Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 32

The kitchen was spotless by the time Derek made the decision to follow Meredith into the family room. She was obviously frustrated..as was he, he wanted to give her time to cool off...a little ashamed to admit he was the one who probably needed the time.

He had been in a weird, angry mood since Mark told him about Addison's abortion. The maddening thoughts of deception wouldn't stop their angry pursuit to drive him completely insane.

Shutting off the kitchen lights he let out a sigh, before making his way into the semi-adjoining family room. He knew he was being irrational...it was a long time ago...he couldn't possibly hold a grudge over it, but in that moment, he couldn't help but feel betrayed.

Addison kept a lot from him, she was a completely different person when she came out to Seattle, the horrible reality that he didn't really know her at all slapped him in the face. He could have been happy with Meredith, he could have made things work sooner had he not stayed with Addison. That what if's of the situation drove him insane. He needed to talk to Meredith about it...that much he knew.

He had to smile despite his angsty thoughts at the sight of Peyton struggling to crawl at Meredith's feet. She'd pull herself up on all four's and rock in a forward motion until she got tired, and flopped back down onto the carpet.

"Come on Pey you can do it!" Ava cheered holding out her arms waiting for the baby to make her way to her. He was mesmerized by the scene. Ava was going to be such a big sister, it was apparent, she was a natural at the baby thing.

'Addison's going to be pissed if she learns to crawl while she's away...' Derek thought, and then shook his head as the bitter thoughts fought their way back in. 'Fuck that...she lied to me anyway...crawl Peyton crawl...' He chanted in his head, and then felt instantly guilty. He was torn, between anger and hurt.

Without a word he sat next to Meredith sinking down low into the plush sofa. Looking at her he noticed she too was focused on the girls at their feet. Her hands lay wrapped around her stomach, assuming the position she had so naturally picked up.

"She's going to be great with the babies.." Meredith said suddenly, after a few minutes of silence. Her comment earned a smile from Derek, the fact that they still thought the same things at the same time amazing to him.

He rolled his neck around and around, stretching out the tight muscles and letting the weight of the day finally catch up to him. "She really will be." He agreed, not taking his eyes off Peyton who had given up crawling, and pulled herself upright.

The couple watched them in silence, content to just relish the rare moment they could spend together. "I'm sorry things were crazy when you got home...I wasn't prepared for it..it's been a day actually.."

Meredith shifted to look at him for the first time, and frowned noticing the lines creasing his forehead. He looked worn out, and lost in thought. A tiny sliver of worry rumbled in her stomach, but she managed to shake it off in order to form a coherent sentence.

"What happened today? You don't seem ok." It was more of a statement than a question. He knew better than to deny the emotions running around his head. He wanted to tell Meredith about Addison, in fact he needed to tell her, though he didn't want her to take it the wrong way.

Addison was always a tricky topic when they brought up the past. There were still a lot of wounds that never fully healed...but had been forgotten about in order to get on with their lives. Derek had a whole other life before he met Meredith. He worried that would get to her eventually. That Meredith would feel inferior to the life he used to lead.

He hadn't noticed she was actively watching him, and when he finally turned to look at her he could see her teeth anxiously biting away at her bottom lip. He shook his head, letting her know in his own way that it was nothing she had done. The teeth stopped their assault and her body relaxed, but her eyes still looked him expectantly.

"I'll tell you later, after they are in bed...I don't want it repeated.." He glanced at their daughter, and Meredith shot him a knowing glance, understanding that they were no longer able to have private conversations without Ava questioning them about it. He kind of missed the days when she was a baby...and they could speak freely in front of her. Then again, he wondered if that's where she picked it all up in the first place. She had been around adults her whole life, observing, taking it all in to use to her benefit later in life.

Peyton looked up at Derek suddenly and he smiled, attempting to make peace with hot headed infant. It was comical how fast her smile turned into a frown and in an instant warm tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"Hey...It's ok." Meredith cooed, glancing at Derek and shrugging her shoulders weakly. She lifted the baby up and once again she stopped crying, but her eyes never left Derek's.

"Why's she cryin' mommy?" Ava asked, moving so she could climb on the couch next to her mother. Meredith had no answer, not sure why the girl had suddenly burst into tears.

"Because...she doesn't like me!" Derek scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest like a child. It was just fitting to his mood, that the infant didn't want anything to do with him. It put the icing on the cake to his crappy day.

"Derek, she does not." Meredith chuckled at the sight of him practically pouting. "Hmm." He responded, gruffly and opened his arms to prove her wrong. "Fine, I'll prove it to you, hand her to me." Meredith hesitated when Peyton locked eyes with her as if pleading not to let her go...but finally did wanting to prove Derek wrong as well.

It took all of a minute for the shock of the transfer to wear off before the babies body went rigid and began to whimper. Shooting a glare at Meredith he handed her back, refusing to look at her as the child stopped once again.

" Dr. Daddy Derek her loves you!" Ava piped in from beside Meredith. "What did I say about that?" Derek responded a little harshly causing Ava to cower into her mother's shoulder.

Meredith looked at Derek, worried and concerned at his high frustration level. "Derek are you ok? I mean really ok...because you seem not ok..." He sighed, and nodded, not even knowing what he felt. It was just fitting that Peyton hated him...he was currently hating her mother...or angry...or whatever...he didn't even know and that made him even more upset.

"She doesn't hate you, she's at that stranger stage Derek." She reasoned with him, trying her be to comfort him the only way she knew how. "I'm not a stranger." He he all but snapped, causing her to flinch. He looked at her and his face softened in apology not sure what had caused him to reply that way.

"You don't know her as well...it's ok, she'll warm up to you." "I'm her uncle how can she not know me?"

Meredith didn't reply, and neither looked at each other as the room was blanketed in an awkward silence. It dawned on him then, that he could probably count the number of times he had actually spent alone with the child. He wasn't there...he never had been.

"Oh..." Was all he said and Meredith shifted so she could take his hand in hers. His face was somber once again, masked in the guilt she had seen so much lately. "Derek, it's ok..." She started, but was interrupted by him getting up.

"No...it's really not." His voice was barely audible, and he walked over to where Ava was sitting and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, but I keep telling you not to call me Derek."

"Sorry daddy..." She whispered with her head down in shame and he lifted her chin up so he could face her. "I love you." He replied before standing in front of Meredith. "I need to shower...and just...think for awhile. Will you be alright with them?"

Meredith was worried about him, not understanding what he was thinking. But she trusted in the fact that he would talk to her later. She nodded before he walked out of the room, listening as the TV was flicked on.

Again, even with all the horrible thoughts racing through his mind he had to smile...at the fact that Meredith had given in and turned on the TV.