Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 5

Derek wasn't sure how many minutes passed by before Mark was standing in front of him. He hadn't even heard the door open. He looked up as Mark reached into the cabinet for two glasses and dug a bottle of scotch out of the freezer.

Mark didn't say a word as he sat down beside Derek and handed him his drink. Derek hadn't uttered a sound and just sat staring at nothing in particular. Mark didn't pressure his friend to talk, he just sat silently waiting until he was ready.

Addison had clued him in on her conversation with Meredith earlier that day. Mark knew Derek was in a load of crap...but just hoped his friend could see that for himself.

Derek finally spoke and when he did, his voice was barely above a whisper. "I screwed everything up Mark." He still wouldn't look at Mark, and seemed detached from the world. "It's just...I wanted to be chief before Ava was born. I wanted to do more than be a surgeon. I want to sit on the board...and oversee things and make hospital decisions...but I just don't know how to balance it all. I've been a lousy husband and a bad father and I don't...I don't even know how to fix it."

Mark was relieved Derek understood the intensity of his situation, but not sure what to say. Derek had always been the advice giver in their friendship. Mark was usually the one messing up. Things weren't always great with Addison. Being chief and having a wife was not easy, but somehow, they had worked it out. He wasn't sure how to say that to his friend.

"Derek, you know how to fix it. Figure out what's important to you and go with that. You have a great job...you have stability, you could never work again and be set for life financially...so just...have a family. Be happy." Derek shook his head taking a small sip of his drink.

"It's not...it's not that easy Mark. I'm just so confused. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I know I love Meredith, I know I don't ever want to loose her...but I can't explain what keeps me at the hospital at night when I know I should be home with her...I just, I don't know." Mark downed his own drink urging Derek to keep going.

Derek was never very open, and Mark was surprised, but glad at the opportunity to get a grasp on what the man was thinking. "You know that job offer from LA? I thought about accepting it for a few minutes. I was ready to just pick up and move my family to another state without a thought. I didn't even stop to think what Meredith would think...or how it would confuse Ava. I just...thought...I'd have the perfect job and a great family. How could I have done that? What kind of asshole does that? What kind of jerk misses his daughter's birthday party!?"

Derek was upset as he downed the rest of his drink and smashed it to the floor. Pieces of glass went everywhere and Mark thought about throwing his as well to make a point. He smirked as a thought popped into his head. "What kind of asshole sleeps with his best friends wife and then marries her?" His joking words got a slight smile from Derek before his face fell into a frown once again.

"Listen Derek. The way I see it...you have two choices. You can find Meredith and talk about this with her, even if you are confused, or you can sit here and throw things. You know she didn't go far with Ava. She's not at my house, so I'm betting she's either at Yang's, or at Stevens." Mark smirked again as he got up and sat his glass on the counter. "I'm betting money on Stevens, I'll come with you. Maybe Izzie's in a sexy nighty."

He was smiling down at Derek trying his best to get his friend up. Derek looked at him truly, for the first time that night and slowly got up from the floor. "You're married." He said, in a matter of fact way. "I know, but that never stopped me before." He was openly joking now, teasing Derek, and Derek couldn't help but chuckle softly, grabbing his coat before following Mark out the door.

Meredith and Ava were already "in bed" by the time Derek and Mark showed up at Izzie's. Ava was the only one actually asleep, content to have a "vacation" at her Aunt Izzie's.

Meredith laid with her until she fell asleep and then crept down the stairs unable to find sleep. Her and Izzie were sipping on tea in the kitchen when they heard the knock at the door.

Meredith looked at Izzie with a pained expression. "Please...just tell him I'm asleep. I can't talk to him right now...I need time to think." Meredith begged. She was emotionally drained and still felt sick, waiting for her stomach to revolt on her and spill it's contents.

"Fine I'll be the messenger. But you owe me, and you have to promise to talk to him tomorrow, I can't handle hovering Derek all day." Izzie wasn't surprised to see Mark standing next to Derek on the porch.

She took in Derek's hallowed appearance and instantly felt bad for him. Though she knew he had been a huge jerk, and would side with Meredith on just about anything, she couldn't help but feel sympathy for the man who was obviously in pain.

"Can I talk to her?" He asked, not even bothering to say hello to Izzie. His eyes were dull and lifeless and he barely looked her in the eyes when he spoke. When he finally did look up she saw pure desperation and she wished more than anything she could let him in. Mark stepped back, allowing Derek to talk with Izzie alone.

"I messed up. I know that. I just...I need to see her. To talk to her, and make sure she's ok." Izzie hesitated, knowing they needed to talk...and fix things...but knew she had to stay strong for Meredith.

"I'm sorry Derek, she's asleep upstairs with Ava. I don't think it's a good idea if you wake them up." Derek's face fell in disappointment. He knew Meredith wasn't asleep, he could tell by Izzie's hesitation.

"Please, just let me see her at least. She's my wife, and my daughter's there, you can't keep me away from them." He was begging now, a side Izzie had never really seen before. Izzie shook her head, knowing she could not give into Derek's sadness. "No...Derek, you both need time to cool off. She is upset, but she's ok. I'll make sure of that. Ava is ok, she thinks she's on vacation."

"No....I just...I need to see her." "Derek please. Take this advice. Talk to her tomorrow when you've both had time to think. It's for the better. I Promise." Derek stared down at the ground processing what she had said for a few minutes before replying. He finally nodded in agreement and said ok. Not because he wanted to, but because he knew it was best for Meredith and Ava.

"Just...can you please just tell her I'm sorry...and that I love her and Ava more than anything...please?" His voice was full of desperation and for the first time Izzie noticed Derek was clutching Ava's unicorn in his arms. "I'll tell them Derek."

She reached out for the stuffed animal and he gave it to her reluctantly, not really willing to give it up. "Ava left this...please give it to her...she can't...she can't sleep without it." His voice was so low she almost didn't hear it and she could have sworn she saw his eyes glisten. Derek walked away not saying a word.

Once Izzie had shut the door she walked back into the kitchen with the animal. Meredith was sobbing at the table having heard the conversation. Izzie went to put more water on the stove knowing it was going to be a long night