Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 55

The door flew open and hit the wall behind it and Derek Shepherd nearly stumbled into the room. He could barely find his breath as his eyes scanned the small exam room and stopped on Meredith's hospital gown clad form. "What the hell happened?" He asked not even bothering to great Addison.

His pager had simply displayed "911 Meredith" which caused his heart to nearly stop in the middle of the board meeting. He could remember his hands shaking as he dialed the nurses desk to find out more information...and then it was all a blur. He really couldn't even remember the journey to the room, all he knew was that he ran the entire way, and only once he was at Meredith's side did the constricting of his chest stop.

Addison was perched next to the bed studying Meredith's chart and didn't seem surprised at Derek's reaction. In fact, she was expecting worse from her ex-husband, so his behavior seemed almost calm.

"Meredith gave me quite a scare."

"You admitted her?" He asked, not being able to fathom the emotional overload being thrown at him all at once.

"I had to. She almost passed out in the hallway.."

Meredith had remained silent, but looked up at Derek almost shamefully. She didn't want him to be angry at her...she should have slowed down when she had the chance..she knew it, but hearing Derek blame her for putting their babies in danger was going to break her.

His hand was resting protectively on her arm, but he was focusing on Addison for answers. "What? Why?" He turned back to Meredith and took in her pale features. It was weird seeing her in a patient gown instead of doctor scrubs, it wasn't something he enjoyed seeing.

"Are you alright?" He used his hand to cup her cheek and run his fingers gently along her face. She felt better, the room hadn't started spinning again, and her limbs didn't feel like rubber any more. But, her mind was still cloudy and she couldn't begin to hide the fact that she was exhausted and scared.

"I think so." Her voice came out shaky, her emotions were betraying her. He looked at her with a small smile, but his own eyes were betraying him, as they glistened with anxious fears.

"Alright Shepherds, let's talk." Addison told them. She had only be in the the room about 20 minutes before Derek arrived and was trying to get a good grip on what was going on with Meredith.

"Derek, why don't you have a seat." Offered Addison. He could tell instantly by the professional mode she had slipped into that the situation wasn't good like he had hoped.

"Why did this happen? She was fine this morning and last night.." He sat down in a small chair on the other side of Meredith's bed, but held onto her hand again. Something was telling him over and over something wasn't right. Much like the feeling Meredith had had earlier, except Derek's was beginning to consume him.

Maybe it was the look on Addison's face, or perhaps the way Meredith just laid there, not objecting Addison's insistence on being admitted...the combination of both was shaking him beyond belief.

"Well, she's been feeling this way since her surgery earlier..." Addison said curtly, and gave Meredith a scolding look. As her doctor, Addison could lecture her all she wanted...but she didn't, knowing it wasn't the time or the place.

"What...? You felt this way earlier...and didn't do anything about it?" His hand left hers to run it through his dark curls. It came harsher than he intended, and his face softened once she looked at him in sadness.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and then fixed her gaze on the wall so that she couldn't see either of them. Addison was staring at him with her arms crossed not at all pleased and looking at Meredith's defeated posture, he took a deep breath and lowered his voice.

"No, I'm sorry...I'm just...you're really scaring me...this isn't normal...right? Addison, there is nothing normal about this!" She nodded in agreement, it wasn't normal, and the news she needed to give them wasn't going to please either of them. Derek already knew it was bad, he could tell by the way his wife was acting...he just needed to hear Addison say it, he needed to know how bad it was.

"I've run some tests.." Addison started, realizing for the first time that both Meredith and Derek were watching her expectantly, there was so much fear and hope in their eyes that it intimidated her. She didn't want them to hurt, she wanted their pregnancy to go smoothly, but it was beyond that now...and they were all going to have to face that fact.

"Meredith, your blood pressure sky rocketed, which I'm sure I don't have to tell you...is not good. It caused the dizziness, blurred vision, frankly, I'm surprised you didn't pass out.." Addison heard Derek's sharp intake of breath but kept going, if she didn't finish she'd never be able to. "You've had mild pre-eclampsia for awhile...but I'm afraid now you're well past that. It's severe..." Addison paused to let them take it all in. Derek had taken Meredith's hand again, but his eyes never left Addison's. Meredith face was so sad that even the doctor who told people bad things every day almost crumbled.

"I'm recommending hospital bedrest...at this point...we're going to have to induce you, and I'd like you to be here where we can monitor you in the meantime."

The couple was speechless, and just sat staring at her for several seconds. It was Derek who spoke up. He had tried to read Meredith's features, but all he saw was intense sadness and it broke his heart. "You want her to stay here? For how long? Do you think it's that serious?" He wasn't trying to undermine his ex-wife's professional opinion, but his expertise was not in obstetrics, and the second he had received the 911 page he had lost all medical knowledge.

Addison pushed the hair back behind her left ear with the tip of her well manicured finger and hesitated before answering him. "I don't know how long...we really just have to take it one day at a time...but yes...I think it's serious...Meredith you could have.." She tried to focus on Meredith...and Derek at the same time and it was hard to do. Generally, she always talked to the woman, but with Derek she had to dart her eyes between both of them. "She could have gone into seizures today...or a coma...had we not intervened."

Meredith knew that already, and she refused to meet Derek's eyes feeling a wave of intense guilt wash over her. She had pushed herself too hard, and refused to acknowledge something could be wrong. Derek would never forgive her if something happened to the babies...and as she thought about the ramifications and what ifs of the day's events she literally felt bile rising in her throat.

"I don't...she has been fine....she cut down her hours...she hasn't being doing anything strenuous...how did this happen?" He asked in disbelief.

"It just happens Derek. It usually comes on very suddenly...and leaves just as suddenly. That's why this is so serious...because even though her blood pressure is down right now, there's no telling when it will go back up." He let out a sigh and as if realizing Meredith was beside him for the first time, focused his attention on her and squeezed her hand. He had to find strength somewhere...he had to be there for her.
He ran his hand over her forehead, silently telling her it would be ok. It felt a little like he was leading a double life. One side of his was full of emotion and that showed when he talked to Addison, but the other side was strong and loving while focused on Meredith. He was literally two faced, but it was a necessary evil, Meredith was a challenge, and it was the only way he knew how to face it.

Addison watched him build up a strong façade for Meredith and she felt her own come falling down. Unable to just sit and watch them she stood up and adjusted her suit to keep herself semi professional. Despite all her efforts, her voice broke as she began to speak. "Because of the sudden change, I....um...I don't see this pregnancy going anywhere near to term." The panicked look the couple sent her sent a shiver down her spine.

"We're going to do everything we can...to keep them inside...and give them more time to develop...but if things get worse..my recommendation would be delivery...and unless the babies turn, it will have to be a c-section." Tears had started streaming down Meredith's cheeks, which Derek wiped away with his thumb. His body was working on autopilot because his mind couldn't function at all.

"I'm barely 29 weeks.." Meredith whispered out and then shut her mouth abruptly. She didn't want to think about it, thinking about it would confirm her worst fears. She couldn't carry her babies to term...she was failing them already, and they hadn't even been born yet. Derek stared at her with uncertainty. Her dejected words made the constricting feeling clinch around his chest once again.

"Yes...ideally, I'd like to hold off until at least 34 weeks...but realistically, I don't see that happening...if her condition worsens, we'll have to deliver...there are no other options without risking your life."

Tears were welling up in Derek eyes and he cleared his throat to keep his voice from showing the raw emotion burning through him. "Can they...that's so early...will they be ok?" Addison gave him a semi-smile. It was such a frustrating situation. As their doctor she wanted to give them the best scenario...she wanted them to have faith and and trust in the knowledge they had learned throughout med school...but as their friend...she wanted them to understand how bad it could be...she didn't want them to have false hope. It was by far the worst twisting feeling she had ever had in her gut.

She opted just to give them the best of both worlds. The good and the bad, and pray they could sort through the rest. "I've delivered babies at 27 weeks who have gone on to live normal healthy lives...I've also delivered babies at 32 weeks who haven't made it due to complications. It strictly depends on the case. We can talk about all this at length...but, the girls are strong, they are developing normally, we can give them some steroids to speed up their lungs..."

"But.." He interrupted her, knowing there was more she needed to say. With a sigh Addison replied, "But, I can't guarantee anything. I'm confidant, that they are strong, and healthy as of right now...but, they would be even more so if we had more time."

Derek took it all in, letting her words sink into his soul. Meredith was in danger, their babies were in danger...and he felt clueless. He felt like he was a first year intern all over again. He knew nothing about premature babies...the little experience he did have was the short operations he had had to do on the select few...those experiences weren't very comforting.

Addison realized Derek looked pale, as pale as Meredith and she quickly went into action gathering her things so that they could take it all in. They were overwhelmed, as she knew would be. "I'm going to let you guys process all this. I'll be back in awhile...and we can talk more. Right now, the important thing is to keep your blood pressure down, which means no getting up except to go to the bathroom."

Derek nodded for them both, and Addison turned to look at them one more time before leaving the room. Derek had crawled into the bed with her and was positioning himself so that he could hold her. Derek needed her as much as Meredith needed him and it broke the last of her resolve to see them so withered down.