Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 80

"When I said you could help...I didn't mean you had to clean my house." Derek said to his sister as he stepped into his family room. He had just gotten home. It was late, well beyond the normal hours he had recently been accustomed to. He hated staying at the hospital past Ava's bed time, and didn't expect to come home and find Nancy dusting his living room.

"There you are, little brother. I was beginning to wonder if the hospital was keeping you all night." She didn't even turn to look at him. She just kept dusting the mantel, lifting up pictures as she went.

Watching her with disdain, Derek sat down on the sofa, glad to finally be able to sit after 5 hours in surgery. "I had to get all the time in I could before Meredith came home tomorrow. I took a small leave of absence to help her around here."

"A small leave?" Nancy questioned, and he knew she was arching an eyebrow at him, even though she was still facing the mantel.

"Well, I'll take another once the girls come home. I can't very well just up and abandon my department for an extended period of time." He didn't want to start even thinking of possible dates for the babies' homecoming. Thinking ahead meant he could easily be disappointed.

"I'm sure the hospital can live without you, Derek. Mark is the chief, for god sakes." His sister pressed, letting him know she was unhappy with his decision without actually saying it. In return, Derek blew out a puff of hot air and massaged his temples.

"Meredith and I have discussed this. It makes sense to do it this way. She'd kill me if I spent every day here fussing over her." He told her and watched as she moved to dust the coffee table.

"I'm just saying, Derek...it would make more sense if you just took all the time at once." Derek made a loud groan in the back of his throat.

"Uhhgg...don't do this to me, Nancy. Not now. I'm exhausted, I need something to eat...just stay out of this. It's between me and my wife. I'll do anything for her at this point. If she changes her mind and wants me home the whole time...fine, I'll do it. But until then...this is the way it is."

"Fine...I was just helping, don't get so touchy." She replied in an exasperated tone and lifted her hands into the air. She had a natural way of knowing exactly how to get him riled up. They had fought, and perhaps gotten along the best as children for her uncanny way of being able to drive him nuts...and then make it up to him.

"I don't need help in this area. I also don't need help cleaning...can you please stop dusting? The house isn't that dirty...." Derek asked, annoyed that she was doing exactly what his mother would do if she were there.

"Meredith will be home tomorrow, I just wanted it to be spotless so she'd have less to worry about." Nancy argued, and kept at the dusting until he got up in a moment of pure frustration and grabbed the dust rag out of her hands.

"Meredith....doesn't worry about cleaning. That's one thing she doesn't worry over. Now stop it." He hit her playfully on the head and it caused Nancy to reach out and pinch his shoulder.

"You may be stronger now...but I'm still older...mom is still on my side...I will win!" She called out to him as she ran away from his attempt to hit her again. Stopping in the center of the room she held up her hands in surrender.

"Okay you win. But, Meredith is going to nest like crazy when she gets home. Trust me. She didn't get to do it before...and the babies coming home will cause her to clean like crazy. I know Derek." Nancy told him in all seriousness...and he let the rag fall from his grasp.

"Alright. You may have a point there. But we'll cross that bridge tomorrow." Nancy's face turned almost disappointed, and he sighed knowing he had offended her. "Thank you for doing it." He finally uttered out, after a few minutes of silence. "But you really didn't have. You taking Ava for the night was enough. I'm sorry about that, I didn't expect to be there that long."

Derek's legs finally grew too tired to hold up his weight and he found the sofa behind him before they could give out beneath him. Nancy followed him and sat down.

"It's not a problem. I came here to help. I'm glad I could. I was even on my best behavior." She smirked, remembering her conversation with Meredith earlier.

"Oh yeah..." He looked at her, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "I forgot. Meredith tried telling me some story about how mean and nasty you were to her. You called her a 'slutty resident?' and wanted to know if the babies were really mine?" He asked, without an ounce of seriousness and Nancy's smirk grew even bigger at the fact that Meredith had stuck to Nancy's playful game.

"Well...I suppose I could have been a bit nicer..." She challenged and Derek rolled his eyes.

"You know she's a bad liar right? I might have believed her....if she hadn't been smiling the entire time she said it. Oh....and she couldn't look me in the eyes when she said the paternity bit..." He was highly amused that Nancy had been able to con Meredith into going along with the story. But, then again...that was his sister. Nothing shocked him about Nancy.

"Darn...I was hoping to really get you worked up." She teased, and shoved him playfully in the arm.

"Not even you would be the cruel. Besides, those babies look exactly like me!"

"Oh...so you're admitting it now?" She asked in astonishment.

"Hmm....well...the jury is still out...but...I saw them just before I came here...and...well...I could see it."

"Oh finally, you could see what everyone already has."

"Well, they are changing already...they looked like Meredith at first..." He argued, trying to defend himself. Although, he was beginning to wonder if he wasn't just seeing what his foggy mind wanted him to see moments after they were born. Meredith had been so heavily on his mind...that anyone would have probably looked like her.

"Uh huh....you really just can't admit when you're wrong can you?" Derek glared at her, ready to start the common sibling battle that made their relationship what it was, when a terrified scream broke through the silence of the house.

"Daddddddyyyyyyyyy." He knew instantly it was Ava and got up with out a word to Nancy to race up the stairs. "Mommydaddymommydaddy." She was sobbing over and over and he followed her panicked voice into his bedroom where he found her at the foot of his bed.

It was dark in his room. He could barely see her form, but her cries led him to her and once he was there he wrapped his arms around her, but the action startled her and made her cry even harder.

"Mommymommymommy." She screamed over and over until his comforting words started to sooth her and she succumbed to hysterical sobs into his chest. Ava was a complete mess, even more worked up than she had been the night before.

She was fully awake, listening to every word he murmured into her ear, but nothing calmed her down. Each time he would pull her away to get a look at her face she clung to him wildly and forced her arms around his neck.

"Iwantmymommy" She sobbed, even though it was barely audible since her voice was muffled into his shirt. He didn't know what to do, and he picked her up all at once and brought her out into the hallway and down to her room.

He thought maybe her Unicorn, Casey would cheer her up, or maybe seeing her room with the lights on would keep her from getting scared. He had no idea what scared her in the first place, and nothing he did seemed to get her calmed down enough to talk.

Once the lights were on, and Ava was able to peek out from his chest to take in where she was, she began kicking hysterically and crying even louder. "No daddy no. No don't leave me. Daddy no." She begged and cried until she was nearly choking on her own spit. He had to calm her down before she hyperventilated and panic started cursing through his veins.

"Ava you're okay. I'm not going to leave you." He told her, in his most soothing voice. But, his daughter didn't seem to hear him at all. After several minutes of getting no where, he picked up her stuffed toy and made his way back into the hallway.

"Look we're not in your room anymore. Do you want to be in my room?" He asked, making it seem like it was the best thing anyone could want. Her cries stopped suddenly, like an infants would and she peered up at him with eyes that were so terrified it broke him to see them.

Shaking her head yes, she buried her face deep into his chest and started crying again. "It's okay Princess. Look we're in daddy's room. Nothing can hurt you in here." He was jumping to conclusions...wondering if she had a bad dream. He had no real clue as to what was wrong with her.

Ava hiccupped, and let out a shaky breath as he situated himself on the bed with her still clinging to his chest. Her crying had stopped, though every once and awhile she still shook with whatever emotions were still left in her tiny body.

Her breathing still hadn't slowed, so he could tell she was awake. Not knowing what else to do, he decided to talk to her, hoping she would be able to tell him what was wrong. "Ava, what happened? Did you have a bad dream?" The girl shook her head no, and then started to cry again. His shirt was soaked and he had no way to get comfortable because every time he moved even the slightest inch Ava would cling to him.

"Shh....don't cry. You're okay. We're in daddy's bed now. You're safe. Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."

"Mommy...I want my mommy." The girl stuttered before her sobs took over once again. Her cries were breaking his heart. He had no way to fix it. Meredith wasn't there, he couldn't comfort her the way Ava needed to be comforted. Ava had never clung to Meredith like she had lately, and he didn't know what to do about it.

"Mommy will be home tomorrow." He told her, and used a soothing hand to push back all her sweaty hair away from her face. She was hot and slick with sweat. Her pajamas stuck to her and him. He realized she must have had a nightmare and been worked up for awhile before he had found her.

Guilt grasped onto his heart and refused to let go. He could have been home with her, putting her to bed, noticing when she was upset instead of at work. It was an internal battle that never left him.

"Shhh...Ava tell me what happened. Were you scared?" The guilt he was feeling made him even more determined to get to the bottom of her hysteria. Ava didn't speak, but her sobs slowed down indicating that his soft words were getting through to her.

"I get scared sometimes too. It's okay. I'm here now, and tomorrow...we're going to go and bring mommy home. Would you like that?" All Ava did was shake her head yes. Her body was exhausted and Derek didn't even think she was capable of coherent speech at such a late hour.

Letting her fall asleep was hard for him. He needed to know what was going through her mind. He couldn't stand to see her so upset. It was his job to protect her...and he couldn't even do it. Her breathing finally evened out, and he let her drift to sleep. There was no reason to wake her and upset her again.

As he shifted her over to Meredith's side of the bed, her eyes flew open and instantly started to tear up. "It's okay Princess. I'm right here. I'll stay right here." He assured, patting her back to lull her back to sleep.

"I don't wanna be lost anymore Daddy." She whispered in such a pleading tone that tears welled up in his eyes. He watched as she gave in to her tired body. He didn't understand what she meant. She had never been lost a day in her life...it didn't make sense.

"Is she alright?" Nancy whispered from the doorway, and being careful not to shift the bed too much, Derek turned so that he could face his sister. Ava was dead asleep, and didn't even flinch when he sat up and perched himself on the edge of the bed.

Thrusting his face into his hands was the only way he could hide the emotion within him. It was all just too much. He was saturated to the bone with every feeling all at once. The four most important people in his life were tumbling down around him and he couldn't hold it together long enough to keep it from happening.

Noticing his emotion, Nancy stepped into the room and sat down on the bed. She was far enough away that she wasn't smothering him, but close enough that he didn't feel alone. "She's not okay." He mumbled into his hands before finally lifting his head up.

"Did she have a nightmare?"

Rubbing at his eyes, he wished he had an easy answer to that. He was a doctor, he was good at diagnosing illnesses, but understanding what was going on in Ava's mind left him clueless. "I don't know." Looking back at his daughter to make sure she was asleep, he then turned his body toward his sisters.

"She's been fine this whole time. She sailed through Meredith being in the hospital....she loved meeting her sisters....she's been excited...and then all the sudden she started clinging to Meredith. Then, last night...she woke up in the middle of the night like tonight."

"She's never done that before?"

"No. Never. She never had any problems sleeping through the night. I asked her if she had a bad dream...but she wont answer. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to be lost. I have no idea what that means." Running his hands through his hair, he then stood up. He was no longer tired. The emotions running through him left him high on adrenaline.

"Derek....she's bound to have some issues with all this. Her whole routine has been changed. Having Meredith in the hospital probably caused fears that she didn't even realize she had."

"No, I would have known. She had never been like this." He argued with distinction. He was one hundred percent sure he knew his daughter.

"I'm not saying you didn't see it...I just think maybe she didn't even know. All this time she had been so excited over the babies...well now they are here...and the excitement has worn off...and now her fears set in."

"What would she be afraid of Nancy?" He almost snapped, and then realized Ava was asleep so he lowered his tone. "I've been right here. We've talked to her about this....we made sure she knew Meredith would be home...that her stay in the hospital wasn't permanent."

Nancy shook her head, knowing that even though Derek had three children, he was still very much a first time parent. "She's scared of everything Derek. It has nothing to do with what you or Meredith have done. It's just the nature of children. She's been an only child for over 4 years. It's going to be an adjustment."

Derek let his sister's words run through his mind, but they still didn't seem to click. They had prepared her for the babies. She had been so excited about it. Nothing had really changed in the past week...besides the fact she got to visit them instead of just talk about them.

"I just...it doesn't make any sense. She was fine.....she's been talking about them non stop." He replied, more to himself than to her. He was beating himself up trying to figure out what was going on with his little girl.

"Kids process things differently. Maybe she doesn't even know it's the babies that are bothering her. Maybe she is projecting those fears onto something totally different like nightmares...or the fear of being lost." Derek stared at his sister, wondering what had given her such insight.

"Seriously...have you been channeling Kathleen...because psychology is not your expertise."

"No Derek." Nancy chided. "Although, Kathleen would be telling you the same thing. Danny was almost 4 when Gabby and Matty were born....do you remember she thought a monster lived in her closet and was going to take her away?"

Derek glanced at the ceiling, struggling to recall the memory that had long been forgotten. Finally, he had pulled it up, although time had left it fuzzy. He had spent every night there, after Nancy's husband had left.

His niece had been convinced a monster was going to carry her off into the night. She had been so scared, that Derek had stayed until she fell asleep every single night to ensure Nancy could get a good enough sleep to care for her infant babies.

"I forgot about that..." He trailed off, still not sure if it was the same thing at all. "But...."

"No buts Derek." Nancy told him. She was being strong in her convictions. She wouldn't sit back and watch her brother tear himself apart over something he had yet to understand.

"I was worried remember? And that made me feel worse because I was worried over the twins' health....and Harry's school stuff....I thought I was ruining everything. Kathleen helped me see. She helped me get inside Danny's head...."

"What good did it do?" He asked, not meaning to be mean, but annoyed over the fact that he himself could not solely help his daughter.

"Well...if you remember....you stopped having to pretend to fall asleep in her room." Derek began to pace, small tiny steps, and then methodical large ones. He was trying to work it all out in his mind, trying to figure out a way he could help Ava and his wife and infant daughters all at once.

"So what...you think I need to call Kathleen? Have her come out here so she can psycho-analyze my 4 year old? I'm already in marriage counseling...that's about as much therapy as I can take."

Nancy rolled her eyes and stood up to face him. They were almost the same height, Derek had never grown taller than his oldest two sisters. They over shadowed him, even in stature. An ironic metaphor for his entire life.

"You don't need a therapist Derek. You just need to listen to what she's telling you. She's scared about something...and no matter what it is, you need to make her feel safe. That's all you can do. How does Meredith feel about all this?"

Nancy could tell by Derek's sheepish look the he hadn't told her and she arched her brow in concern. "You didn't tell her?"

"It just started last night...I thought it was a one time thing...she was fine this morning..."

"Derek, you need to be open and honest with your wife if you're going to make it through this..." She trailed off and Derek interrupted her, not allowing her to finish. "Thank you Nancy. Maybe I'll start sending you a check instead of our therapist." His words were sharp, but they did not deter his sister.

"It's true. You need to tell her and the two of you...together...need to come up with a plan."

"I didn't want to worry her. She's been doing so well."

"She's her mother, she needs to know. She's going to figure it out real fast tomorrow night when this happens again so you better tell her soon."

"It may not happen again!" He said in an exasperated tone. The conversation was driving him crazy and he walked out of the room before their argument woke up Ava. Even as the light coming from Ava's room lead him down the hall, the words he had spoken to his sister taunted him.

He was kidding himself. It would happen again. Derek knew it. Ava never let anything go easily, especially not a fear. He would tell Meredith before bringing her home and they would figure it out together. Even as he came to that conclusion, a sinking feeling was telling him it wasn't going to be that easy.