Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 7

Meredith walked into the house not even bothering to bring her bag in from the car. A tasty aroma wafted through the air causing her stomach to rumble in hunger. She had been too sick to her stomach to even think of food in the past few days. She assumed it was the mix of anxiety and sadness.

Suddenly, food sounded good as she heard Derek moving around in the kitchen. She walked in to find him deep into cooking. The table had been set and a bouquet of flowers sat in the center. She hadn't seen two adult places set in awhile...and it some how made her feel comforted.

"Oh," He said, turning around. "I didn't hear you come in!" His voice was cheerful and he seemed nothing like the sad broken man she had seen earlier. "What's all this?" She asked, trying to keep the annoyed sound out of her voice. "Well, in most cultures they call this dinner..."

He smirked at her, and she replied with a small smile that faded quickly. "I know what dinner is, I'm just shocked you still know your way around the kitchen.." Derek chuckled turning back to the stove. He noticed the snappish way she was speaking to him, but tried to shrug it off knowing she was still mad at him. She watched as he emptied the pasta with crab sauce into a large bowl. "I know we haven't eaten together in a few days, so I wanted to make you dinner..."

Meredith thought his words over for a second before moving to sit down at the small table. "Days Derek? Seriously? Try weeks." He sighed, knowing it was not going to be easy to get back into her good graces. Her served her some pasta and then kissed her on the fore head before replying..."I know, and I'm sorry. I don't want to fight, I want you to enjoy a good meal. You look exhausted." She made no motion to move and he got the hint and went to sit down beside her.

Noticing the hurt look on his face she picked at her food and took a few bites to please him. He stared at her and she did everything in her power to avoid his gaze. Finally she lost the battle and looked up at him and was instantly lost in his blue eyes. They were mixed with emotions and she had to turn away so not stare at them forever. "This is great pasta...thank you" She said, barely looking at him. He nodded and they both finished their meal in an awkward silence.

Derek kept quiet until he couldn't take it any more. "We really need to talk Meredith. I know I've been a real jerk lately, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you or Ava." She listened to his words, but couldn't get past the hurt she had felt in the past few weeks. "You were more than a jerk Derek. What concerns me is that it took me leaving for you to even notice. Is that what lengths I have to go to to get some attention?"

All the emotions were coming back to her now as she stood up from the table and brought her plate over to the sink. Derek followed her cautiously, not wanting to make her angry. "I don't want your apologies or excuses, I want a reason. I want to know what made you choose your job over your wife and daughter. Is our marriage that un-fulfilling that you need to spend all your time at the hospital?"

Derek cringed fearing this question. Their marriage was anything but boring and he was happy, but he really wasn't even sure of the answer.

"I...I don't even know what to tell you because I don't know even know." Derek watched her features as she processed the information. "I just...feel like something is missing at work. I came here to be chief, and I've excepted the fact that I wont be. But, I didn't reach my goal...and that bugs me. I wouldn't trade you or Ava for the world...but I just feel like I could do so much more at the hospital." He was praying she would understand, but he knew just by looking at her hurt face that she didn't.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she tried to hold them back. "Is that why you accepted a job in LA? Without even talking to me...you were just going to up and leave us?" Derek's eyes grew wide shocked at the fact that she knew about the job offer. Derek shook his head worry sinking in. He moved to be closer to her. "No Meredith, I never accepted it...I could never leave you like that..."

A few tears escaped down her cheeks and she looked devastated. "But...you thought about it?" Her voice was soft and barely above a whisper. He couldn't stand to see her so upset. "I saw the contract you signed on your desk...you know while I was waiting for you to show up..." She was getting angry again, releasing her built up frustrations. "I don't get it Derek...I just don't. I've been nothing but supportive of you. I've given you a beautiful daughter and let you in even when I want to push you away and it's still not enough for you..." He listened as she ranted knowing better than to interrupt her.

"I don't even know what you want anymore Derek! Is a chief position, alone in LA better than being here with your family?" Derek bridged the gap between them and moved to put his hand on her arm. "No Meredith. That's not it at all. I was going to talk to you about it, had I accepted it. But, I wanted to really think about it before I got you all worked up. I did think about it, seriously for a little...but with the intention of taking you and Ava with me. I would never have gone alone!" Meredith shot him a glare and stomped into the living room. He followed her like a lost puppy watching as she angrily picked up Ava's toys.

"So why did you turn it down Derek? Is it because you knew I wouldn't move there? You knew damn well I wouldn't pick up everything and leave Seattle at a moments notice. This is something people talk about...it doesn't get kept hidden under the rug. This is just one more thing that you can resent me and Ava for. Once again you don't get to be chief because your family holds you back!"

She was almost yelling now and he was getting annoyed with her tone of voice. She wasn't even hearing him out...just yelling and he wasn't sure what else to say to make it better.

"Just tell me Derek what I have to do to make you happy...for you to notice me?" She threw one of Ava's doll's at the wall watching as it's head smashed into the burgundy paint. Derek was shocked to see her angry and would have found it some what comical if it wasn't directed at him. "No wonder Addison slept with your best friend. Jesus, I never could get her motives until now. It was just her way of being noticed! I'm not her! I wont wait ten years...and I wont go sleeping with someone just for attention!"

Meredith knew she had hit a nerve. They never talked about Addison or Mark in that way anymore and the past usually stayed in the past. But for some reason Meredith had said it anyway. She could see anger flash in his eyes.

"Don't bring Addison into this Meredith. That's a really horrible thing for you to say. Don't you dare compare our marriage to that. I know you're not her, and I don't want you to be. I'm trying here Meredith. I don't know what else to say. I didn't try with Addison. But, I'm trying with you...doesn't that mean anything?"

Derek had raised her voice to match hers and it took Meredith by surprise. He still didn't get how bad he had already messed things up. She was getting frustrated waiting for him to come to the conclusion on his own. She sat down on the dark sofa in a huff and buried her head in her hands. "Honestly, at this point I don't know what you can do to fix this...I'm not even sure how much I trust you anymore."

Realizing how upset she looked he knelt down to sit in front of her and pulled her into his lap. He comforted her like he had held Ava a few nights before and was glad she was letting him do so. "I know.." He soothed softly. "And I promise...not matter what I will fix this. Last night...I was so scared. I don't ever want to loose you."

She was crying now...finally allowing him to see how broken she really was. She wanted to stay there forever and let him hold her, but she knew she had to stay strong.

After a few minutes she wiped the tears from her eyes and pulled away to face him. "I want to fix this...but we can't do it if you are doubting things...you need to be 100 percent in this family....and you're not." Meredith hesitated and he went to speak again but she covered his lips with her finger.

"I love you, and I think we can make it through this, but in order to do that...I think we need some time apart."

Derek's heart stopped at her words. He wasn't even sure he had heard her right. "Meredith?" He managed to get out...he begged her to look at him and when she did he saw pure hurt in them.

"What does this mean? What are you saying...?" He was visibly shaken...and Meredith suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over her. "I just...think we need time apart. We both need to think and we can't do that if all we do is fight. We need to figure out what to do...alone."

He was frantic now...and tried to pull her into his lap again but she moved away. "You...you want to be separated?" He could barely get the last word out and she hated seeing him so broken.

"Nothing official....Derek...just some time apart." He seemed to not even hear her as he shook his head. "No...we don't need to be apart, we need to be here working this out together. I love you...we can't get separated." He was begging and she tried her best not to give into him. She had never seen him so desperate.

All he could think of when he heard the word separated was Addison. They had separated and it was the end. There was no going back. He couldn't handle that...him and Meredith were nothing like that.

"No Derek...I'm sorry...but this is the only way I can think to fix this. You need to figure out what you want...and where your priorities are...and I can't do that for you..." She stood up and stood over him, struggling to keep from breaking down in tears.

"I'm going to pack some things for me and Ava...we'll stay at Izzie's. Realization finally dawned on him that she was serious and he got up in a rush to stop her. He stopped her before she could reach the stairs. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and she hated that she was doing this to him.

A heart wrenching sigh left Derek's lips and he stared at her deep in thought. He didn't want it, he wanted to refuse, to kick and scream and demand they worked through it together...but looking at her anguished features...he knew he had to do it for her. If there was any chance at all they could make it, it had to be on her terms.

"Meredith...you need to know that I am against this...but...if this is what it takes to fix this I'll do it. If this is what it takes to prove to you I am still in this marriage then I will do it." He softly grabbed her arms and pulled her into a deep hug. She wrapped her arms around him taking in his scent. "You shouldn't leave. I'll go...and stay at the trailer." He choked out, instantly thinking of his daughter. "She deserves to be happy...I don't want her to remember this ten years from now, I don't want her thinking this is a big deal.."

Meredith's heart melted at his concern for their daughter. This is why she fell in love with him, and she hoped he understood that this is why she had to do this as well. He pulled out of the hug and wiped the tears from his eyes. "We'll make it through this. I promise."

His words were raspy and almost a whisper. She instantly missed the feel of his strong arms around her. She leaned in to kiss him on the lips softly at first, and then slowly he slid his tongue in her mouth and allowed the kiss to deepen. It felt so good that neither wanted to stop but he pulled away and looked at her one last time. "I love you, please don't forget that.." His voice died out as he made his way up the steps to pack some things.

She called Cristina later that night from the balcony off of their master bedroom. No one answered, and she hung up the phone feeling more alone than ever before. The trailer stood less than 200 feet away from the house. She could see it perfectly from her position on the balcony. The lights were still on and she could see the dim outline of Derek sitting on the porch.

They had kept it, even after they had built their dream house on the land. Derek knew it would be useful for fishing, and Meredith wasn't ready to party with the memories it held. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she watched his dim silhouette in the moonlight. She knew he was most likely sitting there watching the house.

A hotel would have been more comfortable but was out of the question. He had to be close, he had to stay connected to his family. The unknown fate of their marriage rested in his hands...and she started off across the land wondering how it would all end up.