it isn't something about the kids. I won't speak with him. I'm afraid I'll give in and soften. I try never to touch it makes me ache for him. I can't be around him and not want him. When he's near me I want to love him always.