Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 75

"Did you like seeing your baby sisters?" Meredith whispered to Ava who was still curled up at her side. Derek had gone to check on a patient before he took Ava home for the night, so the two girls were left to cuddle.

"They liked seeing me!" Ava assured her mother. The TV was on, sounds of a Disney channel show were floating around the room but for once, Ava wanted nothing to do with the TV. Meredith couldn't hide her laughter.

"They did? Did they tell you that?"

"Cinderella smiled at me." Ava sat up so that she could look her mother in the eyes. Meredith's face was contorted in such a way that Ava knew her mother didn't believe her. "She really did, mommy. And Carawine did too."

"Caroline smiled too?" Meredith decided to humor her daughter, it was easier than explaining the babies' developmental milestones.

"They love me, right, mommy?" Ava's face was only inches from Meredith's almost like she had to make sure her mother was being honest with her.

"Of course they do. You're their big sister. You get to take care of them. Do you love them?"

"Of course." She repeated Meredith's words causing them both to laugh. Meredith couldn't get enough of Ava, and she pulled her even tighter against her side. Her incision from the surgery hurt, but she dealt with the pain in order to hold her daughter.

Ava's hands went to Meredith's hair and latched onto a long, wavy lock like she had done as an infant. Around and around her finger the piece of golden hair went and both girls were lulled into silence.

"You missed me?" Came Ava's tiny voice a few minutes later. It came out as more of a statement than a question. The 4 year old had not mastered the art of knowing the difference between the two yet.

Meredith's reply was instantaneous. "I did. Very much." Unconsciously, she had begun twirling a piece of Ava's hair around her own finger. "Did you miss me?"

"Very much." Ava repeated again in a meaningful voice that made Meredith's chest tighten with love. "When you come home will you play with me?"

"Sure I will."

"And you'll sleep in your bed with daddy?"

"Yeah, I can't wait to sleep in my bed."

"And...you won't lose me?" Meredith crinkled her nose in confusion.

"Lose you? How would I lose you?" Ava didn't have to pause to think, she knew exactly what she wanted to say.

"I'm in my new room. What if you can't find me?" Meredith wanted to joke and tell her she'd never lose her, but the way Ava's fingers had clamped around her hair told her it was a very real fear for the young girl.

"I know where your room is. It's your same room, remember? Aunt Addison just had it painted a different color."

"What if you forgot?" 'I could never forget.' Thought Meredith, but, didn't think it would satisfy her daughter's worried mind.

"Well, maybe daddy can show me when I get home just in case, would that be good?"

"Yeah." Ava nodded, but her voice betrayed her words. Looking down in concern, Meredith could see tears welling in the little girl's eyes and her face immediately softened.

"Ava? What is it? What's wrong?" Meredith's hands went to the girls soft hair to brush it away from her face in a comforting motion.

"I don't want to be lost." Tiny tears lost the will to hold themselves in and began trickling down her cheeks before Meredith could do anything to comfort her.

"Ava, you won't be lost. I'll be right there and so will daddy." Meredith didn't understand what Ava meant or what she was feeling, but her heart was slowly breaking, seeing the little girl so unhappy.

Nothing Meredith said seemed to work, because several minutes later Ava was still crying into her chest. The girl was clinging to her so hard that Meredith was sure she'd have marks the next day. She didn't care though, she'd do anything to make her daughter feel better.

"What happened?" Derek asked out of nowhere. Meredith hadn't even heard him come in, but he was by their side before she could think about it any further. His concerned eyes were trained on their daughter, but his words were directed at his wife.

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know. She was fine and then she kept asking if I would lose her when I got home. She thinks I won't be able to find her room. Has she said that before?"

"No..." Derek looked up at the ceiling and wracked his brain for any prior knowledge but he couldn't remember anything. "That doesn't make any sense. Let me try." It was usually Derek who could comfort the girl. It didn't offend Meredith, she was used to it.

The second Derek's hands reached for Ava's back, the girl let out a wail and clung even tighter to her mother. Ava's small hands wrapped securely around Meredith's neck, causing her to send a worried look to Derek.

"Ava, come here and talk to me. Tell me why you're upset."

"Nonono." Came her muffled cries from Meredith's chest. Meredith was making small comforting motions around Ava's back trying to soothe her all the while looking at Derek.

"I don't understand." He told her, a little taken back by Ava's behavior. It stung a little, and a part of his mind was jealous that she wanted no part of him. But, the thoughts seeped away with each passing second and he realized that Ava really hadn't spent all that much time with her mother in recent days.

"It's okay Ava...shhh..." Meredith tried, and Ava calmed down for a few seconds before starting up again.

"I haven't seen her like this in awhile." Derek had taken his usual seat next to the bed. His brows were furrowed still in confusion.

"She really was okay...I don't get the whole lost thing but...you said she was up late last night? Maybe she's tired?"

"Yeah...maybe." Derek's mind was already wondering if Meredith's hospital stay and the babies' birth had taken a toll on the girl. She had been happy and excited earlier, but maybe that was just a mask for her real worries. She was their daughter, it wouldn't shock him if she bottled her emotions up.

"I want mommy, I want mommy." Ava was still crying, and it was hurting Derek to watch. He didn't know what to say to make her feel better.

"Mommy is right here, Ava, I'm not going anywhere." He let Meredith handle it, not sure if his voice would cause her to cry even harder.

The couple stayed just like that for several minutes. Neither Meredith or Derek uttered a word unless it was to calm Ava. The glances they shared spoke more than words could anyway. Both of them shared the same fear. Maybe Ava wasn't okay with the babies after all.

All Meredith could do was hold her daughter and whisper soothing words in her ear. It took awhile, longer than either of them had suspected, but after almost half an hour Ava had cried herself to sleep and Derek stood up with a sigh.

"Did we do the wrong thing here? Maybe I jumped the gun with introducing her to the babies...should we have explained it better?" Their roles were reversed. For once Derek was the one speaking in worried rambles while Meredith just listened half amused.

"You're going to lose all your hair if you keep reaching for it like that." Meredith told him instead of commenting on his words. She was slightly worried, but, refused to accept that the excited child could go from loving her new sisters to being insanely jealous of them in a matter of hours.

Reacting to her words, Derek's hands instantly stopped their assault on his curly locks. "This doesn't worry you?" He asked with a little bit of shock to his voice. Ava stirred slightly, reminding him to keep his voice low.

"She's tired...she hasn't been home for any long period of time. She hasn't seen me...every routine we've managed to create out of the past insane year has been ruined. I'd be worried if she wasn't upset."

It wasn't often that Meredith got to be the one to comfort him. But, she fit into the role with ease and her words seemed to snap Derek out of whatever panic he had been in. His eyes were still dark with anxiety, but his face had softened.

"Do you think this whole thing was too hard on her?" He asked seriously, but in such a soft voice that she had to look at him to know what he was thinking. So many words went unsaid as they shared a silent glance. He didn't need to elaborate further on his question, they both knew he wasn't just talking about her pregnancy.

Watching the guilt creep across his features she thought for a minute about what she would say and then wasted no time in beginning to repair his crumbling ego. "I think if we had stayed on the path we were headed it would have destroyed her." She had to look away, as his face crumpled with the constant self loathing thoughts that she wasn't sure would ever leave him.

When she did speak again, her eyes remained trained at the floor, not able to take seeing him that way. "But, I think with all that has happened she has come out of it surprisingly well. She's still the happy, amazing kid she always was."

He approached the bed, his gaze never leaving hers. It commanded her to look at him, and she did, but there were tears in hers that she wanted so badly to hide. Her voice broke as she spoke again, but refused to let the hormones keep her from saying what she had to say...what he needed to hear.

"You fixed it Derek. You fixed everything. You did that. I doubted you, I couldn't trust you, I refused to believe you would stay with me...with us...and you did. All this time you've been amazing, you've said things and done things and been the best dad a kid could ever have. She'll remember that, forever." Only a few tears fell during her speech, and she allowed him to brush them off with the pad of his thumb.

"I can't take all the credit." He told her, and tilted his head so she could see his warm smile. "I couldn't have done it without you waking me up." The atmosphere had changed from somber to almost playful in a matter of seconds and she found herself smirking instead of crying.

"Next time it wont be so gentle." Derek chuckled, a low grumble deep in his throat.

"You call moving out in the middle of the night gentle? I'd hate to see what forceful is." He was grinning at her, a grin she couldn't resist even if she wanted to.

"Next time you just might see it." Her words were playful, but the meaning behind them was not. His grin vanished, but he moved closer to her, leaning in as close as he could without waking Ava.

"There wont be a next time." He assured, and she watched as he moved his lips within centimeters of hers. Taking her by surprise he diverted to her forehead and placed a soft kiss just under her hairline.

"I can't kiss you in front of Ava. She's only 4 you know." Derek repeated his daughter's words and ran a hand over Meredith's cheek. He could stare at her forever, but he shifted his gaze to their daughter knowing he had to lift her away from Meredith without waking her up.

"Addison says you can come home in two days." He whispered as Meredith shifted her own arms allowing him to get a hold of the limp girls body.

"I can't wait."

"We can't either." He replied. The little girl who had been so reluctant to let go of her mother opened her eyes, and upon seeing her father she buried her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I guess she's okay after all." Meredith told him, her heart melting at the way Ava's body molded to his like jelly.

"I think we're all okay." Responded Derek, and for the first time in awhile, he actually believed it.