Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 87

"So....nothing happened to her? She's fine?" Meredith asked, from across the table. She was talking to Derek, but eying up her daughter curiously.

"Yeah, she's fine...she didn't go far." Derek was telling Meredith what happened at the playground for the second time. He could understand why his wife couldn't fathom what had gone on, because the little girl who sat beside him was nothing like the hysterical child he had held in his arms earlier.

"I'm just....I'm confused." Fumbled Meredith, trying to wrap her brain around it all. "She was hysterical...and now look at her?" Derek did as she asked, and watched as Ava happily played with her new Barbie doll.

After taking her to see the ferries, he couldn't help but stop at the toy store, but it was the ferry boat Ava had talked nonstop about since then, not the doll. "I know...it's odd."

"I'm glad to see her back to herself...I haven't seen her this happy in awhile." Meredith told him, but the words were bittersweet. It hurt her, to know that Ava had been acting odd for so long. Derek looked at her in concern, and was about to open his mouth to offer some form of comfort, but she interrupted him. "She thought you left her? I can't get over that. How could...why would she even think that?"

Ava thrust the doll into his hands before he could reply and instructed him to brush her hair. He did, but kept his attention on his wife. With a sigh and a slight frown he responded, "I don't know. I've been going over and over it...but...it just doesn't make sense."

"I'm worried." Meredith admitted, watching as her daughter accepted the doll back from Derek. Every once and awhile Ava would look up at her, knowing they were talking about her, but the conversation didn't seem interesting enough to chime in.

"I am too." He admitted, just as their food came and he was forced to put their conversation on hold so that he could help Ava cut up her hamburger. She had picked the place, a classic hamburger joint that was overly kid friendly. It had pleased Meredith, who devoured her basket of carbs before he had even taken a bite of his.

"Woah, Mer, I thought that was supposed to stop now that you are just eating for one?" She glared at him in return, but didn't stop eating. It was later than they had planned to have lunch, and she was starving.

"Maybe I'm not just eating for one." She told him seriously, and the french fry he had in his hand fell to the table. Her face was so serious that it didn't even occur to him that it was a physical impossibility.

He was speechless for a second, and her face finally broke out into a grin. The mixture of shock and utter terror on his face made her giggle. "Last time I checked...you need to have sex to get pregnant." She whispered, nearly mouthing the word 'sex'.

"I had a traumatic morning." He defended and glanced at Ava. "Don't scare me. I wasn't even thinking about that." His knew his mind was running slower than usual. She let him take a few bites of his cheeseburger before she replied.

"So I guess three is our magic number then? Since you almost had a heart attack a second ago." He couldn't tell whether she was intending to have a serious conversation or if she was just making small talk, and that fact unnerved him.

Turning it around, he put the same question on her, trying to get a read on her thoughts. "Do you think three is our number?"

"I always figured you'd want....5...or 6...or be one of those families with 16 kids and still having more." Derek laughed at her response.

"16 is a little excessive and at the rate we're going, they'd all be girls..."

"I agree, but you still didn't answer me." He kept eating, but she knew he was deep in thought. She wasn't even sure why she was bringing it up. She certainly wasn't even thinking about more kids...but they had never discussed their ideal number and it was suddenly something she was curious about.

Tilting his head, he swallowed and took a sip of his drink. "I really don't know." He told her honestly. "After what I did...I really never expected us to ever have more." Meredith frowned, upset that he had still not forgiven himself.

"Derek..." She started to argue, but he wouldn't let her finish.

"The girls were...a surprise. I wasn't expecting it...I hadn't realized how much I wanted more until I found out you were pregnant. I can't imagine life without them already...and they're only two weeks old." Meredith seemed more at ease with his response and with a small smile she watched Ava stuffing too many french fries into her tiny mouth.

"I don't know if I want more." Meredith admitted softly, her eyes not meeting his right away. She was afraid she'd see disappointment there, but when she looked, all she found was understanding.

"You just got done a very difficult pregnancy, I don't blame you for not knowing....I'm not expecting you to know right now. Honestly, I don't even know. My thoughts are too concentrated on the three kids we have."

Meredith looked at him, reading his features to make sure what he was saying matched his thoughts. "I....okay." She responded, but she bit her lip and he knew there was more on her mind. Deciding to let her say it on her own time, he kept eating, knowing she would speak when she felt confident enough.

"It's just...what if I don't? You know? What if later, I decide I don't want more...and you do? What will happen?" He couldn't hide the concern as wrinkles made their way across his forehead. Ava was watching him, and made the same face, but Derek was too focused on Meredith's question to notice.

"What do you mean what will happen? You're the one who has to carry the baby...if you didn't want to...we wouldn't have more...I wouldn't tie you down and force you." He wasn't sure whether to be offended, or completely confused. He didn't get what she meant.

Meredith rolled her eyes at him, annoyed that he wasn't getting it. His lack of understanding meant she had to keep talking about...and say her fears out loud. "If I don't want more...and you do...you'll be unsatisfied. I know you. You'll be unhappy...and then you'll...." She trailed off, not even believing the thoughts that were entering her brain.

Derek couldn't believe them either, and finished her thought with an annoyed huff. "I'll leave you...is that what you think? That I would leave you if you didn't want more?" He wasn't mad, but 100 percent lost as to what was going through her mind. Both the women in his life never failed to turn his brain upside down.

Sensing her parents' conversation had turned serious, Ava moved closer to Derek and curled into his side as she stared back and forth between him and her mother. Meredith was ashamed she had thought it at all, and refused to meet his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he managed to calm his racing thoughts and then moved some things out of the way so he could take her hand across the table.

"Are you really worried about this? Or is this just some hormonal shift?"

"No...I don't think...I don't know. I'm sorry." Using his thumb, he stroked her hand gently, and she brought her eyes up once again to meet his.

"I'm not going to leave you. Ever...just like I'm not going to leave you." He told Meredith, and then turned to Ava and told her as well. "You don't stop loving someone because they don't want more than three kids. At least...I don't." Meredith understood that, and she believed it. Except...there was still a tiny glimmer of doubt rolling through her mind.

"Will you be okay with three girls and no boy?"

"Meredith..." He started, but she stopped him.

"If this is it...if three is our number...will you be satisfied without a boy?" That was the real route of her worry, and she let out the breath she had been holding. It felt good to say it out loud.

Derek didn't have an answer right away. He had never thought of the ramifications of not having a boy. But, during both Meredith's pregnancies, he had never hoped for one sex over the other, he just wanted them to be healthy.

"I don't know." He told her, not wanting to lie to her. "I have no idea how I will feel in the future about that." Worry flashed across Meredith's features for a second, but he banished them with a squeeze of her hand. "But, I do know I'll never stop loving you...nothing will change that. And, if three wonderful children isn't satisfying...I really don't know what is." His answer was perfect, and what she had been hoping to hear so she let the smile return to her face.

"Okay." She responded, letting go of his hand so she could eat some more.

"Okay? Really okay? Or...Meredith okay?"

"Really okay." She told him with a nod of her head.

"I don't want a yucky boy." Ava spoke up suddenly, causing both Derek and Meredith to turn to her. He looked at his wife and then back to his daughter. Of course she had been listening, she wouldn't be their daughter if she hadn't been.

"No boys? Why not? Boys are nice." He teased, pretending to be offended by her statement.

"Daddy's a boy you know." Meredith told her, wondering when boys had become yucky to her daughter.

"No yucky girls either. I don't want a baby." She told them, with a bit of an attitude, but not an overly nasty one. Meredith shot him a concerned look, worried that Ava had decided she didn't like her new sisters anymore.

"Your new sisters are babies. Do you like them?" Asked Meredith, and realized she was actually terrified of the answer. Ava's face softened, like the image of her sisters had just popped into her head.

"Of course. They're my babies."

"Oh...of course." Meredith mocked, feeling stupid for asking. "So...you are happy they are here?" She remembered that her and Derek had decided not to talk about the babies in front of her that day, but Ava had brought it up...so she figured it was okay to talk about it.

"Hmm...Mmmmm...I'm going to play baby with them and show them my room...and we can play tea set and color."

Ava kept talking and Derek whispered, "I'm so glad she inherited your rambling...it's so nice to listen to." He teased to Meredith. Ava was still talking, and he only caught the tail end of what she was saying.

"....and they will be mine forever and no one will take them away and you'll still love me, right, daddy?" Meredith had been giggling from Derek's comment, but she stopped abruptly, and Ava watched as her parents grew silent.

Without fail, every time they thought she was okay, she would throw something like that into the conversation. It confused them...and was a painful reminder that Ava's abandonment fears seemed to be very real.

"We need to figure this out, Meredith." He told her, not responding to Ava right away. "There is no reason she should be asking that." Meredith had her own angsty thoughts rolling through her mind. She barely heard Derek, and he had to repeat himself.

"Mer? Did you hear me? We need to discuss this with her...get to the bottom of it somehow." Meredith's greatest fear had been that her daughter would grow up with the same abandonment issues she had. It had been the main reason she had forced Derek to move out. At that time, she cared more about the long-term effects his continuous absence had on Ava than that their marriage was crumbling.

"You you want...to discuss it now?" She asked, wearily.

"Well, we might as well, since the subject is on her mind..."

"What's discuss?" Ava asked, once again following every word of her parents' conversation. Both Derek and Meredith looked at her again.

"It means to talk." He responded, before Meredith could. "Mommy and me want to talk to you." He looked at Meredith and nodded his head in reassurance. With wide eyes, all Meredith could do was nod. She didn't know what to say, so she let Derek do the talking.

"Ava, mommy and daddy will never stop loving you. "

"But you have new babies now." She argued, not really believing him. Her statement broke Meredith's heart and she had to chime in.

"But, just because we have new babies doesn't mean we won't love you. We love you and your new sisters too." Ava crinkled her nose and then frowned.

"Aunt Addison is having a new baby, but she still loves Peyton." Derek followed, trying to give her something she could relate to. Meredith was flustered, and was anxiously ripping a napkin into little pieces. She didn't know how to explain it, Derek always seemed better at serious discussions.

Ava didn't say anything for a few minutes, she just frowned at them. it was clear there were a dozen thoughts racing through her mind, but her parents had no idea what they were.

"But...you'll lose me...and leave me..." She finally told them. Her head shook in determination.

Looking at Derek in desperation, Meredith said, "Ava...we will never leave you. Ever."

"But Andrew said...."

Ava couldn't get the rest of her sentence out before Derek had snapped, "What did Andrew say!?" He hadn't been fond of the little boy since Addison had told him how horrible his mother was.

Ava's eyes eyes widened in fear. "It's okay, daddy's not mad at you." Meredith assured her, glaring at Derek.

"I thought we were done with this boy?" Derek replied, to her, not Ava. "She hasn't spoken about him in a long time...I assumed he was out of the picture." His teeth were clinched, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"Derek. They are in the same class...how could they be apart?"

"I don't like this boy..." He shook his head and she kicked him under the table. "Ouch, jesus, Mer..."

"Can we get back to this?" She questioned, waving her hand in Ava's direction. Their daughter had watched their interaction in awe.

"What did Andrew say?" Meredith took over the conversation. Derek was clearly not in the right mind set to handle it.

"Is daddy mad?" The little girl asked, her bottom lip poking out into a pout. Meredith tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at her husband.

"No. No, daddy's not mad. Are you, Derek?"

"What?.....oh...oh no, no, I'm not mad, princess." Meredith could do nothing but roll her eyes.

"Why you makin' that face then? And you've got lines on your head. That means you're mad." Looking at his daughter, Derek let his face relax. Even his four year old could read him, it was sad.

"No, I'm not mad. I was just thinking. What did Andrew say?"

"He's mean to me, daddy." Ava replied, and Derek had to bite his tongue not to attack her with questions. Glancing at Meredith, he let himself relax in her calming gaze.

"Why is he mean? What did he do?" Meredith asked, knowing Derek couldn't get the words out.

"He makes fun of me."

"What? Why!?" Derek started to yell, and then lowered his voice remembering who he was talking to. "What does he do?"

Ava looked back and forth between her parents, trying to decide if she should really tell them or not. Finally, she settled with looking down at her hands. It was easier for her to talk without looking at them.

"He said no one loves me anymore." Meredith's hand latched on to Derek's suddenly, and he looked across the table at his wife. She was trying to keep him calm, he knew it, and he appreciated the gesture, but the anger was slowly starting to build up and he wasn't sure he could keep it in much longer.

"Why did he say that?" Replied Meredith, and Ava looked up at her with tears in her eyes.

"Because my babies are here. He said when new babies come mommies and daddies don't love anymore."

"What else did he say?" Meredith didn't know how she was able to remain calm, but it was rare that they had such a window into their daughter's thoughts and she wasn't about to stop.

"Andrew said you were going to leave me all alone...somewhere else...and I'd be lost and sad...and I'd have to stay away forever and ever." The thoughts had been in the little girl's head for awhile. Her parents didn't know how long, but they seemed to have penetrated her psyche because her bottom lip trembled with each word she spoke.

Meredith and Derek were stunned into silence. "Andrew said that to you?" Derek spoke up, barely comprehending what she had said. All Ava did in return was shake her head yes. She looked like she was about to cry, but no tears fell, and for that he was glad.

Pulling his hand away from Meredith's, he took hold of Ava and sat her in his lap. He was seething, he couldn't imagine that little boy telling his daughter such horrible things.

Along with the anger, came guilt. Everyone had said Ava was just adjusting...that she was just getting used to not being the center of his world. But, in reality, Andrew had filled her head with doubt and fear and he hadn't known it.

"Andrew is not a nice boy." He told her, wanting to say much worse about the child, but knowing he couldn't. Clearing his throat he continued, "He's just mean."

"And he's not telling the truth." Meredith cut in, just as annoyed as Derek, but able to hide it better.

"No, he's not. I can't even believe he said that." He said, looking at Meredith and momentarily forgetting Ava was in his lap. "How can a four year old be so horrible? I'm going to call his parents."

"Der..." Meredith started to argue, but she couldn't even get the rest of his name out before he interrupted her.

"No, this is insane. He did this. All this time we've been thinking it was just a phase, that she would adjust...and all the while this kid has been filling her head with lies. I wont just let this happen."

"We can talk about it later." Derek didn't like Meredith's suggestion, but Ava was clinging to his chest once again and knew he had to talk to her before doing anything else.

"Ava, the things Andrew told you are not true. At all. Mommies and daddies don't stop loving their children. Ever. They don't forget you, or leave...he was just trying to hurt you."

"What if you do?" She mumbled, from his chest, and he kissed the top of her head and hugged her closer.

"We wont. Ever. We will never lose you or stop loving you. " Meredith assured her. It was all she could do. When she lost faith in people, she had to be shown the way back. But, Ava was too young, there was no real way to show her that they would always be there. They just had to assure her, over and over until her fears had gone away.

"Why'd he say that?"

"Because he's a horrible little boy." Derek blurted out, and Meredith glared at him.

"Because, he was trying to upset you. Some people are not very nice." She corrected, looking at Derek with narrowed eyes. Derek needed to just keep his mouth shut until they could talk without Ava around, but she knew he wouldn't be able to do that. "If he says that to you again, you need to tell him that it's not true. Your mommy and daddy will always love you."

"You shouldn't be his friend anymore. Don't even talk to him." Derek but out. Ava lifted her head so that she could look back and forth between her parents. She was getting confused, but didn't seem as upset anymore.

"Tomorrow...if he says something like that to you, you can come home and tell us and we'll remind you that it's not true."

"What if you forget?" The little girl asked, causing Meredith to shake her head. "We wont forget. We'll tell you over and over how much we love you. Would that be okay?"

Ava nodded, starting to believe what Meredith was saying more and more. "Ouch. Daddy you're hurting me." She whined, and Derek released her, realizing he had been squeezing a little too hard. Meredith couldn't help but laugh.

"Daddy's mad at Andrew." She explained.

"Can I tell Andrew my daddy is mad at him? Can I tell him my daddy will put him in time out?"

"Tell him I'll do more than put him in time out..." He mumbled, but Meredith corrected him.

"You can tell Andrew that it's not nice to say those things."

Ava was confused, but smiled anyway. "What if he doesn't listen?"

"It's okay if he doesn't listen...you know the truth. You just tell him we love you very much, and you love your baby sisters."

"He doesn't like my babies. He said they were ugly."

"That's it...." Snapped Derek as he pulled out his cell phone. "I'm calling the school. I want to talk to Miss Heather. How does she just let this happen?" Like Cece had at the park, Meredith put her hand to his and stopped the call.

"Let's talk about it at home Derek."

"How can you not be angry?" He spat, and he immediately regretted it because Ava tensed in his arms. Meredith stayed quiet, pleading with her eyes for him to listen to her. Rubbing a hand against Ava's back, he put the phone down. The sigh he let out, told Meredith that he had silently agreed with her.

His mind was full. It had been a rough day. He was glad Ava had finally been able to tell him what was going on, but with her admission, brought overwhelming guilt. He knew, no matter how many people he yelled at, that there would be no end to his worried thoughts until Ava was back to normal.