Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 93

A/N: Super long update! Over 18,000 words for my 18th Birthday! I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think in the comments!

It was early morning when Meredith stepped into the NICU almost two weeks later. It was the earliest she had been at the hospital since she had been discharged from her month long stay. Derek had gone back to work, against his will and better judgment. He didn't want to leave Meredith home all day by herself, but more than three weeks had passe, and his temporary leave had ended.

As the head of Neuro, he had a department to run, patients to look over, and special cases to see. Even though he knew he would take another leave once the babies went home, it was still difficult to go back.

The NICU was still dark, the nurses liked to keep the room dark in the morning so that their patients could rest. With the soft lights glowing from each Nurses' desk, the room was lit enough that Meredith could see her daughters nestled together in their cozy makeshift bed. She had begged Derek to take her into the hospital with him. It didn't matter that it was 7 AM or that she would most likely be stuck there until his schedule cleared up enough to bring her home. All she wanted to do was spend the day with her girls, and with Ava at school, it was the perfect opportunity.

It was much easier to see and access her babies than it was before. Because they were doing so well, they had moved to a step down section of the NICU. It meant their conditions were no longer critical...they were a step away from going home, at least that's how Meredith liked to think about it.

Taking in their appearance, she smiled at the way their tiny heads were turned towards each other. The incubator was huge compared to them, and yet, they were most comfortable curled up so close they were almost on top of each other.

Reaching her hand in, Meredith touched Ella's belly first, and then Caroline's. Neither girl stirred, they had just eaten, and that seemed to be the time they slept the heaviest. Moving to the step down unit had come with its own set of achievements. Both girls were feeding from a bottle, maintaining their weight, and could maintain their body heat in an incubator without a top. It was amazing, to see them there and thriving. To Meredith, they were no longer fragile, premature infants, but almost normal, healthy babies.

She stood their for awhile, just watching them sleep. It was something she could picture herself doing forever. For once, she was in no hurry to hold them, she didn't have to worry about what time it was or what she needed to get done that day, she was completely at peace.

Almost an hour had passed and Meredith hadn't even realized it until a doctor approached her. Once the girls had moved out of the NICU, Addison had been almost forced to go back to over seeing other patients. Since the babies were doing so well, she could no longer come up with reasons to stay solely in charge of their care.

It had been hard to do, but Addison had turned over their care to a female doctor she trusted and adored. Dr. Hannah Davis was one of the best in her field and the only one Addison would consider letting replace her.

Dr. Davis was tall, she towered over Meredith's form. Her blond hair was always perfectly styled, her clothes....even her scrubs were always wrinkle free and impeccable. Meredith wondered if it was an OB thing...or if she was just inadequate when it came to fashion. Either way, the woman seemed nice, and though it made her uneasy not having Addison as their primary doctor, Meredith liked the woman, and trusted her fully.

"How are you today, Meredith?" Asked Dr. Davis as she scanned over each babies' chart. She made small notes as Meredith spoke, and as curious as she was, Meredith never breached protocol to look at their charts. She accepted that she was a family member, and not their doctor, even though it was difficult at times.

"I'm fine...how are they?" It was probably a silly question she knew, but, it didn't stop her from asking every time she came to visit.

Dr. Davis looked up at her after making more notes on the chart and then smiled at Meredith. "They are really well. I'm not even saying this because Addison forces me to...these girls certainly win the prize for fastest recovery time." Meredith's face beamed with pride. With all the terrifying scenarios she had envisioned, none of them had come true. She had kept her hopefulness carefully guarded, knowing that anything could go wrong at any time. It was a wonderful feeling, to be able to say her daughters were mostly out of the woods.

"You can say that over and over...even if Addison forces you." Joked Meredith, knowing she would never get tired of hearing it.

"Alright then, I'll do that." The doctor went to work examining the girls. Neither girl cared when the woman listened to their hearts and checked their oxygen levels. They were used to being poked and prodded. Meredith, who had stepped aside to let Dr. Davis work, watched in awe at how deeply her babies slept.

"I hope they sleep that well at home." She joked, and when the doctor was done she stepped away and smiled in return.

"Most preemies are so used to noises and distractions that they end up being deep sleepers...at least...that's what other parents have said."

"That would be nice." Even though, Meredith didn't care how they slept as long as they were healthy.

Dr. Davis was making more notes on their chart, and after closing it up with a satisfied smile, she turned to Meredith. "I was going to wait until later to bring this up, but Addison and I discussed it this morning, and we feel that as long as Ella stays stable and passes her car seat test, we think you'll be able to bring her home as early as tomorrow."

Meredith was so shocked by the news that she didn't even know what to say. She had never let herself come up with a possible date for them to come home. Doing that would have been a disappointment when they had to stay longer. But, she had never expected it to be so soon.

"Home...you mean...she can be discharged?" Stuttered Meredith, knowing she sounded like a fool.

The doctor seemed used to it, and didn't say a word as Meredith began twirling the bottom of her sweater around her fingers. With an understanding smile, Dr. David replied, "Yes, it will be a very big day for Ella...her first day out into the world."

It dawned on Meredith then, that they were just speaking of Ella. Caroline was not attached to the subject in any way, and that was such a rarity that Meredith frowned in confusion. "Wait...why just Ella? What about Caroline?" She glanced over at her babies unconsciously, watching their chests move up and down. It seemed as if Dr. Davis has been expecting Meredith's reaction, and she put the charts down so that she could focus on her completely.

"Both girls are doing well, but Ella is doing much better. It's normal. She was more stable all along. Her lungs are better developed and it's not uncommon at all for one twin to be released before the other."

Meredith's mind couldn't grasp onto what the doctor was saying with any form of clarity. Thoughts were racing through her brain too fast for her even to come up with any reply. Dr. Davis let her think, knowing it was a big piece of information to take in all at once.

Looking up at the doctor, Meredith shook her head forcefully. "But, you said Caroline was doing better than you expected...she's...she's doing great." It didn't make sense to her, both babies had been almost a conjoined unit for so long that she couldn't fathom speaking of one and not the other.

"She is doing great. But, she was a pound lighter at birth, it's going to take her a little bit longer to catch up. She still needs oxygen several times throughout the day to maintain a normal blood oxygen level. Ella, on the other hand, hasn't needed oxygen in over two weeks."

Meredith had known that, it wasn't new information, but when talking about one going home and not the other, it was a crushing blow to her psyche. "But maybe she will be ready by tomorrow..." The part of Meredith's brain that stored all her medical knowledge had vanished completely during the babies' stay in the NICU.

Dr. Davis watched Meredith with sympathetic eyes. She went through the situation every day, and it never got easier, but her job was to do what was in the best interest for the patients, whether their parents liked it or not.

"I know this is hard. But there are three main criteria for premature babies to be released. They need to be feeding from a bottle, steadily gaining weight, and able to pass the car seat test. Which means, that Caroline would have to spend an hour in her car seat, if in that hour she can breath without the help of oxygen then she can be released. But Meredith, Caroline will not pass that test. Just today she has been on oxygen twice within the past three hours."

It made sense what the doctor was saying, but Meredith couldn't even entertain the idea of taking one home and not the other. Taking Ella home meant she'd have to leave Caroline all by herself. She would have to be home with Ella...while her other baby spent her days alone...and that was something she could not fathom.

"I just...it doesn't make sense. Can't Ella just stay until Caroline is ready to come home? I can't bring Ella and not Caroline...they can't even be without each other for an hour..." Meredith was adamant in her argument, knowing that she wasn't just being a worried mother.

"Unfortunately, insurance doesn't cover extended stay unless it's necessary, and since Ella got approved for discharge this morning...it would be unethical to keep her here."

"Unethical?" Argued Meredith, stunned at the answers she was getting. Caroline had only started to thrive once Ella had been placed in her incubator. She didn't get why the doctor didn't understand that.

Arching an eyebrow, Dr. Davis replied, "Well yes...keeping Ella here drains funds and attention away from babies who actually need it. Ella will thrive at home, and I am sure Caroline will not be far behind. I would estimate a week, maybe two at the most." The doctor was so cool and calm about it that Meredith wanted to slap her. This wasn't some nonchalant subject they were dealing with, these were her children, and anger slowly boiled through her veins.

"Caroline needs Ella. They don't like being apart for any length of time. How is she supposed to spend two weeks without her sister? The person she's been with for the past 8 months?" Meredith questioned knowing that her tone was rising with each word spoken.

"Caroline will do fine. It's normal to be concerned, but we've had other twins who were in the same incubator that did just fine when one went home first." Dr. Davis hated having to argue with the fellow doctor, but it was her job to give her the facts, no matter how challenging that was.

"Not every baby is alike. You can't be sure of that. Why take a baby that needs extra attention and care away from the one comforting thing she knows?"

"But, it's not the only comfort she knows. She'll still have you, and your husband, and the nurses she has grown used to."

"It's not the same." Snapped Meredith, getting more frustrated by the second. She didn't understand why Dr. Davis didn't see what an insane idea it was to release one baby and not the other. "Derek..." Meredith started, and then shook her head and corrected herself. "My husband and I live almost an hour away, how are we supposed to be home with Ella and then make the drive out here during the day? It's flu season, I'm not going to trek a premature baby back to this germ infested hospital all the time."

Dr. Davis let out a sigh, losing her patience with Meredith. She had an argument for everything she said, and she wished Addison had been the one to break the news and not herself. "Meredith...I know this is hard." The doctor started, trying her best to remain sympathetic. "But there really is no other option...not one that wouldn't be costly to you. You and your husband can take turns, one of you can stay with Ella while the other comes here." She suggested, trying to help. But, Meredith was too far gone to listen. Tears were threatening to burst through at any second. Her heart was breaking at the prospect of taking Ella without Caroline and she was not about to give up. Something deep inside was telling her they had to stay together, and she couldn't ignore that voice.

"My husband just went back to work 3 days ago. He already has a few surgeries scheduled for next week, I'll have to be home with Ella, and Caroline will be here all alone. No...it's just not an option." Her hands had started to shake as she spoke, her body was releasing her pent-up emotions through one limb at a time.

"I'm sorry, it really is the way it has to be. Your insurance will not cover Ella now that it's on record she can be discharged."

"We'll pay the difference, money is not the concern here." Meredith snapped, earning an eye roll from the doctor.

"Meredith, do you know how much it costs per day to have a baby in the NICU? It's astronomical. There is a reason insurance companies only agree to pay what they do." Feeling like she was being laughed at, Meredith glared at the woman and then fished her phone out of her pocket. She needed Derek, she needed an ally, she needed someone who wouldn't think she was crazy.

"When will you be examining them next?" Meredith questioned, her voice laced with disgust.

"Around 1:00, after my surgery..."

Nodding her head, Meredith found her husband's cell phone number and fixed her cold gaze on the doctor. "Good, please make sure you let the nurses know before you do so I can leave." Meredith's words stunned the doctor, and she looked at her in confusion.

"Meredith..."

"No." Meredith interrupted, refusing to be spoken to by the doctor who had made her feel inferior. "We're done talking, I'd like someone else to oversee my daughters' case." Meredith walked away from Dr. Davis, ignoring the stares she was receiving from the nurses in the room. She didn't care what anyone thought, she didn't care what anyone said. All she cared about was the well being of her babies...and she couldn't understand why that wasn't their doctor's top priority either.