Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 49

The morning sun shed its bright rays into the bedroom the next morning, blinding Meredith and Derek as they got ready for the day. Meredith was following her usual morning routine of digging through her closet for something that would fit her. Derek could do nothing but laugh silently from his position at the sink in the bathroom. Laughing out loud would earn him a one way fast pass to the guest room, that much he knew.

It took awhile for him to tame his unruly bed head, much longer than it took Meredith to do her hair in the morning, she usually made fun of him for it, but he couldn't help that his curly locks were high maintenance. He was secretly glad Ava had only inherited a slight wave to her hair, she would never have to endure the trouble he went through just to look decent in the morning. Running his hands through the sticky gel at least kept him occupied while Meredith had her early morning freak out.

Derek tried to ignore the dark circles underneath his eyes. He hadn't really gotten much sleep. Each time they would doze off in front of the fire one of them would wake up for another sex-a-thon. He certainly hadn't intended for the night to go that way, he would have been happy just laying with her, but he wasn't about to say no once it began.

"You look as tired as I feel." Came a voice from behind him and he didn't even have to turn to see Meredith standing in the doorway. The mirror provided a reflection of her sleepy form and he gave up on his hair to watch as she walked to her own sink to check her appearance.

"Well, I don't think either of us got much sleep."

"Hm...I didn't hear you complaining about that.." She teased and he was surprised at the good mood she was in. He had discovered early on, that mornings seemed to be the play ground for the hormonal roller coaster she road every day. He assumed exhaustion and low blood sugar caused the moods...but whatever did it, he usually tried to maintain a safe distance to ensure he didn't make it worse. They smirked at each like teenage love birds as they brush their teeth and he couldn't help but feel elated at the smile on her face. He didn't realize how much they both needed the time alone. Each of them had so much going on in their daily lives that they often forgot that the therapy that a simple night with each other could bring.

A tinge of guilt pierced his heart, reminding him that in order to have alone time with his wife he had to leave his daughter behind. He knew she was happy and in good hands, but it didn't replace the fear that he was somehow damaging her. It wasn't just Meredith who had fears. The second he became a parent his entire world changed, and suddenly, his simple care free mind was transformed into how he was raising his daughter. He fussed over what she ate, when she ate, what she did, how she did it...nothing was too simple to fuss over. Every day of her early life was consumed with his worries...and Meredith's...but surprisingly, she had taken to parenthood much easier than him.

Where Derek worried more over what Ava was doing, Meredith worried over being a good mother in general. He was hoping it would be easier the second time around. Maybe he'd worry less...knowing that Ava had turned out OK. But, then again, he knew that two babies probably provided twice the worry...and suddenly he found himself almost panic stricken.

"Do you think it's going to be hard with two infants?" He voiced his concern once they were done brushing their teeth. They hadn't really talked much about the logistics of the babies. Most people probably would have thought it all the minute they found out about twins, but the couple had so many other things going on, that logistics sort of took a back burner. In Derek's mind, their marriage came first...it had to. He couldn't imagine bringing two children into the world until they were on steady ground.

He assumed Meredith would lie to him, give him a sugar coated answer to hide her own worry, but to his surprise, she replied, "Yeah...I think it's going to be." Her vulnerability showed him just how much thought she had given the topic, and he instantly felt bad...knowing he should have been thinking of it as well. With a sigh he cleaned up the mess his hair products had left and stepped back into the bedroom to find his shoes. She followed him, without speaking, and they both ended up on the edge of the bed.

"I feel like an idiot. I should have been thinking of this all along...I just...I wanted to get us in order...you know?" He looked at her with hope, hope that she would understand...hope that she wouldn't be offended by his inability to think about the most important thing in their life.

"It's OK Derek. I really haven't thought about it as much as I should either...I mean..it kind of just hit me recently...two babies...at the same time...I can't even imagine."

"I think I'll talk to Mark today about some time off once they're born. I took it with Ava...and I think we'll need it even more now." She looked at him in surprise.

"You want to take time off?" She knew it shouldn't have shocked her, but...it still did. The old Derek Shepherd never took time off. He had stayed home with Ava and Meredith for a few weeks, and though she knew he loved spending time with his daughter, she also knew he couldn't wait to get back to work.

He shot her an equally surprised look, not sure why she would be so shocked by his statement. "Well...yeah...how do you expect to take care of three kids alone? Ava...was one thing...I felt OK leaving you after two weeks with one...but two infants...and a 4 year old? That wouldn't work." He had a point, she knew, but him even suggesting staying home for awhile...longer than two weeks...her brain just couldn't process it.

"You mean...you would take more than last time? Can you even do that?" She didn't know why she was questioning him, in her head she thought perhaps if she found possible holes in the plan then she wouldn't be so disappointed when he went stir crazy and demanded to be back in surgery.

He had been putting his shoes on the whole time they were talking and once they were on he stood up to stand in front of her. "Of course I'd take more...maybe a month? We haven't even decided on child care yet...that's going to take time." He talked to her with confidence, even though he was anxious and worried. The more he thought about it, the more he realized all the things they needed to get in order.

"You would really do that?" He rolled his eyes and took her hands to help her up. "I'm selling my land to Mark Sloan...I'm pretty sure we went over the 'I'd do anything thing last night'" She smiled, standing in front of him just out of arms reach. She knew he was right, she just had to have a little faith in him.

"You're not happy." He observed, not even bothering to put it into a question. Her head was down towards the floor, avoiding his gaze and he stepped closer to lift her chin into the air.

"I'm just...it's...I'm getting worried. There's so much to do. We don't have anything yet, the nursery's not done...Ava still thinks their names are Hannah and Cinderella...I'm just...starting to freak out a little here..." He nodded, he knew how she felt. He was having the same freak out, but he felt he had to be strong for her, and at least pretend it was coming easy to him.

"We still have a few months to get things figured it. How about we make it our top priority?" He suggested, hoping to ease her discomfort. "We could go figure out some nursery stuff this weekend...we've been putting it of for awhile." She nodded, and then he saw her eyes shift as another thought made its way to her brain.

"What if we don't have that long?" She couldn't suppress the worry in her voice, there was no use, she wouldn't be able to hide it from him even if she tried. Her whole posture had change, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"Meredith...don't think like that...Addison said everything looked great." He assured, but he wondered who was going to reassure him. Addison would have been the one to give him that positive feedback...and he realized he was missing that assurance she could provide. Not speaking to her really was starting to have drawbacks. He never thought he'd see the day where he missed his ex-wife. His wife's words sent the thoughts rushing out of his mind.

"Derek, my blood pressure is still high...it's not uncommon for twins to be premature...she basically told us that...I'm not ready for this." There was panic in her eyes and as if on instinct he wrapped his arms around her to prevent a break down. He knew once she started she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Hey...it's OK. I know it's hard...I worry too...more than you could ever know. But we'll get through it, no matter what, we'll get through it together." Derek whispered into her ear and smoothed her hair down. She seemed to be comforted by his words, and it made him happy that he could at least provide something to help. She lifted up her head, allowing him to kiss the top of it.

"What about Ava. Do you think she'll be ok with all this? Her whole world is going to change."

"I hope so...there's not much we can do about it now.." He joked, trying to put a smile back on her face.

"We could have Peyton over some more, get her used to having a baby around.." She was half kidding, and he made a face.

"Don't push your luck. She gave me an evil look when I saw her the other day." Meredith rolled her eyes and turned from him to get her things ready.

"An evil look? You're ridiculous. She loved you last time she was here."

"That was before Addison...she's talking trash on me I know it." He teased, knowing for sure it would bring some kind of smile.

"Derek...no." She chuckled and left the room shaking her head. He was still worried about what was to come, but knew there wasn't much he could do except take it one day at a time.