Marvel Oneshots And Crack

How To Spot A Super Soldier

Tony Stark POV

"Hey guys. I found this little book my dad saved. Apparently he and Peggy wrote it."

Steve pipes up immediately. "Really? What's it about?"

I dramatically read the title. "How To Spot A Super Soldier."

Natasha snickers. Thor guffaws in his loud way, fist slamming on the table. Bruce and Clint chuckle. Wait, where did Clint come from?

I read the first page. "First sign of a super soldier. They randomly fall asleep in odd places, for hours at a time."

Steve immediately shakes his head in denial. "I have never done that here."

Thor bursts into snorts of mirth. "You hit your head once and ended up snoring on my shoulder."

"In my defense, I had a concussion and was very out of things."

"What about yesterday, Steve?"

Natasha smirks at him. "You were talking and then you trailed off and laid your head down right on the table and began snoring."

"I wasn't snoring!"

"Yeah you were!"

Steve stubbornly rolls his eyes. "Fine. I snored a little."

Bruce pipes in. "Your metabolism is so high that you can go a long time without sleep. But then you'll suddenly crash and get very tired. Your body has to knock you out to heal you."

Steve blinks at Bruce. "How do you know all that?"

The scientist grins. I smile myself. Bruce is in a good mood. That's a relief. "I'm a doctor, Steve. I figured it out when you kept falling asleep at random."

I flip the page. "Sign number two. They have a ridiculous appetite."

Raising an eyebrow, I look over the top of the book at Thor and Steve. "Really, these could apply to both of you."

Steve sighs with a little smile. "I can't deny that one. It makes me feel like such a glutton, eating so much that others could have."

Oh...right. This guy grew up in the Great Depression. He knows what it's like to be hungry.

Thor frowns in sympathy. "I have never experienced poverty, my friend, but I can imagine it was not pleasant."

I think of my days in Afghanistan. Weakening by the day, meager rations and Yinsen the only things keeping me on my feet.

Everyone goes silent. We all know how hunger feels.

Clearing my throat, I move onto number three. "Sign numero trés: they are very clumsy."

"Howard's just taking the mickey out of me at this point."

Steve chuckles as he stands up, stumbling over his own feet. Natasha giggles at Elderly Steve.

The blond runs into a wall near the entrance of the kitchen before dropping whatever he's holding. Nope, not clumsy at all.

"Sign numero cuatro. They are always picking fights."

"Oh come on! He's definitely taking the mickey now. I don't pick fights, I finish them!"

I blink in surprise. "How did he hear that from another room?"

"Heightened senses. It's a pain in the ass, but sometimes it comes in handy."

Natasha yells, "Language!"

"You wanna go, Romanoff?"

"Let's do it!"

Natasha runs to the kitchen, where she and Capsicle pretend to fight.

"Sign numero cinco. They can take on twenty guys at once but can't talk to a woman."

Something slams in the kitchen. "Really, Stark?!"

"Which Stark are you talking about? I didn't write this, Ken Doll. And did you just slam something in my kitchen? If you break it, you bought it."

"I accidentally dropped the potatoes because the stove made weird noises."

"Steve, that's the timer."

"Wha...wait. They're...in the stove now? Where's the timer?!"

"Oh, Steve. It's here. See?"

"I still don't get it..so I just press those buttons?"

"Yup. And when it goes off, you press cancel."

"That seems like too much work for a timer."

"Maybe for you. Technology has advanced a lot."

"No! You can't use those potatoes! There might be germs on them!"

"I washed them off!"

I turn to face the kitchen, smirking at Capsicle. "Signez le numéro six. They have major anger issues!"

"Steve! You can't crush a potato with your fist just because it won't peel!"

Thor is laughing into his hair. "Better potatoes then human heads!"

I give him a concerned look. "Do I wamt to know?"

Thor shakes his head. "No, Man of Iron, you do not."