Begging For His Love(EDITING) (COMPLETED)

Chapter Twenty Six

This chapter is dedicated to Bianca Beatrice Añis! I love you pango kahit palagi kang tuleg. Padayon, my future educator! I love you so much!!

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

I can't even count how many sympathy I have heard that I just answered with a nod. I have been hurt over and over again by every condolences they have for my daughter. Alam ko na wala namang may kasalanan ng nangyari pero hindi ko kayang makipag-plastikan sa kahit na kanino habang paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang mga pakikiramay nila. Hindi ko pa rin kasi tanggap, pakiramdam ko naging madaya sa akin ang kapalaran. Kung bakit sa dami ng kan'yang kukunin ay si Amirn pa? Bakit 'yung walang kamuwang muwang na bata pa ang mawawala sa akin? Ang daming bakit na hindi ko mahanapan ng sagot dahil alam kong puro sakit ang makukuha ko. I don't know where to start.

Ang gumising sa umaga ay isinusumpa ko dahil bawat umaga ay ipinapaalala lamang sa'kin na hindi pa ako patay para makasama kung nasaan man si Amirn. People would always say that waking up is a blessing but not for me. All I want is to sleep forever and never wake up.

"Ami, uminom ka muna ng tubig."

Maria make me hold the plastic bottle. I just stared at it and back on looking infront. I heard her sigh and got the bottle on my hands. She opened it and attached the lid of the bottle to my lower lip. She smiled a bit and nodded at me. I rolled my eyes at her and get the water on her hands.

"Drinking water helps maintain the balance of body fluids."

She sat beside me after saying those words. I know but even if I drink water everyday or every minute the sadness and emptyness that I'm feeling will never be gone. I can't even imagine that things would going to be this way. I never imagine that one day I can no longer be with my daughter. Amirn Grace is such a kind hearted girl who loves to be clingy and loves to be a makulit girl everytime we're together.

"Mamaya na darating 'yung punerarya para asikasuhin ang pagkuha kay Amirn."

Tears pooled in my eyes when I remember that this is the day that I don't want to happen. I didn't know na mas may isasakit pa pala ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko mula pagkabata hanggang kay Burnnon. I didn't know that giving my full trust to my husband will be hurt like this.

"Please be strong. I know that this is hard for you but Amillianza you still have us. Pupwede mo kaming sandalan at sabihan ng lahat ng hinanakit mo."

"How can I be strong if the only person that gives me strength died? Hindi ko kayang magpakatatag kapag wala si Amirn. Naiintindihan mo naman ako, Maria, hindi ba? kasi ang sakit sakit, sa bawat araw na nagdadaan para akong pinapatay ng sarili kong konsensya na kung sana hindi ako kumuha ng tubig ng hapong iyon ay baka nailigtas ko pa si Amirn. Kung sana...k-kung hindi ako nagtiwala ulit kay B-Burnnon baka kasama k-ko pa si A-Amirn."

Tears started to flow freely on my cheeks. My shoulder started to shake. Habang papalapit ang oras ng paglilibing kay Amirn ay para rin akong unti-unting pinapatay sa sakit. Hindi ko gusto itong pakiramdam na ito. Kung dati ay ayos lang kahit gaguhin at itrato akong basura ni Burnnon ngunit ngayon ay sobra na, napagtanto kong hindi ako naging mabuting ina sa aking anak. Kung sana noon pa lang ay hinayaan ko na si Burnnon ay hindi sana ako masasaktan nang ganito. If only I could turn back time,  hinding hindi ko na gagawin ang magmakaawang mahalin niya rin ako.

Someone held my shoulder and pulled me with him. I know that this isn't Maria because this person has a manly scent. I lifted my head only to see Louigie wearing his white button down shirt partnered with a knee ripped jeans and a white sneakers. He looked at me sadly. Mas lalo akong napa-iyak ng may mapagtanto. Para pa lang ako si Louigie, nagpapakabaliw at martyr sa taong walang pag-asang ako'y mahalin. If only I could see what might happen today sana una pa lang hindi ko na hinayaang mahulog ako ng sobrang lalim kay Burnnon. Kung sana ay may kakayahan akong makita ang pwedeng mangyari ay baka si Louigie ang pinakasalan ko at hindi si Burnnon. I regret everything now, from being a beggar from his love and now the death of my daughter. Sobra sobrang pagmamahal ang ibinigay ko ngunit bakit sakit ang nakuha ko? All I want is a complete family. Me, Burnnon, and Amirn. Is it wrong for me to gamble over and over again for love that I'm not really sure about? Is it wrong that I always forgive and forget every pain that Burnnon did to me? I didn't regret loving him. I regret lead everything to this. I let myself drown on the idea that maybe Burnnon will love me the way I loved him. 'Di bale ng hindi ako mahal at walang katuwang kay Amirn ang mahalaga ay hindi ako nasisira ng paunti-unti.