Moments with my First Love [UNDER REVISION]

MOMENT 1.2: How did my First Love found me? (English)

From being
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
into HIGHLY FAVORED.

I AM THE BLACK SHEEP IN OUR FAMILY— this is how I see myself. This is how I thought about who I am as a person. This is how I treated myself.

Mama used to tell me that before I was born, life was easy for our family. Both Mama and Papa had good jobs. They weren't rich, but they weren't poor either. They were financially stable. They even had a refrigerator, a car, and let me tell you, my brother drank only the best milk—'Promil or S-26.'

But when I was born, everything changed. Yes, the moment I came into this world, both Mama and Papa lost their jobs when the company they worked for went bankrupt. Mama had to pawn all her jewelry just to provide for us. From the expensive Promil milk, it became just regular milk. And because we were renting a place in Manila, things got even harder. Both of my parents were unemployed, and we still had to pay for rent, electricity, and water. That didn't even include our food and other necessities.

Growing up, I began to believe I was the unlucky one in our family. I saw how Mama had to borrow money from relatives and friends. I saw how Papa stayed up all night, working overtime just to get a little extra income. At a young age, I understood how hard life was. And whenever Mama or Papa got sick, I would secretly cry. I would slap my own face or punch the wall and my body, blaming myself for being born. I felt like I was the reason for their suffering. Because of me, our family would never experience comfort again.

There was also a time when I blamed God. I had prayed and begged for help, but nothing changed. That was when I saw Mama struggling to breathe because of asthma. She had no money for medicine, not even a nebulizer. And most painfully, there was nothing I could do.

I often thought about how I would die. I even tried cutting myself with a blade across my wrist, thinking that if I died, their lives would finally be better—my family's black sheep would be gone.

I thought of myself as the 𝗕𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗦𝗧 𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗞𝗘 of our family. 𝗜 𝗔𝗠 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗦𝗧 𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗞𝗘 in the world. Especially when I failed and got scolded, I saw myself as nothing but a mistake, like I never did anything right. Even the smallest achievements felt unappreciated. I thought I was worthless.

I wasn't an honor student in elementary school, but I tried harder in high school because I wanted attention from my parents. I remember my math teacher calling me "stupid and clueless" for getting a wrong answer during recitation. That really stuck with me, making me feel even more worthless. I was so angry that I almost slapped him, if not for my classmates stopping me.

My parents never knew about my mischief during that time. My grades were average, and they thought I was doing well. They had no idea where I was going, even though I only told them about school practices.

I was looking for attention, validation, and love everywhere. I was an attention seeker, almost obsessive, especially from those who made me feel special, those who seemed to care. But in the end, they all failed me because no one can fulfill promises, no matter how important you are to them. The mistake wasn't theirs, it was mine. I was so immature, so dramatic, so sensitive.

That was me, but it's far different from who I am now.

On April 15, 2013, Mama, Kuya, and I were excited to go to the mall, something we used to do whenever Papa would get paid. At that time, Papa was on a trip to Baguio, working as a personal driver for the top executives of a big company in Manila.