Marvel Oneshots And Crack

Iron Man~Sleep Is For The Weak

Yeet. This will be sad. It takes place in Iron Man 2. Don't yeet me.
I had Endgame spoiled for me. I don't really want to talk about it.
Pepper x Tony is here because it's so cute. They're cute together.
Warning, Tony has a potty mouth.

Tony Stark POV

"Sir, you've been working for eighty hours. In two hours, sleep deprivation will cause your body to collapse."

I throw a piece of metal behind me. "What time is it, JARVIS?"

"It is eight am, sir."

"Thanks. You're the real MBP. I mean MVP. Yeah. I think I should've married you instead of Pepper."

"We're already actually married. You did a marriage ceremony with me while drunk once."

Oh good Lord. Why is JARVIS reminding me of that? I stumble rather drunkenly upstairs. "And I called it off, remember? We don't speak of that."

"It was very amusing."

"I bet it was. But according to everyone else other than Pepper, it never happened so please don't mention it to anyone else."

"Will do, sir."

"Thanks so much. Hey, is there coffee left?"

"The coffee is out."

I swear under my breath as I wobble to the bedroom. Pepper is brushing her hair at her desk and humming. I'm about to say something awkward when my knees suddenly buckle, making me crash to the floor.

Pepper turns around in alarm, dropping her hairbrush. "Tony?!"

I quickly sit up, managing a smile. "My knees briefly stopped doing their job of holding me upright. Nothing to worry about, babe."

Pepper gives me a look. "You haven't slept in a long time."

"Yeah but I'm fine-euuuuuughhhaaay."

My body completely betrays me with a yawn. Pepper sighs and giggles. "Go to bed right now or I'll lock you in here."

I gulp and lay on our king size bed I built myself. "Yes, your Highness."

She leans over me, and I take my chance to kiss her on the cheek. She wrinkles her nose. "You need to brush your teeth."

I smile at her. "I love you too."

"I love you three."

I roll over, burying myself in blankets. "No fair. We didn't even do I love you one."

"I'll be back in a few hours. Just go to sleep, okay?"

Her hand ruffles my hair. The simple gesture pushes me into the abyss of rest.

~~~~~~~

Water is going up my nose and my throat. A rough hand pulls me out, letting me barely cough out water before plunging me back in again. My chest is burning, my throat is stinging, and my eyes are streaming.

"Tony...."

They're whispering my name. I try to throw them off.

"Tony...wake up! You were sleepwalking, man."

Rhodey? Wait....why is Rhodey here? Has he come to rescue me?

I mumble something and reach for him. "R-Rhodey?"

"TONY!"

My eyes open to see Rhodey above me in my blurry vision. My sore back lets me know I'm laying on the floor. "Rhodes? Why am I on the floor?"

He helps me up, me leaning on him more than I'd like to admit. "I think you had a nightmare and sleepwalked out of your bedroom."

"Dammit. I'll have to start locking the door. Maybe I should duct tape myself to the bed."

"You tried that once, remember?"

"Locking the door or duct tape?"

"Duct tape."

"Well, still worth a shot. Let's look for duct tape and a crowbar."

"Why a crowbar?"

I lean on the wall as I tear apart the bathroom for duct tape. Rhodey looks around my large and luxurious bathroom with a raised eyebrow. "To shove right up my ass, obviously, Rhodey."

Rhodey snickers and shakes his head. "Tony, I can't tell if you're serious or joking. Why would duct tape be in here?"

I find the duct tape buried under spare towels. "You're better off not knowing."

"Oh. Okay then."

Rhodey rests his arm on my head when I straighten back up. How offensive! I glare at him. "Just because I'm short doesn't mean I'm an arm rest!"

He snickers. "Short and angry."

I nod, crossing my arms. "Short, angry, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

He rolls his eyes. "Oh boy. I'll let you sleep. Do you have melatonin or anything?"

I sit on my bed. "No. I save it for Pepper. I'm uh...resistant to sleeping pills. And it doesn't go with palladium."

I'm lying, of course. I haven't trusted drugs since Afghanistan. And it's a bad idea to mix pills and alcohol. I mean, not that I stayed up late drinking or anything.

He nods. "I see. You have that chamomile tea, right?"

A familiar twinge goes through my chest. Ohhhh shit. I forgot to change out the palladium in my arc reactor. I could go downstairs right now to change it now and possibly pass out from exhaustion, or sleep an hour and risk a heart attack.

I lay down right on top of the bedspread. "Yeah. But I'd rather not drink anything before bed. Night, Rhodes."

Three hours later

I'm woken up by a horrible feeling of suffocation. JARVIS is yelling at me. In fact, he's making an alarm go off. "Sir, you are experiencing a minor heart attack. You have ten minutes to change your palladium."

I scramble out of bed. The world is tilting and swerving around me. "JARVIS, get Rhodey or Pepper up here."

"Sir, there is a spare palladium in the bathroom in the medicine cabinet."

I wheeze out, "Thank you, J-Jarvis. Thank you so much."

I fall to my knees, but that doesn't stop me from crawling to the bathroom.

It seems like a million years until I'm finally leaning against the bathroom sink, shaking fingers reaching towards the cabinet.

And then, I'm flat on the floor, hands empty. Footsteps pound into the vicinity. "TONY! Oh my God! What do you need?!"

I use everything left in me to sit up, on my elbows, and look up. Pepper is standing above me, looking terribly worried.

My voice is hoarse and weak. "Palladium...in the cabinet...arc reactor."

She tears apart the cabinets, pill bottles flying everywhere before she finds the slim rectangle of metal.

I take out my arc reactor and watch the smoke waft up in a tiny, single tendril. After ejecting the burnt piece of metal, I slide in the new one. She doesn't see the black flags of death on my chest, thankfully, because I don't take off my shirt.

Pepper is sobbing the entire time. "You've been putting that in your body?! You need to get to the hospital!"

I lean against Pepper, one hand on my chest. "I'm fine, Peps. Really. Let's just have a date tonight. Let's both just take a day off."

She sighs. "I'm CEO. I can't just lea-"

I stubbornly respond, "Yes you can. You deserve it."